


Spring

by iheartmonkeys19



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Dr. Jaehyun, Fluff, I know I'm so late to jump on the bandwagon, Jaehyun is older, M/M, Repost from my aff acc, Taeyong has an abusive stepfather, but not explicit smut, sex with feels, talk about suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-10
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-11-12 10:23:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 45,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11159937
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iheartmonkeys19/pseuds/iheartmonkeys19
Summary: It would be a lie to say that when Taeyong first saw him he didn’t stare.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys! 
> 
> This is my first NCT fic even though I've been in the fandom for quite a while. This is a repost from my aff account cause if you saw the tag... I am late af...
> 
> This story is really an experiment of me trying out a different writing style than I'm used to so I hope you guys enjoy!  
> Please leave your thoughts as they can be very encouraging ! I'll try my best to reply ^^
> 
> Thanks for reading <3

It would be a lie to say that when Taeyong first saw him he didn’t stare. He stared for a good thirty seconds before ducking down to look at his scuffed boots, wondering if anyone caught him staring at the trainee doctor. You think thirty seconds would be enough, but no, Taeyong raised his eyes to look at him again.

 

His hair was dark against his pale skin, slightly falling over his forehead as he bandaged Donghyuck’s ankle. He wore light blue scrubs as all the young optimistic junior doctors did. Donghyuck flinched and the intern frowned, looking up to Taeyong’s smart-ass cousin.

“Did I wrap it too tight?”

“Just a bit.” Donghyuck said in a small voice. The doctor shadowing him leaned over to inspect the finished bandage with an unreadable expression. Even then Taeyong continued to stare, it was impossible not to.

“Overall good job Jaehyun.” The elder doctor nodded, patting the trainee before flipping though the Donghyuck’s flipchart.

 

So that’s his name… Jaehyun, Taeyong thought, mind going elsewhere.

 

“Thank you, Dr. Taeil.” Jaehyun replied. Jaehyun sighed and let out a relieved smile, his dimples deepening at the sides of his cheeks. That smile was almost blinding. He stared at his supervisor with eyes that crinkled in adoration and awe. Taeyong caught the senior doctor’s nametag that had ‘Dr. Moon Taeil’ imprinted in glossy black letters. 

“You’re progressing well, Donghyuck. Dare I say it, you’ll be out within the week. But you won’t be able to walk without any crutches for about a month. Are your parents not around?”

“My mom went to get me more clothes and my dad had to pick up my sister from school. But it’s okay! Taeyong-hyung is here to keep me company.” Donghyuck was too happy for a kid that crashed his bike into a tree and landed in a pile of broken glass. Taeyong wasn’t surprised though. If the kid wasn’t terrorizing the neighborhood’s old ladies, he was out pranking some poor sod who had the unfortunate pleasure of being friends with him.

The two doctors turned to Taeyong as if they finally noticed his presence by the window. He might as well have been a house plant.

Dr. Moon tried and failed at concealing his displeasure but Jaehyun stared at him with a restrained smile. Taeyong bowed slightly at them though he didn’t feel like looking at them again, he could feel the weight of their stares.

 

It’s the hair.

But then again he’s also wearing an oversized hoody and black ripped jeans.

I look like a thug, Taeyong thought. But was only mildly offended considering that he was in a hospital, and had been very well mannered (for now) and that he was visiting his cousin like the lovely older brother he was. But he’s used to the stereotyping.

 

When Dr. Taeil turned back to ask Donghyuck about his scarring, Jaehyun continued to stare at Taeyong.

_Unabashed. Unashamed. Outright._

 

It’s definitely the hair.

And for once, Taeyong felt insecure like a shy blushing boy he very well wasn’t.

Taeyong had alien hair. It was bleached white or something silvery he did not know the name of. But it had been five months since he dyed it and so his roots are starting to appear, black then grayish lavender then white. It looked like one of Ten’s art projects had thrown up on his head.

He blames Ten for daring him. Though after that, Ten had gushed about how pretty it looked, and he even went so far as to add chrome lilac highlights which made Taeyong look even more inhuman. It didn’t soothe Taeyong’s mind about his obscene hairstyle at all.

“I look like a fairy.” He had chastised Ten’s ridiculous fixation with his hair as the latter constantly touched it.

“Hmmm… More like a pixie or… or an elf! You know like in Lord of the Rings. But not like Legolas, Legolas had creamy sun-lit hair.” Ten replied diplomatically.

 

“Thank you, Dr. Taeil and Jaehyun. I’ll get better quickly so that I don’t trouble you two anymore.” Donghyuck shot them a gummy smile just before Dr. Taeil’s pager buzzed.

“You’re welcome. I have to go. Get some rest and tell your parents I came by.” Taeyong stood up and bowed deeply to the two doctors. He noticed the flicker of disdain in Taeil’s eyes but he didn’t notice how Jaehyun’s gaze lingered on his face for a long time as they exited the room.

Donghyuck tells Taeyong about how terrible the hospital food was and how hard it was going to be to get to school in his condition. But Taeyong’s mind flitted onto other matters. Such as how handsome a certain junior doctor was, with deep brown eyes and a dazzling, dimpled smile.

 

After two days, Taeyong dismissed the attraction as a mere crush. It was too ridiculous. Jaehyun was in his residential, and Taeyong was just being a fluke in high school.

But still, he wished his hair would fade faster.

Ten wanted him to try pink or blonde next but Taeyong rejected the idea of being his personal Ken doll. Ten pouted and whined a lot but Taeyong ignored his best friend.

 

 

Two years passed by in cruel monotonous days.

 

His hair faded back to its original inky black.

Taeyong walked into the pitch of the night, disappearing when his father came home from drinking with his officemates. His mother could care less about her son and his atrocious hair. Occasionally, he would find asylum with Ten. They would talk about anything, everything. Normal people probably didn’t like Ten’s constant chatter, sometimes Ten could be borderline hysterical even at 3 am but Taeyong liked his runaway mouth. It distracted him well, he could forget about all his troubles.

However, sometimes Taeyong didn’t want to bother Ten, especially since he had his own problems. Sometimes he would walk around the neighbourhood alone, meet friends who weren’t actually friends, only Ten knew him.

Really knew him.

 

He would fade into the night like some other crook or blackguard. Sleep apparently did not chase the troubled or the depraved. Occasionally, due to bouts of insomnia, he would stay awake and lay under the stars, trying to count them in vain. Everything was pointless in his world.

It’s on nights like those when Ten’s bed is occupied with someone else, and Taeyong doesn’t feel like meeting anyone, he would think about Jaehyun. It was nostalgic, as most things you think about past midnight are. Taeyong wonders if he’s asleep or if the young doctor is on call, devouring some medical journal with bad coffee on some cold rubbery bed, waiting for his pager to buzz. Taeyong liked to think of him at moments like these, it made him realize that even those born-geniuses, seemingly perfect prodigies had life’s shit to deal with.

Taeyong wondered what it would be like to know him, to really know him, if he would still be this infatuated with Dr Jaehyun and his milky skin and his twinkling eyes. He does not let his mind delve further, afraid of falling in love with a ghost or falling in love with anyone at all.

 

 

It is the silence that woke Taeyong up.

It wasn't usually this quiet and if the birds chirping was not an indicator that something was amiss, Taeyong would have gone back to sleep after glancing at his bedside clock. It was only 7 am and it was a Sunday so he had no classes that day. The cold usually forced him to sleep until midday on the weekends. But something was strange, the morning was too quiet.

Against his better judgment, he crept out of bed and into the kitchen. He was still groggy and half asleep so he washed his face in the kitchen sink before chugging down a cold glass of milk. He was still in his underwear and a graphic t-shirt when he knocked on his father’s bedroom door. There was no sound, not even loud snoring and dread flooded his veins.

“Don’t tell me… Oh fuck, what if…” He did not get to finish his sentence because he opened the door and stepped cautiously into the dark room. It smelled like cheap alcohol and burning plastic. There were multicoloured pills strewn on the floor and he knew what had already happened when he saw his father on the bed in a wifebeater, eyes wide, staring at the cracked ceiling, saliva frothing in his mouth.

 

Taeyong’s hands shook when he called 911.

 

He didn’t think the second time he would see Jaehyun would be like this. But it was.

Taeyong still stared.

 

Jaehyun looked so different. For one, his dark hair was a light blonde-brown transition shade like a chestnut, and swept to the side. His face was still beautiful, carved planes, high cheekbones, and those big chocolate eyes. He wore a warm turtleneck underneath his white coat, the chest pockets stained blue and black from pens. A stethoscope hung haphazardly from his neck and he had a flipchart in his hands. He wasn’t even looking where he was walking as he spoke to a female nurse in green scrubs, but he walked forward to where Taeyong stood despite there being many obstacles.

 

“Lee Taeyong.” The nurse reminded Jaehyun as they came face to face with each other. Taeyong sneaked a peak at her nametag that read ‘Kang Seulgi, Consultant Nurse’ in those same neat letters he had seen before. They stare at each other and Jaehyun is just as shocked as he is to see the handsome boy again.

 

“Dr. Jung.” Taeyong nodded. Jaehyun is somewhat taken aback that Taeyong remembers his name. Of course, Taeyong remembers.

“Dr?” Nurse Kang nudged him. He snapped out of his trance and shook his head.

“I’m sorry… but the paramedics could not revive your father. He had a stroke that also triggered a seizure and he passed on the way here.” Jaehyun said grimly, he looked exhausted despite it being only 10 in the morning.

“Thank you for your effort.” The words felt like sand in his mouth, superfluous but dry. 

“I’m sorry for your loss.” Jaehyun patted his shoulder. It felt strange. Jaehyun looks too mature now, the lines in his forehead have deepened and Taeyong didn’t sense the spark of optimism in him anymore. He looked like he’s at a place Taeyong can only dream to reach. Further and further away. “Nurse Kang will prepare the paperwork and death certificate.”

“Yes… of course.” Taeyong nodded blankly. Jaehyun blinked at him and opened his mouth but closed it again when his phone vibrated in his hand.

“I’m sorry, I have to go. Excuse me.” He stared at his phone’s screen like it was a black hole. Jaehyun shot him an apologetic look and handed the flipchart to Nurse Kang.

Taeyong’s eyes followed Jaehyun as he fast-footed towards the end of the corridor, disappearing at a corner. Nurse Kang had him fill in some forms and paperwork and was very patient when Taeyong forgot his own fucking address.

 

“I’m sorry.” He apologized tensely, exasperated at his own scattered brain.

“No no… you don’t have to rush. I understand.” She smiled softly as she kept the papers in a file. She handed him the death certificate and a few other papers that Taeyong didn’t care to look at.

“Is it always like this?” Taeyong asked, absent-mindedly fiddling with the zipper of his jacket.

“No… not always. The initial shock leaves people pretty indifferent sometimes. People need time to mourn after all. But sometimes it’s more dramatic. You should call a relative to help with the funeral proceedings as soon as possible. It can be… taxing for someone so young.” Again, she smiles gently and Taeyong feels warmer just looking at her.

“Thank you for your help.” Taeyong bowed deeply to her because he felt exactly that- a deep gratitude to this kind stranger.

 

When Taeyong walked out of the hospital, he sat on the bench outside, not ready to leave just yet, letting the cold winter seep into his lungs and crystallize into an igloo. He knew the person he should call is his uncle, the closest relative to him despite not being all that close. He hasn’t a clue about funeral arrangements and the will and dealing with lawyers or mourners.

He’s still just a boy.

But the number he dialed was not his uncle's, it was Ten’s. This time his fingers did not tremble as he pressed the cold piece of metal to his ear.

“Hello? Taeyong?” Ten’s bright voice was familiar and comfortable.

“He’s dead, Ten.”

And as the words passed his lips, he felt himself shiver with the scariest feeling- _relief._

 

 

Three days later, Taeyong is dressed in an immaculate black suit, sitting on a mahogany pew in a church he’s never been in and the pastor reading some sermon he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t remember anything significantly religious in his life, nor has he been told that he is an atheist. Neither of his parents was ever religious, though his father had always portrayed to his work colleagues that he was devout and perfect in all aspects of life and afterlife. Taeyong snorted at the thought.

Ten pinched his thigh as if to say he heard his thoughts aloud. The boy can hardly stay still at his side. And truth be told, Taeyong has never seen Ten so sharply dressed. Ten was undoubtedly handsome, a little on the petite side and slightly feminine but still ridiculously handsome. He was also wearing a black suit and his unruly hair is slicked back with a pomade like the Thai mafia boss he was. Or at least he’d like to think he was.

His uncle spoke next after the priest, speaking somber words and reminiscing about their childhood that Taeyong seriously doubted was true. He asked Taeyong to step up after, with a heavy sigh. Someone sobbed at the back and Taeyong is genuinely curious who would fucking care. But he bit his tongue.

Taeyong is many things, but he still has the decency to be polite and do as he’s told. He mumbled vaguely of how caring his father was, what a diligent worker he was, how they used to play badminton in the afternoons and spend holidays at the sunset-dripped beaches like a fairytale or some sappy B-rated romantic comedy. He spoke softly, trying not to cringe at his own words. He paused for a moment, wondering how long he could lie through his teeth in front of so many people.

His uncle patted his back and he looked away from the crowd, pretending to blink back tears. It worked well enough as an excuse that he could no longer continue speaking about his dear father; so he quickly thanked everyone for coming to the memorial service.

When he sat back down Ten squeezed his hand, because Ten understood. Ten understood even though the world would never.

That was enough for now.

 

When the service is over, he was passed many white envelopes of money by generous colleagues and sympathetic relatives he had never met. He accepted their condolences and withstood the pitying eyes for awhile. After this, he just wanted to take a long nap and not wake up.

“Poor boy, he just got into college… and to lose his father at such a young age. His mother also left when he was young…”

He takes it in stride, the pity that is.

Maybe he is pretty pitiable.

 

The other procedures are done straight after, the cremation and getting the columbarium niche ready. His aunt, Donghyuck’s mother, prepared fresh lilies for him to place next to the urn. When he does, he thinks it’s strange that after the things we’ve accomplished in life, we end up in a little space etched into the wooden panels or in reserved plots to be buried in the earth. It’s all a bit anticlimactic. Taeyong thinks death is strange; it leaves an aftertaste that he doesn’t like regardless of his opinion on the dead person.

 

“Do you want to spend the night at our house?” His uncle asked. Taeyong knew it was probably out of consideration than a real concern. Donghyuck had three other younger siblings and he can’t imagine their house being even more crowded.

“No, it’s fine. I can take care of myself. I wouldn’t want to burden you.” Taeyong shrugged nonchalantly.

“Come over if you ever want to. Our door is always open to you, you know that. I’ll send over some casseroles tomorrow.” His aunt gave him a sad smile and caressed his cheek. It is the most motherly touch he had felt in years.

 

Ten asked him if he wanted to stay over, or if he wanted him to accompany Taeyong in the cold, dank, empty house he supposedly called home. As tempting as it was to have Ten’s warmth in the winter night, Taeyong politely refused and said that he wanted to be alone for awhile. Ten pouted but understood that some time was needed to absorb everything before he could go back to the way things were.

If he could go back to the way things were.

Instead, he spent that afternoon sitting and staring at the columbarium. The room smelled of incense but Taeyong didn’t mind. The sky had cleared up and the golden dusky light bathed the room. Taeyong thought of what he should do tomorrow, suddenly his days seem half-formed in his brain. He remained staring at his reflection in the squares of glass; he did not notice someone else visiting a loved one. The man placed a rose into one of the cubby holes, where there was a picture next to the urn and also a box of personal belongings.

 

Taeyong snapped back into reality when Dr. Jung Jaehyun sat next to him. He did not process it for a minute and he glanced sideways to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating.

 

“Dr?”

“You don’t have to call me that outside the hospital. It’s just Jaehyun.” He turned sideways and gave Taeyong a weak smile. His hair looked more blonde in the sunlight. It was kind of daunting to look at him straight in the eyes. His were like honey and he really did look even more perfect in the light. The sharp planes of his cheeks softened and he looked better rested than he had been before.

“Are you well, Jaehyun?” Taeyong asked, his voice straining all of the sudden. He felt almost blasphemous calling the man anything but his respected title. It felt wrong on his tongue, like he was worthy of being more than mere acquaintances with him. Their worlds were so far apart as it was; Taeyong did not want to hope.

“Better than you, it seems. You look like a mess.” Jaehyun chuckled and it is a sweet lilting sound.

“I feel like one,” Taeyong admitted.

 

They did not speak after that for a moment.

Taeyong wondered how often he visited this place. He obviously cared deeply enough for the deceased individual to bring fresh flowers. Taeyong didn’t even bring any of his father’s treasured knick knacks or photographs. Not that he had any. They’ve probably been burnt or swept away with time. He didn’t think he will visit his father’s niche again after this.

Actually, he’s certain he won’t.

 

It was, surprisingly, Jaehyun that broached the silence.

He stood from his seat and looked at Taeyong solemnly, not with the eyes of a doctor, or an intern or even an adult looking at a child.

“Would you like to grab a cup of coffee with me?”

Taeyong did not hesitate to say yes.


	2. Two

 

 

It is not every day that Jung Jaehyun would ask a person he barely knew to have coffee with. But there was something very forlorn about Lee Taeyong that kicked his protective instincts into overdrive. Perhaps, it was the fact that he had just lost his father, or perhaps it was just his insanely handsome face. But now they sat opposite each other in a café overlooking a busy street.

Taeyong drew patterns in his froth with the plastic stirrer, waiting for his latte to cool. Jaehyun had asked for his coffee black and put in half a packet of the sugar. They are silent but neither of them minded. It was a comfortable silence.

“I was… visiting a friend.” Jaehyun started, wanting to explain but not knowing how to.

“You don’t have to say anything if you don’t want to.” Taeyong’s eyes flickered to him with a look of understanding.

“No… it’s easier to speak about it. I don’t know why I’m telling you all this but it just feels like the right thing to do.” He confessed, and then sighed before continuing. “That friend was someone I’ve known since high school. His name was Hansol. And he was a doctor just like me. We went through medical school together but after a year under the residency, he just snapped. He overdosed on painkillers and left me.” Jaehyun sounded so bitter, and it was the first time Taeyong had ever seen the doctor so emotional.

“I’m sorry.”

“You shouldn’t be sorry. People come and go as they like. We can try to block their way, but we cannot stop them. So don’t blame yourself.”

 

“Do you miss him?” Taeyong asked him in a tiny voice.

“Like crazy. I still do.” Jaehyun combed his hair back in frustration and Taeyong thought that was the hottest thing he had seen. He wondered what it would be like to run his own fingers through the soft hair.

“It must suck when something you love so much kills you.”

“It is better to be consumed by something you love rather than dying at the hands of something you hate.”

“My father must have died happily then.” Taeyong whispered. He died with a beer bottle by his side.

“What do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He dismissed it and internally cursed himself for letting something like that slip. Jaehyun did not push him to elaborate.

 

They slipped back into the comfortable silence and sipped on their coffees, watching the people pass by in a blur; rushing home from a day’s work. They looked haggard and eager to hide away in their insulated houses, in their bubble of warm, familiar comfort. Taeyong dreaded the thought of going back home now. It would be cold no matter what. He planned to watch the constellations that night, maybe from some skate park or on the roof of some abandoned building.

 

Maybe he’ll fade into the cold winter breeze.

Or be reborn as a star, though he has some serious doubts about that.

 

He looked up to Jaehyun and found him staring at him. His gaze made his heart skip a beat, quite literally.

“You’re staring.”

“You’re handsome.” Jaehyun is straightforward and it’s one of the qualities Taeyong found admirable about the doctor.

“You started the first time we met too.” Taeyong pointed out.

“If you must know, you were handsome then too. Even with the white hair. Though really, what sane person dyes his hair that colour?”

“It was a dare.” Taeyong leant in to whisper. A smile ghosted over Jaehyun’s face as he leant in towards him as well like they were secretly plotting for world domination.

“Well, thank you to the idiot who dared you because it made you look like a freaking supermodel.” Taeyong laughed and made a mental note to thank Ten for his crazy ass ideas.

“I’m surprised you even remember the first time we met.” He smiled into his coffee cup.

“It’s not every day I see a guy that looks like he just walked out of a manhwa… or the latest version of Final Fantasy. You pulled the unicorn hair off well.” Taeyong doesn’t know what to feel about the term ‘unicorn hair’. Well for one, he had never heard anyone refer to it as unicorn hair but he blushed at the thought that Jaehyun found him relatively attractive at all.

 

“Should I dye it again?”

“No. Your dark hair is lovely. You look more approachable, less otherworldly.”

“You’re quite handsome as well. Do the nurses swoon?” Taeyong jest-ed without really thinking.

“Hah! They probably do. It would explain why their work is sloppy whenever I’m around.” Jaehyun chuckled over his coffee before taking a sip. He nodded appreciatively, somewhat surprised that the coffee tasted that nice. Or perhaps it was the presence of the gorgeous boy in front of him.

 

“How old are you?” Jaehyun asked.

“Twenty-one.”

“You’re young.”

“I’m legal.” Taeyong quipped and Jaehyun laughed, his eye-smile becoming visible. Suddenly it didn’t seem that they just met in the most abysmal of situations. Like they were friends or lovers meeting up after awhile of not seeing each other.

 

“I’m also seven years older than you.” Jaehyun broke it to him, not that Taeyong was surprised.

“Age is just a number.”

“Perhaps.” Jaehyun mused and played with Taeyong’s fingers on the table. They shared a look, and it was charged and intense and Taeyong felt the electric running from his fingers to somewhere very, very deep.

 

“And we’re both very sad and very lonely tonight.”

“I’m a doctor… and your father just died.” As if saying that was laying all the cards on the table.

“All the more reason to spend our sad lonely night together then.” Taeyong smirked and it made him even more handsome if that was even possible. His eyes twinkled with a mischievous boyishness that Jaehyun found both endearing and sexy as hell. Jaehyun dropped all rational thoughts that he shouldn’t bed the young man in front of him.

Doctor or no. Dead father or no.

“I forgot. You’re not a child anymore.”

“How far is your place?”

“Not far.”

 

It didn’t take much to convince Jaehyun.

 

 

They didn’t initiate anything on the way to Jaehyun’s apartment, they were silent and Taeyong could barely breathe because all he can feel was his heart pounding in his chest. He could already imagine Ten overreacting and squealing his eardrums dead when he tells him. Jaehyun drove a sleek black sedan with real leather seats and a fancy dashboard. He did not turn on the radio and Taeyong didn’t mind the silence, their silent stretches were never stifling, never threatening to consume them. It is quiet but comfortably so.

Jaehyun took off his shoes and dumped his keys into a bowl by the door; he hung his heavy coat on a coat stand by the door and gestured for Taeyong to do the same. He removed his winter coat and he realised he was still wearing the black suit from the funeral. But he didn’t feel like it was just hours ago. It felt like years ago.

Taeyong managed but a cursory glance over Jaehyun’s apartment before he was pushed against the door. He forgot everything instantaneously, all he could think about was how rough Jaehyun’s lips were on his, demanding, bruising. However, he responded with the same animosity, tugging his dress shirt loose from his pants. His hand slipped up to the elder’s abdomen, his hot palm on cold skin. He hissed into the kiss and Taeyong felt his ego inflating at the thought of satisfying someone older.

He did not feel like the same boy who had stared at Jaehyun two years ago. For one, that boy had terrible hair and was immature and clumsy and terribly awkward. But he is not anymore because they both have changed since then.

 

Taeyong knew he was handsome. His pretty face and charming personality attracted ladies and men alike. Enchanted by the allure, occasionally they would end up in his bed. He had learned and lived. But he had never felt any emotional connection to his lovers before.

And in Jaehyun’s arms, Taeyong felt wanted, even for a moment, or in a temporary haze of lust. He was still wanted. That was lust in the rawest form.

The need, the want, the primal inclination to give zero fucks about their age gap or how inappropriate this was or what the hell was going on. All he knew was that at that moment was that he wanted nothing more than he wanted Jaehyun. Even for one night. Even if it was a lie and he would wake up tomorrow morning like it was a dream.

The thought of possessing the man even for awhile made him weak to his fantasies. He had been yearning for Jaehyun the moment their eyes had met two years ago. And now this man, this beautiful man, with eyes deeper than the sea, and skin whiter than snow, was kissing him.

_It made him feel delirious._

Jaehyun led him to his bedroom, it was dimly lit, evening light filtering in _through_ the voile curtains. He did not get time to really focus on anything significant in the room before Jaehyun is on him again. He felt the cold draft, most likely from an open window somewhere. But he did not think seriously about it.

They wouldn’t need indoor heating tonight.

 

“Have you even done this before?” Jaehyun asked in between kissing his neck.

“I’m not a virgin if that’s what you’re so worried about.” Taeyong scoffed.

“Good.” He laughed, and his hot breath created clouds in the dark.

“Don’t treat me like one.” Taeyong huffed and brushed his cheek.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.”

 

They shed their clothes and the next thing Taeyong knew was that he’s being pushed onto pristine white sheets. Their hands wandered and fondled and caressed. Their breaths mixed into heated kisses, sloppy and unrestrained. Jaehyun didn’t just feel naked. He felt stripped. He felt stripped of his titles, of his responsibilities and expectations.

_This._

_Now, this was pure abandon._

 

They stumbled and grasped blindly in the dark. It was sinful.

But Jaehyun had never particularly felt like a saint anyway.

It is gritty and heady and it made him feel so light he could float away. Taeyong moaned and Jaehyun thought it sounded like music. He tries again to elicit the same reaction; the younger is compliant, making Jaehyun’s heart flutter at the sound.

 

It didn't take long for Taeyong to break.

 

He makes a mess of Jaehyun’s sheets, but he is unapologetic. He sees a different kind of stars that night. The ones that sparkled and burst like fireworks at the back of his eyes.

Jaehyun is on another level of perfection. He is too much. Taeyong doesn’t think he has ever felt so abused and cared for at the same time.

“You okay?” Jaehyun nudged his cheek with his nose, his own breath heavy.

“Yeah… just. God, you feel so bloody amazing.” Taeyong gasped. Jaehyun laughed and Taeyong pulled him down for another kiss, weaving his hands into that soft, fluffy hair like he’s been wanting to.

 

Taeyong in turn, helped Jaehyun reach his own pinnacle and his name is called out in broken syllables repeatedly. It sounded too lovely for his ears. Jaehyun groaned in completion, feeling very satisfied in a long time. His back arched elegantly and his lips trembled. He was pleasantly surprised by the younger’s aggressiveness and ability to return the favour in kind.

When their highs dissipated, Jaehyun slumped on him and they remained like that for awhile, trying to recover some semblance of lucidity. Their chests felt warm, hearts beating against each other's like drums.

Jaehyun kissed him one last time; it was just an innocent kiss, a thank you kiss. He got up from the bed and grabbed a towel from his closet, wiping himself down before passing it to Taeyong.

They put on their underwear and sink back into the mattress. Taeyong silently waited for permission and it was when Jaehyun leaned on his arm and wrapped the other one around his waist, only then did he scooted closer.

It was cold after all.

It didn’t take long for Jaehyun’s breathing to become consistent and it was then Taeyong dared to shift slightly to stare at him. His eyelashes are stark against his pale skin. His hair was pasted to his forehead from all the sweating, though he still looked drop dead gorgeous. He looked like Adonis even in his sleep. Taeyong won’t forget that face twisted in pleasure. It would be forever etched in his memory.

 

Taeyong knew how this would end. He knew it since Jaehyun asked him to grab a cup of coffee. It wouldn’t end happily ever after. When the sun rises, they would wipe away the last vestiges of this night and he would be left bare in the light. There would be no red strings, no fate or eternal love. They would part ways and go back to being strangers passing by in life.

He doesn’t want to fall asleep, he couldn’t. He wanted to memorise every single detail about the person sleeping next to him. He stared at the sleeping figure with the eyes of a zealous disciple.

Frankly, Jung Jaehyun was his new religion.

 

 

It was a loud buzzing sound that woke Taeyong up in the dead of the morning; he reached out to his side and found nothing but a cruel empty space. Jaehyun’s phone had gone off in an irritatingly grating way at 5.20 a.m. He was still sleepy but he turned to his side and found Jaehyun trying to wear his pants with one hand, almost tripping over himself. He looked just as tired as Taeyong did. He bumped into his dresser and stubbed his toe before bursting into a string of expletives.

“You’re leaving?” Taeyong asked whilst yawning. But his words came out all distorted and incoherent. His eyes were still too heavy and he failed at opening them properly.

“Yeah. I’m sorry. I got called to the hospital. It’s an emergency and they’re understaffed.” He said whilst rushing around the room grabbing things, finally pulling a t-shirt on.

“It’s okay.”

“Go back to sleep.” Jaehyun shoved his phone into his pocket despite the fact that it was still vibrating. He placed a chaste, albeit quick kiss on Taeyong’s forehead before mumbling a ‘bye’ and leaving him in a whole mess of confusion.

It is irrational, almost illegal to be called into work at such an hour. But Taeyong understood that the doctor had obligations that he was expected to fulfill. Though he would’ve liked to have had an opportunity to snuggle in the morning, he does eventually fall back asleep in the freezing bed.

 

He later woke up alone when his own phone buzzes; it was still inside the back pocket of his pants on the floor. It was already a little over nine and he knew he should get dressed and get out of bed. But he felt utterly reluctant to get out of Jaehyun’s bed. Even his smell lingered- like cloves and Freesias, and something else, sweet and warm like the sun.

 

If Jaehyun was the fire, Taeyong was left with the ashes.

 

He quickly dressed in his wrinkled clothes and made the bed. It took 5 minutes of internal debate before he decided to leave his number on Jaehyun’s bedside table. Taeyong didn’t think he will call but it couldn’t be helped. There is nothing distinct about Jaehyun’s bedroom except for the clothes in his closet; no photographs or trinkets or anything personal. The place doesn’t look quite lived in, but Taeyong knew being a busy doctor probably meant you didn’t have time to care about decorating.

 

When he stepped outside of the room, the first thing that hit him was the aroma of freshly brewed coffee. Then a head popped out of the kitchen and almost scared the shit out of Taeyong. A man with light ginger hair and slightly resembling a rabbit looked straight at him then nodded as if he suddenly remembered something.

“You’re finally awake? I made coffee. Come have some in the kitchen.” He invited and Taeyong was surprised to be addressed. “Jae didn’t really tell me your name but he did mention to treat you well and not to interrogate you.”

Taeyong’s plans to escape quietly have apparently been ruined. He would just have left, but he felt rude towards the mystery guy. So he did enter the kitchen and sat on the high stool next to the marble island. He looked around properly, considering he didn’t see anything of the house last night. It looked bright and airy, mostly furnished with white or grey or black, though there were occasional bursts of colour. There were boxes stacked next to the entrance and catalogues opened on the coffee table in the small but comfortable living room. The apartment is not luxurious but he could tell that its inhabitants had it better off than most.

“My name’s Taeyong. Nice to meet you.” Taeyong introduced himself, trying not to sound like an awkward fool.

“Nice to meet you too, Taeyong. Coffee?” The man extended a cup of coffee and Taeyong nodded. The coffee made him feel more refreshed and fuzzy inside. “My name’s Doyoung. I’m a surgeon at the same hospital as Jaehyun… At least I was.” Doyoung talked well, and he made Taeyong strangely comfortable despite the fact they just met on weird terms.

“Are you moving?”

“Yeah. I’ve been sharing this apartment with Jae since medical school but I’ve been offered a better position at a hospital on the other side of town.” Taeyong finished off his coffee fast even though it was too hot; Doyoung’s beady eyes remained trained on him.

 

“What?” Taeyong felt insecure as it was.

“Nothing. It’s just that Jaehyun has never brought anyone home. And you’re so… young.” The last word irked him. Young. He was still young in everyone’s eyes.

“I’m legal.” Taeyong insisted and Doyoung gave him a small smile.

“So I’ve been told.”

 

“I feel pretty rude for intruding on your morning.”

“You’re not.”

“I should… get going. I have… things to do.” He really didn’t but staying there any longer would feel wrong and he doesn’t think he could stand being seen like a child anymore.

“I understand. I won’t keep you from attending to your… things.” He gave the boy a wry smile and nodded in understanding. “It was nice meeting you.”

“Yeah… nice meeting you too. Thanks for the coffee.”

“No problem.”

 

Taeyong slipped out as quietly as possible.

 

Doyoung remained in the kitchen after that. He hummed to an old song and then chuckled to himself when he thought of the poor pretty boy that Jaehyun had fucked. Taeyong was handsome, very, but also ungainly and very, very awkward. Doyoung found him adorable. He has never been able to guess what Jaehyun’s type was despite being friends with him for seven years now.

“So young, Jae… so very young and breakable.” He murmured to himself as he washed the mugs.

 

 

 

 


	3. Three

Jaehyun did not call.

 

Two weeks of his new rota had been torturous. Taeyong’s number was saved in his phone and the piece of paper was tucked in his wallet, in between credit cards. Every single time he felt like calling he would stop himself, feeling unconfident and dubious on where exactly their relationship stood. Was it a one night stand that had happened in a moment of carnal weakness? Or was it a booty call? Did Tayong even know what he wanted? Heck, did Jaehyun himself even know what was going on?

It wasn’t clear cut but Jaehyun didn’t really want to know what it was.

He chewed on a power bar in the doctor’s mess after making rounds in the ward. The TV was turned on to some bogus game show that none of the residents even watched. Some lingered about, catching a quick nap on the stiff beds or cold sofa’s before the night calls started filtering in. He held the piece of paper in his left hand, just staring at the numbers scribbled in pencil.

Maybe I should call, he contemplated. Just to ask if he was okay. His father did just die recently.

 

And you fornicated with him straight after the funeral.

 

Was it just that? Two sad people who were sad together then decided they didn’t want to be sad anymore so they fucked because it was a good distraction.

One hell of a good distraction.

 

His thoughts were disrupted when his phone buzzed with a message from a nurse saying that there was an assault victim that just came in. He jumped from the sofa, eager to be far away from facing his problems. He fixed the cuffs of his dress shirt, before tightening his tie and pulling his white coat on. With his stethoscope in one hand and his phone in the other, he headed towards the A&E department on the lowest level.

 

The nurse, Irene, was waiting for him at the entrance. She was talking to Dr. Taeil about something before waving at Jaehyun.

“Where’s the patient?” Jaehyun immediately asked her.

“Right. Let me take show you.” She excused herself from Dr. Taeil with a nod but the older doctor simply followed them. He was always looking for an excuse to help out or check the progress of the patients in the emergency wards.

It was bad enough they were all friends now.

Jaehyun had always revered Dr. Moon Taeil not just because he was the senior that took care of him, but he was also soft spoken and caring and very very handsome. He wouldn’t admit it now, but he might have had a crush on the elder without realizing it himself.

However that respect totally crumbled (well not entirely) when Jaehyun walked into his apartment one fine morning to find the sweet doctor whom he had admired for years making out with his flat mate Doyoung. It totally shocked him that they even knew each other. From there, the two began a casual relationship in which no one knew their status exactly. Sometimes they were on, sometimes off. They paused occasionally but Jaehyun had never approached Taeil, and Doyoung was too much of a friend for him to be involved that way. So now behind everyone’s backs Jaehyun called Taeil by his first name or just hyung.

Because only god knew if he could get rid of that image of them out of his head even if he dug his eyeballs out.

 

“His vitals look fine but he’s pretty black and blue, poor boy took a rough beating. I put him on an IV drip because he looked like he could pass out any minute.” Irene reported, leading him to a curtained off unit.

“Age?” Taeil and Jaehyun asked in sync.

“Early twenties. Male. He’s a college student judging from his ID. Some good Samaritans brought him in.” She pulled away the curtain and Jaehyun’s eyes widened and he involuntarily gasped.

Sat on the hospital bed with his legs dangling of the edge, expressionless and woozy was Taeyong. His eyes were clouded and he looked as if he was run over by a truck. His face was swollen and blue on one side and his clothes were bloodstained. He turned to face them and for a very long moment, they simply stared each other, unblinking. Jaehyun’s mind goes blank.

 

He should have called.

 

Taeyong’s face broke into a small smirk, probably induced by the shock or the drugs, maybe both.

“We should stop meeting like this Jaehyun.”

 

They really should. It was getting ridiculous at this point.

 

“Do you know the patient Doctor?” Irene asked and Jaehyun simply sighed in defeat, nodding. Jaehyun cannot exactly form words in his head because the need to hold Taeyong in his arms now was real. Taeyong was already painful to look at.

Now the feeling was tenfold.

 

“He’s a friend.” Dr. Taeil is looking at him with a puzzled expression before glancing at Taeyong. Taeyong gave him the same lazy smile, despite the fact that it hurt to do so.

“Hi Dr. Moon. Long time no see.” Taeil nodded, kind of dumbfounded by the whole situation.

“I can handle him alone. I’ll call if I need any help. Irene can you prepare the paperwork.”

“Of course.” She handed him the clipboard and closed off the curtains. Taeil followed her back to the reception, both curious as to how their colleague knew the patient.

 

 

Jaehyun snapped on rubber gloves and sat on the stool before looking Taeyong in the eyes.

“Where are you hurt?”

“To be honest… everywhere. It hurts everywhere.” Taeyong groaned.

“Where should I start? Can you move your arms and feet?”

“My arm is sore but I think my feet are fine. I have a very deep cut on my collar and one on my knee.” There were blood stains on the edge of his t-shirt and another one at the knee part of his jeans. A laceration was clearly visible just under his collarbone. It was at least half an inch deep and Jaehyun knew it will scar. It was strange to think that just two weeks ago, he was drawing circles on the exact spot. Jaehyun knew that there must be other cuts, small and minor but it still rattled him. Someone had intentionally hurt Taeyong.

“I’ll clean your cuts first then treat your other injuries okay? Just so that they won’t get infected because they look pretty deep. Can I help you remove your shirt?” He nodded and Jaehyun helped him take off his shirt, though he did note that the younger had winced when trying to tug it out of his arms.

He dunked a cloth into distilled water and began to clean the wound, eyes not able to meet Taeyong’s. But he could feel the other staring at him. It was when Jaehyun began to apply antiseptic to the cut that Taeyong started to speak. Though the first thing he said made Jaehyun frown.

And to think he could have maintained his poker-faced professionalism around the boy.

 

“It’s official. Dr. Moon must think I’m a vagabond crook trying to fool his favourite student.”

“I’m not his favourite student.” Jaehyun answered, tight lipped.

“And I’m not a hoodlum.” He replied sarcastically. Jaehyun is amazed at his impudence even in an emergency room.

“No one uses the word hoodlum or vagabond anymore.” He said, his voice low and grave. He gave Taeyong a look that silenced him. “Do you want to explain how you ended up like… this?”

“It’s going to sound like a melodrama.”

“I’m a Doctor. My whole life is a melodrama.” Jaehyun assured him with a roll of his eyes.

“Fine… My dead father… gambled a lot in his spare time… and he accumulated a debt the size of China.”

“Wow that really does sound dramatic.” He sounded lifeless responding to Taeyong but it is partly due to the fact that he was concentrating on treating him. Jaehyun rolled up his jeans till they are just above his kneecap. He repeated the process of cleaning the wound all over again. This wound was bigger and he was definitely going to need stitches.

“I came back home from school late because I stayed at the library till midnight.” Jaehyun snorted and Taeyong glowered at the Doctor, highly offended. “I actually study okay.”

“Continue…”

“And there were these guys waiting outside the house. There were three of them and they were exactly like in those in those bad gangster movies, burly, and hairy and wearing gaudy Hawaiian T-shirts.”

“You remember what their t-shirts look like?” Jaehyun asked out loud as he prepared the surgical thread for the suture. “Look away if you’re squeamish.” He warned before proceeding to stitch Taeyong’s knee up.

“Don’t judge me okay? I ran but they caught up to me, cornered me in an alley, beat me up, and then demanded the money. I told them my father was dead. Of course they didn’t believe me and beat me up some more. Some pedestrians noticed and they fled. It felt like the right thing to do was go to the hospital instead of trying to patch myself up.” He finished his story but winced once again when he moved his right arm to look more closely at Jaehyun suturing his knee.

“Good. I’m glad you didn’t because I think your arm is dislocated.” He deadpanned whilst he finished off the knot carefully.

“I think they broke my nose as well.”

 

“Let me help with your arm. Turn around.” He lowered the bed a bit before wheeling the stool closer. Taeyong did and Jaehyun wrapped another cloth around itself, creating a ball.

“Put this in your mouth.” He passed it to Taeyong and he complied, eyes alarmed.

“This is going to hurt. Just bear with it okay?” The doctor warned before gripping his right arm. He moved it slightly around trying to find the socket, when he felt it; he pushed the joint back in mercilessly. Taeyong felt his swollen joint pop back into it’s original position and he sharply bit down on the fabric, teeth chattering, eyes stinging, as the pain slowly dissipated into something more bearable.

“That actually hurt!”He hissed, voice high pitched and accusing.

“I told you.” Jaehyun shrugged and placed an ice bag on his shoulder to ease the ache. He shivered when the cold came into contact with his skin. “Lie down, tell me if anything hurts okay?”

He stood up and mechanically moved Taeyong’s other limbs, checking for signs of damage and fracture.

 

“I know… it’s not my place to ask. But how are you planning to pay back your father’s debt?”

“I guess I’ll just… sell the house or whatever. It’s not like my parents left me anything valuable. I’m a scholarship student so I’ll stretch the money out somehow…”

“Where do you study?”

“I’m a scholar at SNU.” Jaehyun thought he misheard but he definitely heard it right. Suddenly, Taeyong doesn’t look like the simple boy he thought he was.

“That’s uh… a good school.”

 

It was the best school.

 

Seoul National University was the top university in the country. And Jaehyun knew for a fact that only the top three percent in the country could get into that hell hole. Taeyong was a scholarship student on top of that. The boy must either be dangerously hard working or a descendant of Einstein.

“Is there someone I should call to inform you’re here?”

“My friend Ten. My uncle is out of town and I don’t think I want to bother my aunt at this ungodly hour.” Jaehyun nodded and noted it down on his clipboard. Taeyong pointed to his phone in a tray next to the bed filled with his other personal belongings. He jotted the number down from his phone and then turned to Taeyong.

 

“Do you have a place to go back to? After this I mean.” Taeyong unconsciously shrugged and then yelped like a kicked puppy. Jaehyun felt the pain as well.

“Not sure…”

“I’ll make a sling for your arm in a bit.” The doctor internally cringed and began to write things down on the clipboard again. “I’ll ask Nurse Irene to put in some morphine in your IV drip and prescribe some painkillers soon. I’ll also prepare some ointment.”

“Can’t you give me something to knock me out immediately or whatever?”

“I’m a physician not your local drug dealer Taeyong.”

“Same difference.”

 

There is a pause before Taeyong spoke again, changing the tone of his voice.

 

“As for your question about where I will go after this… I’ll make it work somehow. I’ll sell the house and pay off the debt. I’ll stretch the scholarship money somehow; maybe find a room, work five jobs or something. Though I have to ask, this will cost a bomb right? I don’t think I have medical insurance.”

 

Oh dear, Jaehyun paled.

 

“I think my scholarship can cover the medical bills… hopefully.” Taeyong smiled wryly. Jaehyun was not convinced by the word ‘hopefully’.

 

“Stay at my place.” The words were out of his mouth before he could take them back. Jaehyun wanted to slap himself. What the hell was he saying? Sure… he knew Taeyong but he didn’t really know Taeyong.

“What?” The man in question himself looked a little taken aback by the offer.

“I mean… if you don’t have a place to stay. You met Doyoung right? I have an extra room now that he’s moved out.”

 

Stop stop stop…

You’re making it worst, Jaehyun’s mind screamed.

Doyoung had bombarded him with questions after that day, gushing about how handsome his conquest was before tearing into him about defiling an innocent boy. Taeyong was definitely not an innocent and neither was Doyoung for that matter.

 

“That’s really nice of you to offer… but I don’t need someone else’s charity or pity.” Jaehyun was somewhat offended but he knew how prideful the troubled were. And Taeyong was definitely trouble. But Jaehyun couldn’t sleep at night (or day) thinking about him not having a roof over his head or enough food on the table or physically hurt like he was now.

Even the thought sucked.

 

“It’s not charity. I’m sincerely offering assistance. You can pay half the rent and bills when you’ve become financially stable.” He explained.

“Are you serious?”Taeyong sputtered, still skeptical.

“As serious as can be. Besides, I kind of need a flat mate and you look like a good kid who could use the help. I really do want to help you.”

 

Because I’m worried like hell you will suddenly appear into my life again, all bruised and bloody.

 

And I don’t want that to happen again.

 

Jaehyun’s inner worries were left unsaid.

 

“What of our… sleeping arrangements?” He coughed awkwardly. Jaehyun stared at him for a moment before his face lit up with an amused grin. He wanted to laugh but he’s sure the nurses will hear.

“You don’t have be so worried, I’m barely home so you’ll probably have the place to yourself. You can sleep in your own room. But… if you want to… I’m always there to help.” Taeyong can only guess what that type of assistance that really entailed.

“You mean you’ll totally be up for fucking if I asked for it?”

“Totally.” He did not blink when answering.

“That doesn’t sound like a bad proposal.” Taeyong nodded, thinking deeply for once that night.

 

It sounded horrendous. Taeyong knew the risk of getting involved any further.

 

“How do I know you won’t kill me in the night and use my organs to create hybrid zombies in your secret underground lab?” He asked in all seriousness.

“Wouldn’t I have done that time the first time I slept with you?” Jaehyun did not even pause to answer the outlandish question.

“Touché.”

 

“I’m afraid I’m just a normal medical practitioner. Not Frankenstein neither Hyde or even George Clooney. Sorry to disappoint.” Jaehyun clicked his tongue.

“You watch Grey’s Anatomy too? Oh my fucking god.” Taeyong gasped dramatically.

“You’ll have to accept my proposition now.” Jaehyun murmured, amused.

“Thank you my fellow Clooney enthusiast.”

They burst into laughter for a moment and Jaehyun clamped a hand over his mouth before composing himself and glaring daggers at the younger for making him lose his cool. Even in the hospital, his natural environment, Taeyong made him forget who he was. It was scary.

 

Taeyong’s laugh quickly escalated into heaving and then a coughing fit. When it subsided he turned to Jaehyun with glassy eyes.

“Ow. My chest hurts. I don’t think I can laugh. Don’t make me laugh.”

 

Right. They were still doctor-patient at the moment.

 

Though really in the span of a month their relationship had undergone a whole freaking metamorphosis; from strangers to one-night-stands to house mates.

 

“Give me a minute I’ll call Irene to help.” Jaehyun knew he should really be doing his job and relieving his patient of his pain by now.

 

“Wait! I’ll pay the half the rent starting from February.”

“If you insist.” Jaehyun really should call Irene to help now but Taeyong said something that stopped him in his tracks.

“Thank you Jaehyun. I mean it.” And he looked at Jaehyun with those eyes, like he was looking at a sunset and the doctor felt himself being dragged into something surreal. What was his name? What should he be doing right now? He blinked hard and fast.

“You’re welcome. I’ll be right back. Just lie down.” He excused himself to leave for awhile but he came back on second later, his head peeping from behind the curtain,

“Oh, I forgot to say… you do realise we have to report this to the police?”

Jaehyun dreaded the paperwork but it was standard procedure so he merely shrugged as his patient groaned and then slumped onto the hospital bed. Taeyong wondered how many forms he’ll have to fill and how much money he’s going to be forced to fork out.

 

 

Limitless, for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a punny person.
> 
> NO regrets.


	4. Four

Taeyong was discharged two days later, it took him merely a week to clear the house single handedly (because his other hand was still in a sling) with the help of some hired movers (really just Donghyuck). He settled the details with his uncle and his lawyer friend so that they could deal with selling off the property. He pawned off whatever he could, not that there was much to. Part of him felt like he should have felt some sort of melancholy or nostalgia in moving and leaving his childhood home. But Taeyong preferred it that way. He wanted to cut that part of him off once and for all. This was an opportunity to a clean slate, a new life, a new him.

In the end, his life was reduced to thirteen boxes.

 

He recruited Ten to help him move house during lunch. Jaehyun’s apartment was nearer to the university so his best friend helped him carry the boxes to his room. Ten, being Ten, gaped at anything and everything in the doctor’s house. Jaehyun was not home and had informed Taeyong that he would be on-call that night so he had sent him the keys in advance.

“Is he not home?” Ten asked aloud, peeking into the kitchen.

“No… he’s busy working.”

“Shame. I wanted to meet your doctor friend slash generous benefactor. Is he as gorgeous as his kind heart is?” Ten raised his eyebrows in suggestion but Taeyong just shoved him away.

“Are you going to help me or not, Ten?” He said testily as he tried to lift a box with his good arm.

“Yeah, sorry.” His best friend grinned and quickly helped him. The room is simply furnished with a single bed, a dresser, a desk area and a bookcase. Firstly, Ten set about dusting and mopping whilst Taeyong unpacked his clothes to put in the dresser. As expected, Doyoung had cleaned the room meticulously, even up to Taeyong’s high standards and at least he had the decency to not leave anything behind.

Ten left for class after two hours when the room was mostly clean and all the boxes were unpacked. Taeyong promised to buy him a meal for helping him and he squealed in excitement before kissing Taeyong on the cheek and rushing to his lecture. There are only his books left to organize on the bookcase.

 

He spent the first night alone; it was so quiet that he could hear the crickets chirping and the winter breeze howling. For a moment, he worried about Jaehyun. The hospital was already as cold as it is, and it felt like a refrigerator at this time of the year.

Taeyong cooked ramyeon and ate it straight from the pot in the living room. There is a large flat screen TV and the latest surround sound installed though he doubted that Jaehyun even watched TV. He rolled in bed for two hours, unused to the new mattress. It made his body sore. That and the fact that his arm was still messed up. He did eventually fall asleep, when exhaustion finally collapsed the frame of his thoughts.

 

When Taeyong wandered into the living room that morning, feeling refreshed even though his arm felt sore from sleeping in the wrong position, he almost jumped at the sight of a figure lying on the sofa. Jaehyun squished his long body into the shape of the sofa, his eyes were shut, face scrunched and his left hand was dangling off the edge. He didn’t even remove his shoes and his tie and his laptop bag was abandoned on the floor next to the door.

He looked half dead.

 

So this is what doctors go through. Huh.

 

Taeyong sat there for a good five minutes, just staring at the sleeping doctor. He had been in this position before, staring at the Jaehyun as he slept; it’s pretty creepy, he admitted but he can’t seem to stop himself. Suddenly, he’s afraid of it becoming an infatuation.

He removed the doctor’s shoes and found a quilt to put over him. A pang of guilt hit him hard and he’s suddenly a burden. Maybe not, but he felt that way.

 

How burdensome you are, Lee Taeyong.

 

“I owe you a lot, Jung Jaehyun.” He whispered to himself. It was a shame no one heard him.

 

 

Jaehyun jolted awake and the first thing that attacked his senses was the smell. It wasn’t a bad smell; it was quite a nice fragrance, of cloves and spices, like a home cooked meal. He hadn’t had one of those since… well, he doesn’t really remember the last time he had one of those.

Taeyong is not surprised when he found the doctor awake on the couch, still half covered by the quilt. He is blinking at his surrounding, trying to wipe away the sleepiness from his eyes.

“Morning.”

“M-morning.” He stifled a yawn.

“Have some breakfast.” Taeyong put a tray of food in front of him. It compromised of a bowl of what looked like hangover soup, some side dishes and fruit.

“Thank you.” He sighed as he immediately started scarfing down his food.

“Careful. It’s hot.” It was. But Jaehyun doesn’t mind. He liked the feeling of the heat sliding down his throat. It relaxed him.

“What time is it?”

“Half past nine.”

 

Taeyong watched as Jaehyun finished his food with gusto, his own cup of coffee remained untouched in his hands. It was just there to keep his hands warm. His plate was practically clean when he slumped back into the cushion with a satisfied sigh; the sound made Taeyong’s ears perk up. He had heard that sound before- in bed.

 

“Are you going to work later?” Taeyong asked him.

“No… I have the next two days off. Do you have class today?”

“Jaehyun, it’s Saturday.”

“Oh right… Saturday. I’m sorry, I get really jet lagged after a long haul. Sometimes, I don’t even know what day it is or what month or what year.” Jaehyun stared dumbly at him and pushed his hair back. Taeyong still found that hot as hell.

“Do you want some warm milk? I don’t think you can handle any caffeine in your state.”

“What about tea?”

“Tea has more caffeine than coffee does.” Taeyong pointed out. Jaehyun knew that but smiled anyway.

“Smart lad. I’ll accept that milk offer.” Jaehyun chuckled. Right, SNU student, must be more informed than most. He disappeared into the kitchen momentarily before coming back into the living room with a cup of warm milk. Jaehyun felt positively spoiled with the home cooked breakfast and milk at that point. But he doesn’t complain, it was very comfortable to be babied once in awhile. He could get used to this.

 

Does he want to get used to this?

 

“This tastes nicer than normal milk.” Jaehyun nodded approvingly.

“I put some Madagascar vanilla extract and a dash of cinnamon.”

“Madagascar what? I have those?” He asked, honestly bewildered by the contents of his own pantry and what Taeyong has done with them.

“Yeah, apparently not much of anything else.” Taeyong hid his laugh by taking a sip of coffee.

“Huh?”

It was the lack of sleep that’s making him stupid. He can barely string a coherent sentence. He really wanted to go back to sleep, no matter how lovely Taeyong looked that morning. Maybe he could convince Taeyong to let him be his huggable human pillow. He looked so fluffy in that particular sweater…

 

No…

No…

Sit boy.

 

“You barely have anything edible in your kitchen, Jaehyun. Just expensive garnishes and the biggest variety of instant coffee I’ve ever seen in one place. But nothing much that I can use to actually cook.” Jaehyun paused momentarily and thought of how the fuck he managed to survive all these years with Doyoung and bland coffee and MSG abundant Chinese takeway.

 

You cook? Did I even cook?

He really couldn’t think anymore.

 

“Tell you what, let me sleep in for three more hours then we can go grocery shopping after.”

“And get lunch.” The younger added.

“Get lunch as well then.”

“Call!” He shouted a little too enthusiastically.

 

“Not so loud in the morning.”

“Oops… sorry.”

 

 

As they leisurely strolled through the aisles of the nearby supermarket, Taeyong made it look like he was walking down the catwalk instead, despite the fact he was pushing a trolley. Jaehyun also discovered something about Taeyong that seemed totally unexpected.

That he was the ultimate housewife.

He checked the expiry dates of all the products, and then examined freshness of the produce like he was a professional health inspector. He asked the fishmonger to scale and debone the fish then asked the butcher to add extra curry leaves so that the meat wouldn’t smell. Jaehyun followed, wide eyed as the young boy tutted then complained about the increase of cooking oil prices like a real adult would. For once, he felt like the younger one.

“Take that one.” Jaehyun pointed to a specific brand of rice.

“But that’s expensive.

“I like that one.” Jaehyun shrugged. As if the cost of things had ever bothered him.

“Fine.” Taeyong relented and put the bag of rice in the trolley.

 

Evidently, he was shrewd too.

 

When they went to the cashier to pay, Jaehyun made it a point to flip out his black credit card before the younger could even protest about him paying. Taeyong frowned.

“I pay, you cook.”

“Fine.”

 

They made it twenty metres in the shopping mall before someone recognized Jaehyun.

“Jae!”

 

No. Please no.

Don’t let it be someone from the hospital.

 

His dread manifested itself in the form of Kang Seulgi as he turned back (and regretted) and spotted her along with Irene and Taeil. They were all in casual clothes on their day off as well.

Great. Just great.

It gets better!

 

God knows when they weren’t together. But they just had to be here together at that exact moment, at the exact shopping mall like there weren’t a billion other malls in South Korea. The eight planets were probably aligned and their horoscopes were jinxed or something for them to have met like this.

“Jae! Oh and… Taeyong-ssi?” Seulgi stopped short when she noticed him beside the doctor.

“Good day.” He bowed formally to them. Jaehyun wanted the ground to swallow him whole. This was not how he wanted his friends to find out. Nor did he want anyone from the hospital to find out at all.

“You look better. It’s nice to see you again.” Irene bowed back and greeted him with a smile, though her eyes flickered to Jaehyun questionably. Taeil was just staring outright at the trolley filled with groceries.

 

Suspicious activity alert.

 

“We were just about to go for lunch.” Jaehyun explained as if that would suffice. Irene’s eyebrows went higher.

“We were too. Join us! You too, Taeyong-ssi! Taeil’s paying!” Seulgi locked Jaehyun’s arm in a death drip and looked at him with eyes that said – you’re not going to slip away without properly explaining as to why you are grocery shopping with a patient.

“Join us.” Taeil nudged the boy. He was curious too.

“If Taeyong’s okay with it…” Jaehyun was struggling to find words and shake Seulgi off at this point. He knew he was in deep shit for not telling his friends earlier but he doesn’t really know how to explain.

 

So yeah… remember that guy that got beat up the other day? I adopted him. Coincidentally, I also had a one night stand with him after his father’s funeral and now, he’s making me breakfast all day…

It didn’t sound convincing.

Or sane for that matter.

 

Jaehyun prayed that Taeyong would refuse politely and he would get out of the interrogation session.

“I don’t mind.” Taeyong smiled timidly.

Jaehyun was screwed.

 

 

The atmosphere was stifling; Seulgi and Irene sat on one side frying the meat whilst Taeil, Jaehyun and Taeyong sat on the other. Taeyong tried his best to explain on behalf of Jaehyun how he ended up as his flat mate and not totally tarnish the physician’s reputation.

At least he tried.

 

“So… Jaehyun hyung offered his spare room.” It was the first time Taeyong has ever called him ’hyung’ and he had mixed feelings about it but he had never really established what relationship they had. The term apparently fitted the situation and surely normal people would find it strange that Taeyong just called him by his first name.

He finished explaining to the threesome who were listening intently. Of course, Taeyong left out certain explicit details which (if revealed) would send his friends into an uproar.

“How benevolent of him.” Taeil said sarcastically. He knew that tone too well to know that it was intentional.

“Oh stop. Don’t exaggerate, I’m blushing.” Jaehyun gritted through his teeth before almost pushing Taeil off his seat.

“Poor thing! I hope you’re feeling better now. And so handsome too.” Irene cooed over Taeyong.

“I’m fine now. I should be able to go back to school by Monday.” He smiled awkwardly, unused to the attention. Well… the blatant attention anyway. His friends didn’t know what subtle was.

“You’re a university student, right? What do you study?”

“I study law at SNU.” It was the first time Jaehyun was hearing this too, and his interest piqued at the tidbit of information. He didn’t take Taeyong as someone who would be studying law, maybe something more creative like architecture or liberal arts. It never occurred to him that the boy would be studying something so strenuous and orderly… and righteous.

“That’s impressive.” Taeil nodded and Jaehyun can see the misgivings evaporate out of his gaze. So he wasn’t a hooligan after all.

“It’s not.” Taeyong shook his head and looked down to his hands.

 

“You’re a scholarship student too, right? Since some big law firm paid for your medical expenses?” Irene asked, recalling the paperwork she had done just a week ago.

“Heol.” Seulgi gaped.

“Yes. I’m a scholar.” Taeyong confirmed.

“Didn’t you guys take the Hippocratic oath when you guys graduated? Whatever happened to patient confidentiality? Stop badgering the boy.” Jaehyun snapped.

“I wasn’t asking him as a nurse.” She fought him back testily. “Call me Irene noona okay, Taeyongie?”

“What?” Jaehyun scoffed and Taeyong just looked bewildered.

“Me too! It’s Seulgi noona now, okay?”

 

Taeyong was flustered and blushing at the absurd requests, but he nodded politely. Jaehyun thought it was so fucking cute. Seulgi and Irene probably felt the same way because they totally abandon the meat to ask Taeyong more questions.

“Oh and you should call Taeil over there hyung too. He’s the oldest out of all us. He’s a fossil.” Irene said.

“Actually, I prefer to be called-“

“Ignore the dinosaur. He has an inferiority complex and insists that everyone calls him ‘Dr.’. That’s why he’s also still single.”

“Yah, Kang Seulgi!” Taeil glowered, flushed red from embarrassment.

“The meat is gonna overcook.” Jaehyun took the tongs from Seulgi and started to pile it on top of Taeyong’s rice.

“That’s a lot, hyung.” Even Taeyong is unused to calling him that and it certainly showed from the way he strained himself to say it.

“You’re recovering. You should eat a lot.” Seulgi insisted, putting some vegetables into his bowl.

“It’s okay, hyung is paying.” Taeil patted him. There is a moment of silence before then everyone turned to look at Taeil. The table’s occupants burst into laughter; even Taeyong is amused by Taeil’s 360 degree change.

Oh dear god, even Taeil loves him.

Jaehyun cringed.

 

“Our Taeil is so cool now!” Seulgi and Irene cackled to themselves, dramatically wiping away fake tears. Those two should have been actresses instead.

“Shut up.”

 

“I can’t believe you guys are licensed medical practitioners…” Jaehyun sighed deeply; he really was mortified at this point. “This is why I never introduce you guys to anyone! You guys are holy embarrassing!”

 

They are mostly silent on the drive back home. Jaehyun tried his best to drown the awkwardness by putting on music, specifically Adele’s latest album. He knew most of the songs well enough to sing along and when he glanced sideways, Taeyong was singing to himself as well.

“I’m sorry that my colleagues were… weird.” He started.

“Not at all. Irene noona and Seulgi noona are lovely. Taeil hyung is…”

“Strange?”

“Yes… no… slightly. He’s a nice person though. I don’t think I made the nicest first impression on him so I don’t blame him.”

“No… not really.” Jaehyun agreed, thinking back to the time when Taeyong visited his cousin in the hospital. “You looked like a vagabond hoodlum.”

“Yeah…” Taeyong chuckled.

 

“Hyung.” Jaehyun coughed awkwardly.

“Pardon?”

“You can call me hyung or Jaehyun. I really don’t mind. I mean… we are living together now.” God that was weird to say out loud.

“I’ll speak to you comfortably from now on.”

“Good… we should live comfortably with each other.” Jaehyun nodded staring at the road ahead.

However, Jaehyun didn’t really know what he was saying.

Because he sure as hell still found Taeyong ridiculously attractive. But on the other hand, he is also overwhelmed by a fierce urge to protect the boy. This felt like a bad episode of Friends (were they on a ‘break’?) and he’s already mentally preparing himself when he has to go to work and endure his colleagues endless teasing.


	5. Five

They gradually became acclimated to each other.

 

Jaehyun’s rota frequently changed like fashion trends did- with no rhyme or reason whatsoever. So he was always home at odd hours. Whilst Taeyong had a set schedule for most of his days. He would leave by 8 o’ clock for class and then work a couple of hours at the university library, which gave him time to study on the side. Later he would work at a nearby convenient store for a couple more hours. He would arrive home by 9 o’clock and make dinner and Jaehyun would arrive home by 10 o’clock if he wasn’t on call. Then they would eat dinner together in the comfortable lull of conversations. They would part into their respective rooms and call it a night.

Neither of them had initiated anything again.

 

Their touches were no longer than what was appropriate, no lingering or heated gazes. Maybe it just didn’t feel right to ruin the newly built friendship. If they could even call it friendship.

 

Although sometimes Jaehyun would wake up in the middle of the night for a glass of water and he would see the lights still on in Taeyong’s room. It reminded him of his own hellish school days when he had to juggle being on call for twenty-four hours and studying for exams at the same time. He’s even surprised he made it through that phase. He was always the weaker one. But Hansol was the one that had died.

Jaehyun doesn’t like thinking about his dead friend at night.

It was a terrible time to think at all. It made him too vulnerable.

He felt like he should tell Taeyong to sleep and get some rest. The boy was already working two jobs and studying so hard. But twenty-something Jaehyun had also ignored the exact same advice seven years ago. He had ploughed through brutal shifts without food or sleep or even a toilet breaks. Jaehyun walked to Taeyong’s door and pressed his ear against the wood. He heard the clicking sounds of a keyboard; perhaps Taeyong was finishing an essay or a power point or something.

 

Jaehyun knew naught about law, but he knew enough to know that it was very very hard, maybe not as hard as medical school, but it seemed to involve just as much reading and memorizing and regurgitating it back out again like last night’s dinner.

He doesn’t think before he knocked on Taeyong’s door.

 

“Come in.”

“You’re not sleeping yet?” He asked, leaning against the doorway, afraid to get closer. Taeyong removed his earphones, it sounded like he was blasting those abhorrent EDM trap songs again. Maybe because it was so loud and annoying that it kept him awake.

“Truckload of assignments. The lecturers are being especially nice this year.” Taeyong stretched the word ‘nice’ sarcastically.

“I feel you. You think after high school life would have been easier, huh?” Jaehyun reflected cynically.

“Hyung… are you here for something?” Taeyong asked softly, eyes searched his face for any trace of innuendo, of telltale desire.

“Not really… Why do you ask?” He asked before the hidden meaning actually hit him. He must admit, he did feel a little nonplussed by the question.

 

“Oh… no. I was trying to satisfy a very different kind of thirst actually. But I saw your room lights were still on. Thought I would check up on you. Thanks for the offer though.” Jaehyun gestured to his cup of water.

“Your ears are red.” He pointed out, a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

“Shouldn’t you be fucking with somebody your age or something? I’m sure there are many girls… and guys who find you just as hot.” Jaehyun said exasperated, he was definitely experiencing secondhand embarrassment.

Wait… Did he just confess he found Taeyong hot?

 

“None like you.” The boy shot him a winning smile and Jaehyun snorted.

“I’m flattered. Night, kid.” He ruffled his hair before closing the door and heading back to his own room.

 

He’s going to deny that night ever happened.

 

 

Jaehyun wouldn’t say he was a total slob. He still had standards, he was a medical professional after all and hygiene was expected. But sometimes, he just didn’t have time to keep the house in tip top condition. Hell, he even had trouble doing laundry on time let alone vacuuming the place every month.

One day, during a break in his office in the midst of doing paperwork, he got a call from Taeyong.

 

“Jaehyun-hyung?”

“Yes?” He was still unused to that.

“I’m cleaning. Can I go into your room?”

 

The question felt odd. Taeyong had already been in his room for… obvious reasons. But he didn’t think it was ever his personal space to begin with. He paused for awhile wondering if there were any skeletons in his closet.

Hopefully not.

 

“Hyung?”

“Of course you can. I don’t think I have any incriminating evidence in my bedroom though. So you don’t have to try so hard to find any dead bodies or cryogenic pods.” Jaehyun said blasély as he signed another medical report.

“Oh darn! And here I was thinking I could report you to the FBI or Interpol.” Taeyong scoffed on the other line as the doctor chuckled. He ignored the curious look on Seulgi’s face when she came to take the reports.

 

Jaehyun found out that Taeyong was a total neat freak.

Like borderline OCD.

 

His house had never been cleaner and Doyoung had nagged about absolutely everything. The house was so organized and spic and span that he could probably eat from his bathroom floor.

Not that he would risk trying.

 

That day when he came back from the hospital and Taeyong had cleaned his room, the first thing he noticed was one of his two white coats folded neatly on his bed. Jaehyun was pretty sure it was the same coat because his name was embroidered on the left breast but it looked brand new. The missing button had been mended and the bothersome stains gone and it looked thoroughly washed and probably bleached because the white was too blinding.

“This must be some sort of magic trick. How the hell did you get the pen stains out? Those were probably two years old!”

“Nail polish remover and lemon juice.” Taeyong answered, not even looking up from dicing carrots.

“You’re a miracle worker, you know?”

“You’re awfully cheery…”

“If law school ever fails you, you should just open a launderette! I would support you a hundred percent.”

“Now you’re just being extra, hyung.” Taeyong pushed him off as he tried to hug the younger.

 

Jaehyun liked finding pieces of Taeyong in the house, like how his medical journals were now organized by their year of publication. Or how his ties are now colour coded. And his sock drawer had never looked so appealing to open. His work clothes would appear on his bed, starched and pressed like it had been done by a professional. The kitchen was used on a daily basis and Jaehyun would be greeted home by the nice aroma of garlic cloves and onions sautéing. It made the house feel like a home. For once, he felt like eating out was a waste of time and energy. Ostensibly, Taeyong’s prudence was rubbing off on him.

The furniture was always spotless and the house smelled clean all the time. Taeyong had a trigger finger with the Febreeze. He probably used up a bottle per week.

He certainly lived up to his title of the ultimate housewife.

 

 

There are nights, really shitty nights when Jaehyun comes back home and Taeyong’s not there because he is studying at the library or working overtime but he would still leave food for him in the fridge. Usually, Jaehyun would take a quick shower and heat up the food and wait for Taeyong to come home and they would eat together.

It became somewhat traditional to eat dinner together.

 

After a very long arduous day at work, he was ready to give up on life. He wanted to go home and eat nice food that Taeyong made, curl into his soft bed and fall sleep to Debussy or Schubert.

But that night, it was pouring, and when Jaehyun walked through the door, the flat is quiet and dark and cold and Jaehyun’s ready to burst into tears. He dropped his backpack to the floor and kicked his shoes off like a petulant child. He then pulled his tie off and sagged onto the sofa, emotionally deflated.

He tried his best to blink back the tears, but he failed miserably. He needed Taeyong. He didn’t want to admit it but he needed his halcyon presence. He wanted to sleep in his arms; he wanted to hear his heartbeat tremor against his ears, he wanted to be enveloped by the smell of rain over freshly cut grass, of lavender and soap. He wanted the only semblance of tranquility in his chaotic life- Taeyong.

He wanted Taeyong now.

 

Thank the heavens that heard him because the door opened and the lights came on and Taeyong squeaked at the sight of Jaehyun sitting in the dark, no less, looking like a hobo.

“God, hyung! You freaking scared me. What are you doing creeping like this?”

“I don’t know…” He stared blankly back.

“Are you okay?”

“No.” He wasn’t lying. He really did felt like a mess. His hair was in disarray and his dress shirt wrinkled. He was still trying to hold back the tears.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Taeyong asked as he sat down next to him. Now that he was closer, Jaehyun could see the water droplets glinting in his hair and the dampness of his t-shirt. His leather jacket still shiny with sheen of moisture and it dribbled onto the carpet.

“Not yet.” He shook his head.

“Well, do you need anything?” Taeyong asked gently, putting a hand on his thigh.

 

“You.” He whispered it so softly Taeyong thought he had misheard.

“What?”

“I need you.” Jaehyun confessed in a strangled voice.

His dam was about to burst and it hurt so fucking much that he didn’t really care what Taeyong thought. It was instinctive when he pulled the younger close and buried his face in his chest. He doesn’t remember the last time he cried that hard, if he had ever cried that hard before.

Taeyong is initially shocked but he knew that Jaehyun simply needed someone to console him. He slowly patted the others back, murmured soothing words and let him soak his t-shirt with long held tears. He can only imagine what could have pushed the doctor to the edge like this. The next thing that he knew was that the consoling had turned to hugging which turned to kissing which escalated to… more.

He wasn’t sure what this was. But feeling Jaehyun tremble against him made him weak. He was needed for once. He went along with it despite of everything.

 

Jaehyun stopped when he realised he was already pressing Taeyong against his bed sheets, breath heavy, eyes still stinging from tears. He shifted away unsure about how he should proceed. It wasn’t right to be taking advantage of Taeyong like this. Not when he himself was vulnerable and weak and just trying to find someone, something, anything, to lift his burdens and ease his mind.

Taeyong was so very beautiful, so much so he could probably have anyone he wanted. But here he was, letting himself be used as a distraction to Jaehyun’s sad, bruised heart. Doyoung was right. It felt sacrilegious to taint him, especially like this; when it wasn’t just about sex. In the dark when there was still a storm outside, the thunder purred and the lightning threw shadows on the planes of his face.

 

So very beautiful.

 

“I shouldn’t be like this. I’m sorry.” Jaehyun sniffled and wiped his tear stained cheeks with his sleeve before shifting his weight off the younger.

 

“No, it’s fine.” Taeyong merely shook his head. His eyes were the brightest things in the dark, reflecting the dim light like crystal balls that could tell Jaehyun his future.

“But it’s not fine! You’re not some… hooker I can call when I feel like it. You’re a human being.” Jaehyun was shaking but he didn’t know why. There was a lump in his throat and a weight on his shoulders. Taeyong was unfazed, though this is a side of Jaehyun he never thought he’d see. He caressed his cheek with the lightest touch, it made Jaehyun shiver, not at the sensuality, but the intimacy.

“And so are you.” Taeyong said with conviction like what he was doing wasn’t wrong. Like it wasn’t dirty. Like it wasn’t debauched and selfish and wanton. He looked at Jaehyun with eyes like the moon, serene; reflecting whatever strength he still had in him. Taeyong was so beautiful, Jaehyun might cry if he looked too long. “I’m here as long as you need me.”

Taeyong let himself be pulled under by the warmth and the allure and the primal need to feel skin against skin. Jaehyun wanted this, craved this. The stumbling, the clumsy touches, the rushed kisses, it made him so very breathless.

 

Jaehyun was still the fire.

But this time, Taeyong burned.

 

His fingertips burned every inch of Taeyong. And he didn’t mind. He didn’t mind the blind pain. It hurt so good. Jaehyun made him pant his name for the billionth time.

It was different this time, so much more emotional that Taeyong couldn’t tell the difference between high and low.

This was so wrong.

 

 

Jaehyun stopped believing in magic at the age of seven when his cousin had showed him how he hid a coin in a sleight-of-hand trick. He grew up to be a logical person who doubted the existence of god and only accepted cold, hard facts. He didn’t believe in all that frippery. But being with Taeyong was different. Being with Taeyong was believing in magic. Being with Taeyong certainly felt like magic, but he was scared how long the illusion would last. It made him even more worried. One moment it was just sex, their bodies reacting to one another. The next thing he knows was that he was feeling butterflies and all that other shit teenage girls would have felt.

It was ridiculous.

Lee Taeyong was fucking ridiculous.

 

After they were spent, they lay in bed for awhile, the moonlight washed over their faces. Taeyong expected the elder to fall asleep as soon as the deed was done but he remained awake, just staring at the ceiling as if he could see the stars beyond the plaster. Jaehyun waited for the ringing in his ears to stop and his heartbeat to steady before he spoke, still a little hitched, but a lot more steady than before.

“She was five. The little girl I couldn’t save tonight. She was just five.”

“You don’t have to force yourself to speak about it every time.” Taeyong shifted his naked body to look at him.

“The surgery failed midway and we couldn’t revive her pulse. She died in that cold heartless operating room instead of in the arms of her parents. I had to tell them that their little girl was dead. I’ve done it before, but it never changes. It’s always so hard. There’s always so much more than blood on my hands.”

There’s blood in my mind.

There’s red everywhere.

 

This is also red.

You are red.

All the alarms are going off.

 

“You shouldn’t blame yourself. You tried your best.”

“It’s my job. The feelings are… compulsory.”

 

“You know Taeil hyung wasn’t totally wrong to judge me at the start.” Taeyong said abruptly, trying to change the subject.

“What?”

“I hung out with the wrong crowd during high school. My parents were always fighting and I didn’t like to be at home and hear all the screaming so I sneaked out a lot. Sometimes, I would sleep at Ten’s. Other times, I would hang outside, just misguidedly letting out my frustrations in the form of graffiti, fire flares and messing about.”

“So you really were the classic vagabond hoodlum?”

“I prefer the term charming rapscallion. I just followed shitty people who did shitty things. I got clean after awhile.”

I got clean because my mother left, Taeyong didn’t say.

 

 

”When? Because I certainly don’t think SNU accepts hooligans into their prestigious law school.”

“True. I changed my ways last year of high school.”

“And you still managed to get into SNU? Impressive.”

“Miracles do happen.” Taeyong laughed and the night is no longer stark black. It is something silkier, like indigo or violet.

“God must have accidentally made a miracle when you were born. I’m jealous.”

“You’re smart and good looking. Why are you complaining?” Taeyong nudged his arm. Jaehyun tugged him closer, and settled in the crook of his neck.

“I admit I’m secretly handsome. But I actually worked my ass off in high school. And you really are handsome. Are you human? I have serious doubts about it.”

“Maybe I’m ET. And you are handsome, that’s not a secret.”

“Not in the obvious way you are.” Jaehyun insisted.

“I never thought of my looks as a blessing.”

They were a curse, because Jaehyun sure as hell could not stop staring.

 

“Are you sleepy yet?”

“You smell nice. It’s making me sleepy.”

“Good.” Taeyong sighed. He doesn’t think he can control his heart from leaping out of his chest.

 

“What are you thinking of?” Jaehyun asked.

“Stuff… nothing in particular. I’m wondering what to have for breakfast.”

 

Not you. I’m not having you for breakfast.

Nope. Nope. Nope.

Didn’t even cross my mind.

 

“I’m offended.” Jaehyun chuckled and nestled even closer. Oh dear god. Taeyong is fucking starving. Maybe they should have breakfast in bed instead. “A secretly handsome naked guy is snuggling next to you and you think of food?”

“I didn’t even say that I don’t think of you. Just you know… priorities.” Taeyong defended himself.

“Priorities.” Jaehyun laughed into his skin. Holy fuck that felt good. He prayed his body doesn’t react. “I have those too. Priorities. Which is why I should probably sleep now.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight Taeyong. Thank you.”

 

Thank you for the mindless sex.

Thank you for the comfort.

Thank you for entering my chaotic life.

 

It didn’t need to be said out loud, Taeyong understood.

 

He waited for the elder’s breathing to become constant before he pulled away slightly to stare at him. This wasn’t a habit or a fetish.

This was a downright obsession. Jaehyun’s face was his new obsession.

 

Taeyong knows how this will end.


	6. Six

It shouldn’t have been a surprise when Taeyong woke up in an empty bed. But this time, he was so out of it he didn’t even sense the other slip away in his sleep. He must have been tired. There wasn’t even any lingering of his cologne or warmth, it was just cold and that was such a pity. Taeyong had wanted to, just for once, to bask in Jaehyun’s opulence in the morning glow. It was a flight of fancy really, a selfish wish he harboured.

There was a note on the bedside table, of Jaehyun apologising for having to leave for work and thanking him for last night. Last night they had talked about food… and just the memory made his stomach growl. They both had skipped dinner. Taeyong had a hunch that the doctor, in his heedless quest to attend to his every commitment, would totally disregard his own needs. If anything, last night cemented that fact. He was sure Jaehyun had probably skipped breakfast as well.

He headed to the kitchen with plans in mind, stomach still growling.

 

 

It is almost midday when Seulgi knocked on his office door whilst he was going through some reports with two of his trainees, Jeno and Jaemin, who were bright young students that were diligent and hardworking. Sometimes a little too much in his opinion.

They reminded him of himself, before the system wore him down and Hansol’s death ruined him; they were blindly optimistic and innocently naïve. Perfect fresh kill.

“Doctor?”

“Yes, Nurse Kang?” He didn’t even look up which ticked Seulgi off, but then again she was used to him being a prick at this time of the day.

“There’s someone here to see you.”

“I thought you said I have no more appointments? Is it a walk in case?”

“No… it’s not a patient.”

“What?” He gazed up to her with a frown. “I don’t understand.”

“Um… it’s Taeyong.” Jaehyun visibly stiffened at the mention of his flat mate.

“Jeno here wanted me to check up on a patient at Ward fourteen for symptoms of-“

“I can do it! Leave it to me Jae- Dr. Jaehyun.” Seulgi corrected herself, grinned and then tugged at the two young interns who seem dazed at her excitability. “Come on, boys!” She dragged them out by their collars before Jaehyun could even protest. Ten seconds later, there was a knock on his door.

 

“Come in.”

“Hyung?” Taeyong poked his head inside cutely before entering.

“Hey… Can I help you with something?”

“I’m sorry if I’m bothering you.”

“You’re not.” Jaehyun motioned him to take a seat. His table was piled high with reports and other things he had to finish and it must have been really messy because Jaehyun swore he saw Taeyong’s eyes glance around in distress.

“Actually… I made you lunch. I don’t have class today and since we both didn’t eat dinner… and I assumed you didn’t eat breakfast as well. Knowing you.” Jaehyun blushed unconsciously as Taeyong rubbed the back of his neck shyly. He was right. The doctor didn’t really think of taking care of himself.

And truth be told, he was absolutely fucking famished.

 

Heck, he doesn’t even do ‘lunch’. ‘Lunch time’ was usually a thirty minute break to either go to the lavatory or speak with his interns about their concerns. If he was lucky, there would be no patients to see and the support staff would pass him a cup of coffee.

“You made me… lunch?” He sounded too surprised; he couldn’t even pass it off as a normal reaction.

“Yeah… should I have not?” Taeyong asked unsurely, putting the plastic bag on his desk and a carrier with four Americanos. One Two Three... Four.

 

“No no… it’s just strange. No one’s ever made me lunch. I don’t think I even eat lunch on work days…” He stared blankly at the plastic bag, still in shock. You would think he had won the lottery or something.

“You should eat more, hyung. You must be starving. And I made some for Seulgi and Irene noona and even Taeil hyung.” That explained why there was four of everything. Four.

“Please don’t call them that. They’ll start inviting you to go clubbing or even worse… karaoke-ing. Dear god.” Jaehyun cringed inside. “You didn’t have to go to the trouble of bringing me lunch. And making those idiots lunch as well. I’m sure they’ll be overjoyed. And pretty damned spoiled as well.”

“Priorities. I have those too.” Taeyong responded with a small smile.

 

Jaehyun was someone’s priority now apparently.

 

The corner of his eyes crinkled and Jaehyun could kiss him right there and then. But Taeyong didn’t belong here in his white office, closed up by four walls where everything was impersonalised and sterilised. Taeyong doesn’t belong in this part of Jaehyun’s life.

He might break.

And Taeyong will see him for the misanthrope he was.

 

“My shift starts in a few… so if you’ll excuse me-“

“Shall I walk you to the lobby?” Taeyong gave him an amused but apologetic grin.

“I can get myself to the lobby, hyung. Besides, you should use your break to eat and rest. Send my regards to everyone else. I’ll see you at dinner.” He shuffled awkwardly back to the door.

“Thank you for the food. It was really nice of you. See you at home.”

 

Home home home.

He shivered.

 

Who is this considerate in real life anyway? Lee Taeyong must be an angel. How did such an angel end up in his office?

 

When Taeyong had left, Jaehyun stared at the plastic bag for five minutes, just wondering how the hell he could feel so loved in one moment. This wasn’t even sex. It was food.

This was dangerous territory.

Like life seen through instagram filters or rose coloured lenses like that French song- it was just too good to be true.

 

He shook the thought off and grabbed the coffee and plastic bag and marched up to the doctor’s mess. Taeil and Irene were sharing a bag of stale vinegar chips and Seulgi entered right behind him having finally shaken his trainees off. He placed the plastic bag and coffee in the centre of the table just as Seulgi took a seat next to Irene. Jaehyun pulled the chair next to Taeil and plopped down, taking one Americano for himself.

“What’s this? You bought us food?” Irene pulled away the plastic bag revealing four identical Tupperware containers.

“Heol.” Seulgi gasped.

“Taeyong brought us lunch.” Jaehyun announced ceremoniously to the dimwits he called friends.

“Double heol!”

“Did you ask him to?” Taeil nudged him. He was still chewing on the inedible chips.

“Nope. We didn’t eat dinner last night cause… reasons.” He coughed, ignoring the flush creeping onto his skin. He took out a container and was pleasantly surprised to find a packed lunch of herb pasta and parboiled broccoli, baked potatoes with cheddar and steamed mackerel in a fragrant mushroom sauce. Leave it to Taeyong to make a healthy lunch for the most unhealthy bunch of doctors ever. “So he brought me lunch because he was worried.”

“Damn, he even baked cookies.” Taeil pulled out a brown bag filled with freshly baked butterscotch white chocolate chip cookies.

That was just crossing the line. Not just food. But comfort food.

“If you don’t marry him, Jung Jaehyun, I will.” Seulgi turned to him with all seriousness. Taeil had already began to eat his pasta and nodded earnestly.

“This is good food.” He confirmed.

“We should invite him to go bowling!” Seulgi suggested.

“Or karaoke!”

“No. Absolutely not.” Jaehyun shook his head decisively. “The last time you guys went all out on a night out, Doyoung slept in the middle of Hangang Park and Seulgi vomited in the river.” He reminded them.

 

 

“You think I can borrow Taeyong?” Irene suddenly asked when they were all munching on Taeyong’s cookies and drinking coffee.

“He’s not a library book.” Jaehyun frowned.

“I need someone to take home and parade to my parents so they can stop it with the matchmaking dates and the nagging and the when-are-you-gonna-give-me-grandchildren? talk.”

“Taeyong’s not a handbag either.”

“Pfft, you kidding? He’s totally arm candy material.” Seulgi corrected him.

“Exactly, so even if I told them we broke up, at least I managed to get to that level.”

“Sorry to break it to you, but you’re not at that level, unnie.”

 

“Hey, I’m free you know? Why don’t you flaunt me?” Taeil was offended he wasn’t asked, causing Seulgi and Irene to burst into laughter and wipe fake tears from the corner of their eyes.

“That’s funny, Taeil.” They said simultaneously.

“Don’t be dumb. Jaehyun’s going to get jealous if you ask Taeyong. And you are old, unnie. You really should think about getting married.”

“Shut up.”

Jaehyun blinked before opening his mouth to dissent.

 

“I am not jealous.” He stressed the words.

“Yeah… we all know what your ‘reasons’ are for not having dinner last night. How many nights have you not have dinner with Taeyong?” Seulgi gave him a doubtful look and then wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“Nurse Seulgi!” Irene and Taeil had the decency to at least act like they were scandalized. Jaehyun could not hide his blush at this point, he could feel the heat radiating off him.

“I’m not jealous!”

“And Taeil’s not gay for Doyoung.”

“It’s times like this that makes me insist on the title, Dr.” Taeil sighed wistfully.

“I’m never letting Taeyong come to the hospital again.” Jaehyun declared as he gathered up the Tupperware and headed back to his office.

 

 

The next day, Jaehyun got half a day off, which was huge for him because he had the little things to do like pay taxes and phone bills and get his car washed and other things adults had to do. Usually, he would take the opportunity to do laundry but now that Taeyong did laundry so perfectly like everything else he did, to the extent that when Jaehyun tried to do it himself it just felt… lackluster. He got a call that afternoon from Taeyong which was somewhat strange at that time of day.

“Hyung, can I bring a friend over? I have stuff to work on.”

“Of course, you don’t have to ask me. It’s your place too, you know?”

“I’ll be back around the afternoon with someone.”

“Okay, see you.”

 

 

Jaehyun didn't know what to expect of Taeyong's friends. They would be young, no doubt about that. He had only heard about Ten, who from Taeyong's ramblings must either be a drug dealer or a ballerina; perhaps both. Apart from Ten who Jaehyun knew, his real name was Chitta… something… he had never heard of any other names and he didn't really ask either.

 

What he didn't expect however, was for his friend to be insanely handsome. Goddamn, was every law student of this generation a freaking super model now?

I'm sure Darwin didn't expect this when he published his theory of evolution in the Origin of Species. Was Taeyong rightfully considered his own species?

Jaehyun needs to hit his high school textbooks again because he’s pretty sure he missed this.

 

His friend was tall, taller than anyone he had ever met. He wore a bomber jacket too light for the weather and a hoodie beneath that, his hair was a ruddy brown, bangs falling over his forehead fashionably. There was a certain chic-ness to him, and Jaehyun could tell from his lilting accent to his relaxed manner that he wasn't raised in Korea.

“Hi. I’m Johnny. Nice to meet you Dr… Mr. Jaehyun… sir?” He started off unsurely before glancing at Taeyong for help but Jaehyun merely chuckled. So maybe he wasn’t all so ice cold chic after all.

“Jaehyun’s fine, hyung if you prefer.”

“What have you been doing today? We’re sorry to intrude on your day off.” Taeyong said but Jaehyun shushed him with a look.

“It’s your place too. So stop apologizing or else I’m really going to kick you out.” Jaehyun tutted, a small smug smile when Taeyong pouted.

“He does do that a lot, doesn’t he?” Johnny chimed in and Jaehyun liked this guy already.

 

“I was just catching up on the news and reading some new medical stuff.” Jaehyun gestured towards the dining table where his newspaper was left open and it was already stained from the tea he was drinking and one of his newer medical journals looked too thick to be readable was splayed over a report.

“Do you mind if me and Johnny use the coffee table? We have to prepare for a moot.”

“A what?” He thought he misheard.

“A Moooooot” Johnny exaggerated which made Taeyong to playfully hit him. Jaehyun’s eyes flickered to their banter.

“Stop it. You sound like a cow.”

 

“It’s like a debate and public speaking combined. There’s a problem and depending on which side we get, we try to justify why our side was right. It’s all very ceremonial and more formal than debate though.” Johnny tried his best to explain, sometimes sticking English words in the middle.

“Huh… so like in a mock court?”

“Yup.” The two law students confirmed.

 

“You’re not from around here are you, Johnny? America?” Jaehyun asked in perfect English.

“Born and raised in Chicago.” He affirmed with mischievous smile and his American accent coming out in full force.

“Ah… nice city.”

“You?”

“I lived in Conneticut for four years.”

“Cut the English you two. I understand zilch.” Taeyong whined, and pouted even more. Which made them chuckle.

“Make yourself at home, Johnny. I’ll make some drinks for you two.” He left them and headed to the kitchen. He knew for sure that there would be ice cubes because Taeyong makes them immediately after they finish. He managed to find a few lemons and some syrupy cordial that eventually make a very nice fruity concoction. Taeyong came in to take the tray.

 

“I didn’t know you lived in America.” Jaehyun knew that voice, it was his half-intrigued and half-reserved voice because they weren’t exclusive and this… whatever this was… was not crystal clear. Taeyong just didn’t want to be the jealous boyfriend when he wasn’t even the boyfriend.

“It was so long ago. My English is not even that good anymore.” Jaehyun shrugged, acting nonchalantly.

“Oh… I lived in America for four years. That’s why I’m so freaking perfect and amazing… and that’s why I’m here man!” Taeyong imitated Jaehyun’s accent with a face, which quickly diffused the taut atmosphere. The elder let out a sigh of relief before shoving him out the door whilst laughing.

“Get out. That is not why I’m here.”

 

I’m here because you are.

 

Taeyong and Johnny settled around the coffee table, where they spread their papers and books. Taeyong went through essays in a frenzied state, neon yellow highlighter steady in his hands. Johnny was more talkative, speaking as he scanned materials and watched videos online for reference. They seemed like a fitting pair, making up each other’s flaws; whilst Taeyong was attentive to every detail of the case and knew his law inside out, Johnny’s words were a superfluous waterfall of rhetoric, almost downright eager for the sound of the judge’s gavel to hit the sound block. Jaehyun caught snippets of their esoteric discussion.

 

“We’re going to be the on the appellant’s side right?” Taeyong asked Johnny.

“It’s not confirmed, we might be asked to represent the appellee as well.”

“So we have to cover both sides of the argument?”

“And prepare for at least two or three extra submissions.”

“Ugh…” Taeyong groaned and tipped his head back.

 

“Relax… We still have a week.”

“A week, Johnny! A week! Most people prepare a month before a moot.” He was being frantic now and Jaehyun almost looked up from his papers.

“I’ve known people who lost despite being given all the time in the world. It really doesn’t matter. As long as we know our shit and research the case extensively, present it well and answer all the questions satisfyingly, we’ll win. No biggie.” Johnny tried to assure him but Taeyong was being dramatic as always.

“No biggie.” He made a face again and that time, even Jaehyun almost laughed at his facial expression. He had a talent for contorting his facial muscles into the most entertaining visage.

“Oh, come on TY. You’re the top student in the batch. And I’m the best speaker in the entire school. We make a great team. Plus with our killer visuals, I’m sure the bench would totally fall for our… charming good looks.” Johnny deepened his voice for a comical effect and looked off into the distance like he was in a holiday commercial.

“I don’t think his honour would care about how hot you look in a suit in actual court, Seo Youngho.” Taeyong replied sarcastically and snapped him back into reality.

 

“That reminds me, you have a suit right?”

“Ah… I forgot. My suit needs some adjustments; the last time I wore it was too short for my legs.” Taeyong recalled his funeral suit which needed a bit of refitting, but it was still fine. Hopefully his hands were skilled enough to handle that.

“It’s fine, we still have a week. Should we start finalising the submissions now?”

“With citations?” Taeyong asked.

“With citations.” Johnny nodded, pulling out another thick ass book from his bag. There was much to be done.

Jaehyun stored that tidbit of information for later. He went to the kitchen in thoughts of making a light snack for the two students who were so engrossed in their assignment that they didn’t realise it was almost dinner time. After rummaging for food in the cabinets and the fridge, Jaehyun concluded that they needed to go grocery shopping as soon as possible, and also they should order pizza.

“Do you guys mind pizza?” Jaehyun hollered from the kitchen.

“Pizza’s good, hyung!” Johnny replied enthusiastically and Jaehyun can tell the boy was already comfortable around him. It was probably the foreigner thing but Jaehyun doesn’t mind. It makes him feel like he was younger.

“Just don’t do any weird toppings like… pineapple…” Taeyong said which triggered a debate between the two boys about pizza toppings and the best type of crust. He finished ordering the pizza before his phone rang once again.

 

“Hello?”

“So a little bird told me you've already found my replacement.” Doyoung said slyly on the other line.

“You're the one that moved out. Don't get all offended.” Jaehyun scoffed.

“Awww… I can tell you miss me, Jae.” Doyoung simpered.

“Not really…”

“I also heard… that it's a certain someone that's… handsome and young. And innocent. That little bird also mentioned how you were the one that actually offered to house him.”

“Who told you? Irene or Seulgi?” Jaehyun hissed at the surgeon.

“Taeil told me.” It was always the quiet ones. Jaehyun was kind of taken aback but since they were a thing… wait… didn’t they fight about churros or something insignificant the other day?

 

“No way! Are you guys on again?” He asked in disbelief.

“No. He told me in the group chat.”

“What group chat? Why don't I know anything? ” Was he missing things now?

“We have a group chat to gossip about your love life. Its exclusive members are me, Taeil, Irene and some of the support staff. Seulgi is admin.” Doyoung said blasély, like he was talking about the weather.

“There's got to be something illegal and against my privacy and just plain nosy about that! I'm sort of flattered that you guys would dedicate an entire group chat about my love life. But who the fuck does that?” Jaehyun whisper-shouted, teeth gritting against the phone.

“Us, obviously. Do you know how momentous this occasion is?”

“No… not really.”

“For once Jung Jaehyun, you are interested in a human being. Like an actual person. Not their pathogens or their blood type… or their anatomy.” Honestly, you would think Jaehyun was an antisocial hermit at the way Doyoung was describing him. But he wasn’t that extreme. At least he didn’t think so…

“Who says I'm not interested in Taeyong's anatomy!?”

Doyoung chuckled on the other line; his next words are in sotto voce, flighty, and capricious. He was probably smiling into the phone like a maniac.

 

“You're in love.”

“Love is merely chemical.” He dismissed.

“Don't start rapping the periodic table on me."

"Hey, Tom Lehrer's 'The Elements' is a classic!" Jaehyun protested again.

“Face it Jae, you're in love whether you like it or not.”Doyoung deadpanned.

“I'm not!”

“But you are. And me and Taeil are betting how long it will take for you to crack.”

“You guys are assholes. How long did it take for you and Taeil to crack?” He replied cynically, voice going lower so that the boys wouldn’t hear him seethe in anger.

“It's okay. I love you to even if you fall weak for a college bad boy. Does he chug Jack Daniels straight from the bottle whilst playing beer pong?” He added sarcastically.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Taeyong’s too hygienic to drink straight from the bottle.”

“Man, you’re in deep.” Doyoung sniggered. Jaehyun felt hot, he might have been flushed red but he was too embarrassed to check.

“At least add me into the group chat.” Jaehyun tried to negotiate diplomatically, standing straighter and pressed his back against the marble island.

“No. That would ruin the fun.”

“Really mature of you guys to do this to me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm happy I got to turn Jaehyun's famous 'I lived in America for four years. That's why I'm here man!' into a heart fluttering moment. The magnum opus of my work guys :')


	7. Seven

“We have to go grocery shopping.” Jaehyun said the next afternoon whilst stirring the last sugar cube into his tea.

“Now?” Taeyong asked.

“Well, it’s not every day I have free time to buy groceries like cereal and milk…”

“And eggs. We’ve run out of those.”

“You know specifically how I like my eggs; the shells a certain shade of off-white and the yolks as yellow as the sun.” Jaehyun said elaborately, a certain je ne sais quoi in his voice.

“Why do I have a feeling you’re mocking me?”

“Not mocking! Teasing.” Jaehyun smiled into his teacup.

 

They went grocery shopping at a different place than usual though Taeyong didn’t complain. Jaehyun had to pick a suit from his tailor’s for a charity event that Irene’s father was hosting, which he knew Irene still needed a date to. At one point, even Jaehyun himself had been her date once but then she got busted by her father after he drunkenly admitted his daughter had been scheming with the rest of the hospital staff to fool him. Irene didn’t speak to Jaehyun for months after that.

Taeyong was still unwittingly unsuspicious of his plans so it was pretty easy to lead him into the bespoke store, plastic bags and all. The store was still relatively new but Jaehyun had known the tailor for a long time, as Kim Seokjin, or tailor Jin as he was better known, had been his patient for ages. The little bell above the door tinkled as Jaehyun entered.

Jin was drawing patterns onto blue tweed. He had a pin cushion on his wrist and a measuring tape around his neck; as usual he was dressed in an immaculate suit, completed with a silk pocket square tucked into his breast pocket.

“Dr. Jaehyun.” He smiled, immediately dropping his tailor’s chalk and walking up to Jaehyun to clasp his hand good naturedly.

“It’s just Jaehyun, Jin.”

“Seokjin.” He corrected, eyes bright, chastising. Always looking for a reason to be formal.

“If you insist. This is my uh… my friend, Taeyong.”

“Nice to meet you, Mr. Seokjin?” Taeyong tested and tailor Jin replied in kind with a courteous smile.

 

“What can I help you both with tonight?”

“Well, I wanted to do a fitting for my suit and Taeyong here needs a suit…” Jaehyun said furtively, patting the younger’s back innocently.

“Me? I do?” Taeyong seemed bewildered by the turn of events.

“For the moot!” He nudged Seokjin conspiratorially. “He’s a law student at SNU.”

“Ah! Reminds me of my own college days… There weren’t many boys in my course but that had the girls tripping over their petticoats for me-”

“When was that? 1899?” Jin ignored Jaehyun’s jab about his old age and continued to babble.

“-especially since the roses I embroidered were so on F-L-E-E-K fleek.”

“Did he just say on fleek? Is that some new-world lingo?” Jaehyun whispered to Taeyong.

“It’s like-“

“Stupendously swanky!” Jin shouted before Taeyong could finish.

“I was going to say cool… but I guess that works.” Taeyong shrugged as Jin smiled proudly before leading Jaehyun into the fitting room at the back. He procured the suit jacket for Jaehyun and continued to make small adjustments and making the fit better.

“You have a ready to wear collection, right?”

“Of course.” Jin nodded whilst pinning the fabric at the gathering of the back of the suit.

“Find something for Taeyong, please. He might be stubborn but he’s submissive.”

“I bet.” Jin tried to stifle his small smile by putting pins in his mouth. Jaehyun stiffened but brushed it away.

“How’s your back by the way? You haven’t come to see me in awhile.”

“It’s much better. Thank you.” Jin pinned another part again, eyes on the fabric, but still twinkling mischievously, like the young boy he not-so-was. “How’s yours, Doctor?”

“Mine? It’s always been fine. Why do you ask?”

“No reason. It’s just the young people these days are just so much more energetic than we are… Sometimes, it’s so hard to keep up.” Jaehyun coughed; uncomfortable and hyperaware of Jin’s innuendos.

“All done.”

“Thank you, Seokjin.” He straightened and appraised his reflection. “This is fine.”

 

Jaehyun waited as Taeyong tried the suit that Jin had chosen for him.

“This is totally unnecessary, you know?” Taeyong called from the fitting room.

“Come out and I’ll decide what’s unnecessary.” Jaehyun smirked to himself, thanking the gods that Taeyong really was submissive.

Taeyong parted the curtains and stepped out in a white dress shirt with a navy single breasted jacket over it and tailored trousers that fitted him well. Seokjin was a wizard when it came to suits. Jaehyun’s smirked faltered into awe and he leaned forward attentively, looking at Taeyong with renewed interest. He forgot how incredibly handsome he was, maybe because he saw him every day now. It reminded him of the first time they met, after his father’s funeral, in mourning garb. And to have him standing in front of him right now, eyes avoiding eyes, cheeks flushed, biting down on his lower lip bashfully. It felt so instinctual that it was scary.

 

“Is it that bad? You’re staring and you haven’t said a word.” Taeyong asked nervously, eyes darting to Jin in search of assurance.

“I think he’s speechless, Taeyong-ssi.” Jin responded, fracturing the moment as he went about to adjust the jacket with more pins, that stupid knowing grin on his face; as if his suspicions were true. But Jaehyun didn’t pay attention to Seokjin. His eyes were on Taeyong.

 

“Just accept it as a gift.” He said softly, eyes even softer.

“Add it into my rent. I don’t need this.” Taeyong shook his head sternly.

“Preposterous, every young man needs a suit! And a good fitting one at that!” Jin tutted, eyes disapproving.

“God, Lee Taeyong. Would it kill you to accept these things?” Jaehyun rolled his eyes and brushed his hair back frustratingly.

“This is ridiculously expensive. And I don’t even need a new suit!”

“I’m buying it for my own pleasure.”

“That makes no sense.”

“I’ll buy it for me and you can borrow it. There… happy?” Jaehyun insisted firmly.

 

“Only if you let me buy you dinner tonight.” Taeyong relented to his capricious whims, too tired to argue after catching the unwavering fire in his eyes. Stubborn.

“Fine… if it makes you feel better. You can buy me breakfast, lunch, and dinner.”

“Let’s have sushi.” Taeyong thought of the most expensive meal he could think of.

“I want ramen.” Jaehyun, being the ass he was, juxtaposed Taeyong’s flamboyant idea to pay back his gratitude.

“Now you’re just being impossible hyung!” He groaned.

 

Their dinner was quiet because Taeyong was sulky he got a new suit he didn’t want. And Jaehyun was pouty because the other was being stubborn. They really did go to a ramen place but Jaehyun didn’t enjoy it as much because Taeyong was distant and unresponsive to his teasing like he always was. The drive back was even quieter and it wasn’t their usual comfortable silence, it was stifling, tense. Their silence stretched taut like a violin string wound too tight.

 

“Are you still mad?” Jaehyun asked as they stored away the last of the groceries.

“I’m not mad.” Taeyong sighed and closed the refrigerator door, back still turned to him.

“You’re too silent.”

“I’m just peeved.”

“Look, I’m sorry.” Jaehyun tried diplomatically.

“For what?” He asked with his voice raised, fraught, and confused. The moment is loaded like a magazine of bullets. Like too much had been played; virtuosity panning, violin strings snapping into a violent crescendo. Jaehyun blinked before hesitatingly opening his mouth.

“Many things.”

 

Taeyong had reached him first, with a startling kind of vengeance in his eyes and the set of his jaw. God, that jaw. He tugged at Jaehyun's belt loops and it drew him insane, those soft lips on his. Those eyes on him. Every second of attention and devotion lathered onto him like he was being worshipped. And then he tore away and Jaehyun made an ugly whining sound.

"You called me submissive." Taeyong panted; a dangerous glint in his eyes.

"Yeah so?"

"Twice." He reminded Jaehyun who was already on edge.

"Yeah, can we talk about this after?" He gripped Taeyong and drew him in again for another kiss but he pulled away. He smirked and Jaehyun's patience and self control was running thin like ice at that point.

"You're going to bed with that boner unless you say please."

"P-Please." Jaehyun blurted out, words broken, before flushing pink once he realised what he had said. He was begging. Jung Jaehyun was begging.

"Please what?" Taeyong played dumb, that smile still on his lips. Revenge felt sweet.

"Please fuck me into oblivion."

 

Jaehyun kind of likes this side of Taeyong. This dominant, try-hard, foolhardy boy who wore devil horns like a Halloween costume above his natural halo. And it was all very kaleidoscopic ecstasy, hedonistic and outright pleasure tripping now. He felt one beat closer to Taeyong. Maybe he wasn't the only one chasing fantasies and hopes and dreams that seemed too hollow to be real.

“You didn’t have to.” Taeyong said above him when they separated for gulps of air, already on his sheets, already naked. Jaehyun’s eyes crinkled at the question, his lips tugged into a coy smile. He reached up to brush his hair away from his face and placed his mouth ever so slightly next to his ear; their chests touching, their scents mingling into a dizzying perfume.

“You deserve pretty things too.” He whispered coquettishly before pulling away with a Cheshire cat grin. Taeyong puffed his cheeks and rolled his eyes before pulling him back into a kiss, with more bite, more languidly, like he was a sullen child who did not get what he wanted.

 

Taeyong fulfilled his every need, up to the point that his eyes were stinging from tears and his hands shook as he wiped the sweat off the younger's brow. They were making music in the night, with sighs and groans, violins screeching, cellos murmuring, trumpets blaring. The whole freaking orchestra! This was a type of symphony not even Beethoven, Bach or even music god Mozart could make. It was magic.

Jung Jaehyun was starting to believe in magic again.

It was usually him that fell asleep first. But Taeyong knocked out straight after, whispering incoherent words into his skin. For a moment, Jaehyun couldn’t think straight. He was just there, existing, in post-coital bliss, swimming in rainbow clouds. It took him at least fifteen minutes to calm the heck down because goddamn, that was just more than just a good fuck. Jaehyun knew Taeyong watched him in his sleep, but then again he didn't really have the energy to stare at the sun for that long. But he did. He stared at Taeyong as he slept.

 

Taeyong was the exactly the kind of thing Jaehyun had been taught to avoid. His parents' voice rang in his head.

 

Don’t slouch.

Don’t accept food from strangers.

Don’t do drugs.

Don’t fall in love.

 

But Taeyong doesn’t fall into any of the usual categories either. He wasn’t the bad boy stud, though he had the looks. He wasn’t the typical nerd though he had the brains. He was daring but only occasionally. He was quiet but never timid. He was kind of a fool; easily entertained by the most mundane things. He was cute, unconsciously so in his everyday mannerisms and reactions. He could be so extra sometimes. But he was also a fucking heathen god in bed. In conclusion, he was not human.

So Jaehyun doesn’t understand when he felt a lump in his throat when he looked at the young Adonis sleeping by his side. He was just too… too perfect. Everything from the high arch of his cheek bones to his lithe fingertips that had been pleasuring him, touching him, inside him; he was utterly hooked, line and sinker. Mesmerized. Whipped.

They could pretend it was about the goddamn suit.

 

 

Taeyong jolted awake in panic just as Jaehyun stepped into the room, fresh out of a shower, still rough toweling his damp hair.

“Morning.”

“Oh crap, what time is it?”

“Eight-ish?”

“Shit, I’m going to be late for class!” Taeyong threw away the covers but then hastily pulled them back and gripped them to his chest, looking down, blushing once he realised he was still nude. Jaehyun was no less, amused.

“Stop staring.” Jaehyun smiled lazily, becoming more entertained by the second by the shy, bashful boy.

“Here.” He chucked him the towel to cover up, like they didn’t see everything of each other’s last night. But Taeyong was shy. “Go shower quickly. I’ll drive you since you’re late.”

Jaehyun didn’t mind driving Taeyong, the awkwardness was gone and they talked normally as if they didn’t just have sex the night before. Taeyong put on Zion T and fixed his hair in the rear view mirror, wearing that badass leather jacket again which Jaehyun realised too late that he was starting to fetishize. Everything about him screamed delinquent bad boy, and last night had proven it. But the doctor cracked into a smile when he remembered the clumsy incident that morning.

He stopped by the side of the university gates, in the affluent epicentre of academic excellence. Taeyong sighed; relieved he wasn’t late after all. He got out and Jaehyun rolled the lower window down.

“Thanks, hyung. I actually have about sometime left to make it to class.”

“Wouldn’t want to ruin your unblemished attendance record, would we?”

“Go eat some breakfast, okay? Something healthy.” Taeyong suggested.

“You too. Grab something before class.”

“Will do.” Taeyong smiled and lit up the whole freaking campus. “Bye, Jaehyun. See you later.” He waved as he caught up with someone who had been waiting for him, presumably Ten judging from the petite frame and sharp features. He rolled the window up before driving away.

 

 

“Yo, Ten! How long have you been waiting there?” Ten was wearing a button down shirt with black jeans, true to his gentlemanly sense of style. His sunglasses were tipped dramatically to the edge off his nose as he stared at Jaehyuns’ departing sedan.

“That’s Dr. Jaehyun?” Ten asked, aghast.

“Yeah.”

“I’m suddenly feeling very very feverish. Maybe that’s an excuse to pay the doctor a visit.” Ten said flirtatiously before, linking arms with Taeyong to walk to class.

“Don’t be weird, Ten. You have a boyfriend.”

“Yeah and I’m kind of sad he met Dr. Jaehyun before I did.” He pouted.

“Stop it, you pervert.” Taeyong rolled his eyes.

“Heck, how do you live with that and not feel horny yourself?!”

“It’s called self-control. Something you should learn.”

“I don’t learn things I don’t need in life.” He smirked, before patting Taeyong’s cheeks in a condescending manner.

“We should get to class before you start a strip tease with the flagpole.” Ten let out a high-pitched chortle, eyes gleaming and laughing just as always.

“You dirty boy, Lee Taeyong!”

 

A week passed by in a blur, Taeyong was busy preparing for his big moot which meant late nights at the library with Johnny. Sometimes, Ten would join them but those sessions were sometimes unproductive because Johnny and him would sneak into the weird corners, wedged themselves in between towering bookshelves and make out, leaving Taeyong both disgusted in a happy way and downright sexually frustrated. Jaehyun’s schedule became tighter; sometimes he didn’t even come home, even though he wasn’t on call. Taeyong would worry if he was eating enough but he himself was stretched pretty far that week. They didn’t even crossed paths in the house anymore, Jaehyun would come back home in the dead of the night and when he was at home, Taeyong wasn’t there.

They hadn’t spoken of that night.

 

Then the day came of Taeyong’s big moot.

He was wearing that suit which he must admit, when he caught his reflection that morning in a glass panel, he himself was surprised. It was incredibly narcissistic but it certainly boosted his confidence to know he looked even more ridiculously sharp and good looking.

Johnny was giving him a pep talk and some last minute reminders before his phone buzzed. It was a good luck message from Jaehyun and it made him feel fuzzy and warm and all them good vibes because the doctor must have been hella busy. But at least he entered the mock court with a better sense of calm.

 

The first thing that Taeyong realised when he stepped into the apartment was the faint smell of cigarettes. It injected fear into his veins and for a moment he froze in the doorway, paralysed to the spot. But after a few moments, he regained some semblance of himself, letting the fear ebb into nervousness.

Your father is dead. So is your past. Taeyong told himself and he wished it was that simple. He wished he could see his past being sealed in a coffin and buried under layers of earth. His past can go burn in hell.

"Taeyong? I'm at the balcony." Jaehyun called out. Taeyong carefully walked to the patio. He was still in his suit from the earlier moot and the night was filled with the chorusing of cicadas "Hey... You're... early today."

"Yeah, I switched shift with a friend. Are you okay?" Jaehyun looked like he had just been caught doing something bad and he was sheepish about it. There was a cigarette dangling from his mouth haphazardly and he nursed a cloudy looking, presumably alcoholic beverage.

"Fine and dandy." He said sarcastically.

"Sit with me for awhile." Taeyong knew how this might end up and he had an essay to finish for tomorrow but he sat anyway in the adjacent deck chair.

"Did something happen?" He tried to prod gently.

"It's just been a long day." Jaehyun sighed and took one long drag.

 

"How was your day?"

"The moot went fine. They asked me to be on the school moot team with Johnny. Johnny said yes... but I said I'd think about it."

"Why?" Jaehyun asked in between puffs.

"Because I'm not like Johnny." He answered warily.

"Of course you're not like him. You're Lee Taeyong. Not Johnny."

"It’s just… I'm just not that… good enoug-" Jaehyun stubbed his cigarette a little too harshly; it threw whorls of sparks in the dark.

"Don’t fucking say it. Look kid, you're ridiculously smart and hardworking. Why do you doubt your abilities so much?" Jaehyun was angry.

"Because... I'm not that guy. I'm not that guy that sips lattes in hipster cafes or talk about myself like I’m the zenith of the century or have girls hanging on my arm. Well, not anymore."

"Yeah, I think we've established the fact that you're not into girls." He chuckled into his glass as he took a sip of God knows what.

 

"Did you ever feel like this?"

"Insecure? Of course. The first time I had to draw blood, my hands were shaking so bad that Taeil had to literally hold my hand to do it. But I made through it though and so will you. Listen to your doctor now. We know best." He said in a pseudo-intellectual way, a lopsided smile decorating his face.

"Says the guy smoking a cigarette and drinking a... a... I don't even know what this is." Taeyong wrinkled in distaste as he caught a whiff of the drink.

"It's vodka and milk."

"That sounds weird. And I've been to frat parties with Ten yet that still sounds weird."

"It's actually very nice." He insisted and downed his drink. There is a stretch of silence and Jaehyun suddenly feels bad for letting the younger see him like this. Shame. He’s ashamed of what he’s become. Taeyong shouldn’t have to sit through his sad speeches about how much he hates humanity and the whole universe.

 

"I only do this occasionally. Sometimes, the job wears at you and you'd rather not be conscious when the sadness and the melancholia and depression hits. Of course it is t-terribly unhealthy. But it's easier this way."

"That and sex?" There he goes again being too real. Jaehyun cannot tell if it was a personal blow because Taeyong was being emotionless. And he doesn’t know how to read this blunt Taeyong.

"Sex is good for everything. But I never... I didn't... you know..."

"No, I don't know." He raised an eyebrow and Jaehyun frowned as he tripped over his own words.

"There was never anything serious. I assume you would understand what my job entailed by now. Life is fleeting. So is the sex."

"Life is fleeting." Taeyong repeated, staring off into the sky. Jaehyun wanted to knock himself in the head with a hammer.

 

"That's why you should live a little." He tried to fix his stupid presumptions. Maybe he was drunk. Maybe he was being truthful.

Live a little.

Leave this old man who keeps using you. Find a nice honest young man who could feed you with wanderlust and blue skies and beaches and parties at Coachella. Someone you could jam to that EDM bull with and knew what the hell memes were. Don't stay trapped in these four walls with me.

Live a lot.

I'm never here for you. I never will be.

 

Taeyong took out an envelope from his suit pocket and placed it on the table between them, the distance too far for Jaehyun’s preference. He knew what it was and his assumptions were right as he peeked into the envelope. He regarded it for a moment. It would be insulting to Taeyong if he rejected the money. Jaehyun himself did say Taeyong should pay half the rent so he pocketed the money despite not wanting to.

“Arent you going to check?”

“I don’t need to.”

“If it’s not enough later-“

“It’s enough. I know it’s enough.” Jaehyun insisted and Taeyong stood from his seat. This was going up in smoke and he didn’t want to let go. He grappled for whatever embers that were left in that fire. He reached out and gripped Taeyong’s hand. “Can you sleep with me tonight?” He blurted out without thinking. But it was always like that. He didn’t think when it came to Taeyong.

“I actually have an essay to finish, hyung…” Jaehyun knew the hyung was on purpose.

“Not like- Not like that. I just want someone to sleep next to me tonight. Sometimes, it’s nice to have a warm body next to you.” He paused before standing up abruptly, embarrassed.” You know what? Forget I said that. I’m sure you’re busy.” He turned to go back inside.

“I don’t mind!” Taeyong caught his hand and Jaehyun spun around like he had been electrocuted. “I understand. But I’ll finish off some work first.”

“By all means, please do.”

 

Taeyong was confused at this point, but he remained silent nonetheless as he sunk into the mattress in his pyjamas next to Jaehyun. Maybe he could hang on to this for a little while more. They could always pretend that this meant nothing.

Jung Jaehyun you selfish bastard.

He closed his eyes and snuggled into Taeyong's warmth even further, finding asylum in their pretence.

 

Lay with me.

Lie with me.

We're good at this.


	8. Eight

They don't know how it came to be, like all the little nuances in that house that had become. But without asking Taeyong would slip next to him in bed at night, like a silent promise. Sometimes, they would talk until Jaehyun could no longer resist the weight of his eyelids. No sex. Just them; laughing over the stupidest of things.

That night, they were talking about Ten and his latest obsession to get a Nietzsche quote tattooed over his décolletage.

"What quote does he want to tattoo anyway?" Jaehyun guffawed, as he read the news on his phone, the blue fluorescence lighting his face, those large owl-ish reading glasses perched on the edge of his nose.

"One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star." Taeyong quoted perfectly because by then, he’s heard it a million times.

"It's very Ten."

"How would you even know? You've never even met him." Taeyong turned to face him on the bed, shifting the sheets.

"Well, from your stories I can already tell he's the descendent of Terpsichore and probably the scion of some organised crime Thai family."

"That's pretty accurate actually." He smiled and let out a soft chuckle.

 

"I've always wanted to get a tattoo when I was seventeen, just a tiny one, at my wrist or behind my ear. But you know I was aiming to be a medical student and that looks..." Jaehyun mused, putting down his phone to turn and face the other.

"Obscene?" Taeyong supplied.

"Yes."

"Do you still want to get one?"

"Maybe. I don't know."

"What would you get one of?" Taeyong asked and Jaehyun pondered for a long moment.

"Hmmm... your face on my bicep." He finally said and it made Taeyong look at him with full of doubt and amusement.

"You're totally joking, right?"

"Well, your face is as aesthetic as it gets so why not, right?"

"Now that's obscene! What if we're having sex and you wrap your hands around me and I see myself?" He hit Jaehyun on the chest playfully.

"That sounds like the rated remake of Inception." Jaehyun poked him back.

"With Di Caprio?"

"Who else?"

"Hmmm... Clooney?" Taeyong suggested out of the blue.

"Why does that sound like such a good concept?"

"Because it is!" They burst out laughing for a moment before Jaehyun turned to him again to ask in all seriousness. His eyes on the younger, dreamy, hopeful.

 

"What would you get?"

"A tattoo? Maybe a Nietzsche quote like Ten."

"Which one?"

"He who fights monsters might take care lest thereby becomes a monster. And if you-"

"And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you. I didn't take you for someone... poetic."

"Do you want to hear a confession?" Taeyong leaned in to whisper but it was more childlike than sensual.

"Enlighten me."

"I loved Romeo and Juliet."

"Which one? The 1968 one or Baz Lurhmann's version."

"Both but perhaps Lurhmann's more."

"Because of Di Caprio?"

"Because of Di Caprio." He affirmed. "But I do like the other versions as well. I mean everyone was obsessed with Olivia Hussey during the burgeoning spring of adolescent hormone season. But man... Leonard Whiting was just so hot."

"You want to hear my confession?" Jaehyun asked, removing his glasses and leaning in close until they were a breath’s away, a secretive smile on his face.

"Hit me." Taeyeong grinned.

"I had his picture on my wall for two years.”

 

 

"What's with the scented candles?" Jaehyun asked when he came in from work once and Taeyong was lighting candles that smelled of coconuts, incense and magnolias. He knew his room was boring and bare unlike Taeyong’s which at least had a few posters and a huge surreal-abstract painting from Ten.

"I don't know... Just felt like it." He shrugged.

"They smell nice. They smell like you."

"There's many of life's luxuries I didn't experience. It seems indulgent but really, it's the little things. Like sleeping in my own bed. Like sleeping peacefully. That's why I like sleeping with you...” He trailed off as he stared into the flickering flame.

"Was it bad?" Jaehyun asked as he loosened his tie.

"Hmm?"

"The insomnia, was it bad?" Taeyong has never told him but he suspected it was that.

"Yeah, that's why I sometimes still can't sleep even now. It gives me time to study though. I can't complain."

"Is it better now?”

"Yes, a lot. Thanks."

 

Jaehyun doesn’t think he deserved that thanks but he smiled anyway for Taeyong. Because it was Taeyong.

 

"I'm glad."

 

 

Jaehyun knew how sporadic Taeyong's sleeping pattern was. He would wait for the elder to fall asleep and then, he would lay there awake, and he would turn the bedside light on and read a book, usually history. Sometimes, Jaehyun would regain consciousness if only for a minute and he would hear Taeyong whispering names and dates like a mantra.

He had to wake up for work that morning; the younger would be fast asleep, innocent faced, his book in his hand, like it was something precious.

Taeyong was precious.

He would put away the book and linger just for a minute in the dark and his hand would flutter up to brush Taeyong’s hair away from his forehead and peck him slightly, just slightly at the side of his face. Taeyong would never know. He didn't have to. And Jaehyun preferred it that way- that whatever he felt be kept unknown.

Even to himself.

 

 

"So you've been sleeping with him? Like sleeping as in without the sex?" Johnny asked during lunch time when they were sat around a table in the cafeteria. Him and Ten had stopped making kissy faces at each other because they had heard Taeyong casually mention about sleeping with his flat mate like it was the most normal thing in the world.

"Without the sex? That's possible?" Ten guffawed and Johnny hit him lightly.

"Stop it you." He cooed.

"I'm sorry but this is serious. Are you guys in a relationship?" Ten leaned in to whisper to his best friend.

"No..."

"So, is it a friends with benefits kind of thing?"

"Perhaps." Taeyong shrugged. And Johnny and Ten shared a look of concern.

"You don't really know, do you?”

"Do you love him?"

"I don't know if it's love. Being with him... is just... like being home, you know? It's kinda like being with you, Ten. But not that way. More intense and heart fluttering." Taeyong struggled to explain the feeling exactly.

"Johnny Seo, our child's all grown up!” Ten’s smile spread into a foolish grin.

“I’m your husband now?”

"Of course. You’re the only one."

"Are you kidding me? You know how many flings Ten's had? He has more ex's than Taylor Swift!" Taeyong said sceptically and Ten glared at him with a pout.

"That's an exaggeration."

"Is it?”

"The point is... it's not about me. It's about you and I'm happy for you, I am. But how am I supposed to sit and watch you like this? Does Dr. Jaehyun even care?" Ten asked, voice slightly raised, his protective side coming out. But Johnny put a hand on his thigh to calm him down and diffuse the situation.

"What Ten means is that we don't want to see you hurt." He explained gently, eyes looking at Taeyong for understanding.

Taeyong nodded, he understood their worry. But part of him knew very well that he was hurting.

 

 

“Why did you want to become a doctor?”

“My answer will sound really really cliché though.”

“I don’t mind.”

“I’ll be honest. At first, I didn’t really care about what I did. It was what my parents wanted and I needed to pay my own bills. I just didn’t really care. That sounds really self-centered, doesn’t it?”

“No. It sounds real.”

It sounds like you’re telling me the truth for once.

 

“But the more I got into it; all the suffering. Late nights. Bad coffee. There was a kind of beauty in the collectivism. How hard everyone worked. How much they suffered together. Laughing over the bad coffee. It just started to feel more like home than home did, so I began to enjoy it. I hated it at some moments. I still do sometimes...”

“Do you remember your patients?” Taeyong recalled the night Jaehyun was waiting for him and he cried.

“Not always. Some stay though, burnished into your memory. Sometimes they leave an impact, sometimes they don’t. It can be too much for some people. It was too much for my friend.”

Taeyong nodded, not prodding any further.

“Why did you pick law as your major?” Jaehyun asked. He’s never really thought about it, but he has always wondered why. Taeyong responded with a crooked smile before shutting his book and putting it to the side, an indication he wanted to sleep.

“I’ll tell you one day; when the time comes.” Jaehyun does not push for answers but he is left even more curious.

 

Jaehyun was looking for painkillers in the nurse’s stash. The stock in his own office had finished and he had a pounding headache and about seven more appointments to go through. When he finally managed to find a box, he sighed in relief. But just as he was about to go out of the medical stockroom, he heard voices that made him pause at the door.

“They said Dr. Moon is going to be Chief of Staff.”

“Heol. Does that mean Dr. Jung will take his position as the head of A&E?” The nurses gossiped outside the door and Jaehyun just couldn’t move from his spot after hearing his own name.

“People in the board like him a lot despite his young age. He’s a good doctor and he works hard. Dr. Moon favours him a lot I heard.”

“He is eligible but... Hey, did you hear?” The nurse said in a low voice and Jaehyun shuffled closer to the door, straining to hear.

“Hear what?”

“There are rumours that he got involved with a patient. Someone young. A student apparently.” He froze when he heard that, paralysed to the ground.

“He is handsome... But a student?”

 

“Yah! Don’t you two have anything else to do? There’s a patient in ward five that needs his sheets changed and another patient in ward eleven that requires a shot. What are you two sitting around being lazy for?”

“Yes, Nurse Kang!” He had never been so mollified to hear Seulgi’s voice. There is the pattering of feet before the door to the stockroom slides open with a bang and Jaehyun jumps back in surprise and yelps.

“Jae, what the hell? You scared me!”

“That makes two of us.”

 

“Are you okay? You look pale.” Seulgi peered at him in the dimly lit stockroom. But Jaehyun looked away, fiddling with the box of painkillers.

“Yeah. Just tired.”

“Do you want a cup of coffee or something?”

“No... No, it’s fine.”

“How’s Taeyong?” She asked and Jaehyun doesn’t know how to respond normally.

“H-He’s good. We’re good. Wait, no that’s wrong. No, there’s no we. It’s just me and him.” He corrected himself. Semantics.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Jae? You’re sweating bullets. Do you want to take a nap in the doctor’s mess for a bit? I can take care of your trainees. Is Taeyong sending you lunch?”

“Taeyong’s not obliged to do such thing.” He realises he had snapped a little too hard because he’s rarely seen Seulgi this taken aback. He tried to back pedal, realising he had let on more than he should. “Actually, some water would be nice.”

Seulgi sat him down in a quiet corner at the nurse’s desks where he downed two pills with half a bottle of water.

“You feeling better now?” Seulgi asked.

“Yeah. You’re right, maybe I’m just stressed and needed a break.”

“Why were you in the stockroom?”

“I needed some painkillers.”

“You could’ve just asked the staff to get you some if you’ve ran out.” She said, unconvinced.

“It isn’t for my patients. It’s for me.”

“Jae... You know self prescription is terribly reckless.”

“It’s nothing serious. I just had a headache.”

“Someone needs to visit his doctor...”

“I will, if it pleases you. But later.” He stood up, wanting to evade from her suspicions.

Taeyong called him later, whilst he was typing up a few reports and checking lab results. He took a moment before rejecting the call. He told himself that he was being professional. His heart told him otherwise.

His mind flitted to the nurses that gossiped today. It wasn't a huge deal, the nurses gossiped all the damn time. And he didn't want Taeyong to be worried about entering and leaving the hospital freely.

Or entering and leaving his bedroom freely.

 

 

It grated his very being. Maybe he was triggered by the nurses or maybe it was Taeyong himself but Jaehyun felt upset. Seulgi managed to convince the chief to let Jaehyun go home early because he looked like death. But Jaehyun didn’t go home because he didn’t want to face Taeyong. He couldn’t face Taeyong. So in his misery, he ended up going to a street vendor.

He wanted to drown himself in the alcohol. He’s on his umpteenth bottle of soju. By then, everything was swirling slightly. The green of the bottle, the orange and yellows of the lights, the vermillion of the stalls. The liquor slid down his throat and burned his insides. But it was a nice kind of burn, which pricked him with warmth and obscurity.

 

Doyoung unexpectedly answered his drunken call and Jaehyun is delighted to have someone to drag into his shit momentarily.

“Do-Doyounggg-iiee.” He slurred and he can imagine the surgeon shaking his head disapprovingly at him.

“How many bottles did you drink?”

“I don’t know. I lost count.” He admitted.

“I can’t pick you up. I’m on call. Can I ask Taeyong to do it?”

“Can everyone stop t-t-telling Taeyong to do things for me? He’s not my butler! He’s not my lover as well! He... he deserves so much better.” He hiccupped, eyes bleary. Suddenly, he felt too sober so he took another swing. “You people are crazy if you think I deserve anyone else but myself.”

“For goodness sake, Jae... Go home.”

 

 

He was half drunk and half sober by the time he stumbled back to his apartment. It wasn’t that late yet, just past midnight. He managed to drag his feet to the door, and fumbled with the lock before the door finally clicked open.

And waiting for him on the sofa like it was the most natural thing to do was Lee Taeyong.

“You okay, hyung?” He stood and Jaehyun tried to brush him off but his feet was heavy and he probably looked like a fucking mess.

“I can handle myself.” He tried to push Taeyong away but he failed because his feet were lead and he couldn’t will his body to coordinate properly anymore under the haze of alcohol.

“Hyung-“ Taeyong tried to steady him.

“I said I’m fine!” He retorted, icy and distant. Schooled, the younger kept his distance for a second, letting Jaehyun breathe and brush back his hair, frustrated.

“Hyung, I’m here.” He reached out but the elder merely stared.

 

Taeyong was unreal. And that scared Jaehyun. Jaehyun didn’t know unknown. He knew the safety of his plain bedroom with no Taeyong in it, of Chinese takeaways instead of piping hot home-cooked meals, of empty apartments and even emptier conversations. And Taeyong was pretty and nice like Faberge eggs and unicorns that only existed in fantasies.

Jaehyun’s heart felt like a museum. With too many knick-knacks and relics that he just couldn’t let go of yet. Everything was probably covered in dust and mummified and Taeyong was an old masters. Something that would have adorned Titian’s frescoes, something Boticelli would have painted and Michelangelo would have sculpted. He was fragile and young and so... so... breakable. He was too much for Jaehyun’s miniscule heart. And he knew that was the irrevocable truth. Because Taeyong deserved the world and his was too small.

Maybe he did love Taeyong.

It didn’t mean he was deserving of that reciprocation

 

 

For a second, Jaehyun felt angry.

This boy, who had potentially ruined his whole life by crashing into his world like a beautiful destructive asteroid, was now calmly standing there looking at him with those doe eyes innocently. He blinked up at Jaehyun, unsure to open his mouth or not. To let him blow over or not.

"Jaehyun, I'm here.” He assured him and it drove him mad, because he wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to invade his fortress of a heart.

It burned more than the alcohol or the anger ever did. Like fire consuming him. Like anguish and sadness and the whole fucking sea had washed over him.

He never thinks straight when it came to Taeyong.

 

Taeyong fliched when his back hit the cold wall. And Jaehyun was on him again. But it wasn’t like the first time because Jaehyun was being rough and uncaring, forcing him into a sloppy kiss; shoving his tongue into his mouth. Hands fisting in his hair. Hands everywhere. He couldn’t pretend that the reeking of alcohol didn’t alarm him. That it brought back tsunamis of black water memories. He couldn’t pretend that this wasn’t dirty. That this wasn’t wrong.

“Jaehyun, stop.” He gasped.

“Did you like being a whore at my beck and call?”

“Stop.” Taeyong was quivering like a leaf underneath him, hands shaking, tears pricking the back of his eyes.

In some forbidden corner of his mind, Taeyong remembered the sting of being slapped. He remembered scrunching his eyes in the ever darkness. He remembered sleeping in the biting cold. He remembered bracing for the hit that never came. He remembered being left by the mother he clung onto so desperately. He remembered the stench of the alcohol and the smell of cigarettes. What a childhood. What a life he had lived.

“Did you like being used?” Jaehyun whispered and he feels himself breaking all over again.

 

These are the hands that cannot touch.

This is the heart that cannot heal.

This is the monster who cannot love you.

 

"Do you know? That you mean nothing? That all of this means nothing?" He pulled back and seethed in quivering rage, eyes glassy. But Taeyong's response felt like a slap in the face, because he looks at Jaehyun with those eyes that are forlorn and calm and sad.

 

"I know."

 

It sucked the air out of his lungs and he stumbled back in shock, clutching for support, tripping over his feet. It took two words to make Jaehyun cry. And he wanted to take it all back. Because Taeyong knew. Because Taeyong knows. He’s always known. And that hurt him the most.

Jaehyun clutched his mouth, tears falling over his fingers as he shook his head. This was foolish. He had been so very foolish.

“I’m sorry. I wish I could apologise more. B-but I can’t even look at you. What have I done?” The question hung in the air as Taeyong slid down the wall, curling into a foetus, feeling like he had just been violated and mocked and lynched; like he had relived his nightmares tenfold.

“No. No. I can’t. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I’m a fucking mess like this. I can’t.” Jaehyun can’t comprehend. He couldn’t breathe. He ran for the door and left because he can’t even fucking look at Taeyong.

This wasn’t the way to rip band aids. This was cold-blooded murder. And Jaehyun had just left the crime scene like the coward he was with Taeyong’s blood on his hands.

 

 

Taeyong knew how this would end. He knew it from the start that he would be left in tears and broken hearted and betrayed. Just like always. And it sucked.

It sucked like hell.

 

Jaehyun was the fire.

And he had gotten burnt.


	9. Nine

Once upon a time, Taeyong fell in love with the moon. Maybe because it was the beacon of hope in his bleak existence. Sometimes, he would look at it from Ten’s bedroom window or when he laid on the dewy grass on a hot summer night. There was always a kind of coldness to the moon, like it was something meant to be revered from afar. And every night he would visit the moon, he would talk and pretend the moon was listening because there was no one else who could listen to him like that, raw and sweet and uncensored.

That was around the time when he read The Little Prince, and just like how the prince was devoted to his rose, Taeyong was devoted to his moon. It was a sort of a blind kind of love, merely superficial. But Jaehyun had looked so lovely and Taeyong had wanted to cling to every small beautiful thing he had left- roses and moons and doctors that had dimples. It felt like simpler times.

 

He shouldn’t have been so foolish.

He knew he shouldn’t have fallen in love with the moon, which had craters and holes like the rest of the universe, which only came out at night, which stole its light from the sun, which waxes and wanes as it pleases. But Taeyong was a child who was lonely and sad, who didn’t know better.

 

He fell in love with the moon.

Despite knowing very well that it had two faces.

 

 

“Jae! Jae!” Doyoung’s loud voice resounded through the cold apartment. He was banging on the door, overaught. Taeyong felt pretty dead but he blinked back the fairy dust and managed to skulk towards the door.

“Jae- Oh, Taeyong.” Doyoung flushed red at the door as he peered past him. “Is Jaehyun here?” He asked, peeking inside and he moved away to let the elder in.

“He left.” Taeyong deadpanned.

“What?” Doyoung sounded more alarmed than usual. Taeyong began to feel a twinge of culpability.

“He came back two nights ago and he left.”

“Oh dear… Did he say where he was going?”

“No…”

“This is troubling…” Doyoung began to pace, a frown etched onto his features

“What’s going on?” Taeyong asked.

“Well, he hasn’t reported to work and the Chief is pretty mad. Irene and Taeil is covering for him. And gosh, last time this happened was when Hansol-” He stopped himself and now even the younger felt worried.

“This has happened before?”

“Forget I said that.” Doyoung shook his head, dismissive, before he flipped his phone out and dialled someone. “Seulgi, it’s happening again. We need to find him now. I’ll check a few places. We’ll meet at the hospital.”

“What’s going on?”

“Jaehyun’s gone MIA which is very very dangerous… Why didn’t you tell anyone?” He sounded stressed but Taeyong has no answers for him. Because he hurt me. Because he left. But Taeyong can’t bring himself to say those words out loud.

“I didn’t think he was-“

“Self-destructive? Well, he is.” Doyoung snapped at him before taking a step back and breathing out heavily, trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry. I’m not really helping, am I? It’s just that… last time he did this, Hansol had just died. And he almost… he almost did the same.”

“And now he’s missing? What do you mean by the same?” Taeyong’s eyes widened at the news. I didn’t know Jae had tried...

“Did something happen between you two?” Doyoung’s eyes flickered to him, questioning, if not, slightly desperate.

“I can’t say.” He bit his lip.

“Well, whatever. I need to find him before he does something stupid.” Doyoung replied flippantly, passive-aggressively clenching and unclenching his fists like he couldn’t decide if he should hit Taeyong or not for being uncooperative.

“L-let me help.” Taeyong grabbed his jacket and stumbled out the door, trailing behind him. “What happened the last time? Where did you find him?” Doyoung’s reply is cold and tinged with a sadness he had never heard from the surgeon before as he moved swiftly.

“We found him at the Han River, past the railings, on the edge of the bridge.”

 

 

 

“What are you reading?” Jaehyun poked Hansol. They were still in their scrubs after a long day at the hospital. Hansol sat on his bed which was a meter away from his own in their small shared dorm.

“Don’t laugh… but it’s Nietzsche’s Beyond Good and Evil.”

“Why would I laugh?” Jaehyun asked whilst changing into his pyjamas.

“I don’t know… Don’t you think I look like a poser?” He shrugged half-heartedly and Jaehyun chuckled.

“Kinda… but you always do anyway, swaggering around with your stethoscope.”

“Yah! Is that how you treat your best friend?” He pushed Jaehyun off his bed.

“It’s exactly how I treat my best friend!” They spend the next minute just poking and playfully shoving each other, before they return to the lull of conversation. “Why are you reading this anyway?”

“Well… First, it was Psychology class homework. But it got pretty interesting so I decided to read another book.”

“That’s so unlike you.” Jaehyun shook his head in disbelief.

“I know right!”

“It must be deep.”

“It’s deeper than the Indian Ocean.” There was sarcasm there and a bit of good old Hansol style cynicism for all things too academic. This meant though he found it an engaging piece, it probably made no sense.

“You don’t understand a thing, do you?” Jaehyun leaned in to ask, a small, amused smile playing on his lips. Not surprised that his friend was indeed being a poser.

“No, absolutely not! Nietzsche writes as if he speaks and he speaks like a fifteen-year old on steroids with Lucy in the sky with diamonds. And I've read Rumi.” Hansol scoffed and dropped his book before plopping back onto his bed. “This is so tiring.”

“It is. But that’s okay. We’re in this together, right?” Jaehyun reached and extended his pinky finger. The other does the same, their fingers met and interlaced into something warm and tight, the feeling of invigorated friendship. Complete with all the soul-searching vibes of the Breakfast Club.

“Of course.” Hansol replied, eyes smiling. They try not to laugh too loudly that night whilst watching Grey’s Anatomy because it was too dramatised and the walls were too thin.

 

 

In his past, Taeyong was merely but a small boy that liked to arrange his colour pencils. He had gone through all of his colouring books. Every night, when his room would be locked and the shouting would start, the crystal vases would shatter, the bedsprings would squeak, Taeyong would arrange his colour pencils in the exact same order. Whilst grasping the pencils in his little fingers, he would try to ignore the voices; loud, and clear and sharp. His parents always said such mean things to each other. He would rearrange them to pass the time, into cool tones and warm hues and if he got bored, he would move on to other things; his clothes, his toys, the books on the shelf until their spines ascended up like stairs to the window, up to the heavens and he would sit there and bear it all and look at his precious moon. And he would pray. He would pray to anyone.

When he got older, he came to realise that no one was there to hear his prayers, let alone some figment of fatalistic human manifestation that presided over them in the sky would care about his misery. He also realised what was happening, sometimes his father would come home drunk and just pass out on the sofa. Sometimes they would lock Taeyong in his room until one of them remembered about his existence. Other times, he would be used like blunt ammunition in a meaningless war, his parents liked blowing hot air around as if he actually mattered. He didn’t like it when his name would repeat over in the fights. The little bubble of a world he had created would burst and he would push the pencils away and hug his pillow. He already felt worthless as it was.

“It’s all your fault he’s so quiet!”

“My fault? You never did anything for Taeyong!”

And moments like that would suck; because he would be pulled back into the reality of his shitty life.

 

At the point, when he began to hang out with the wrong people and sneaking out a lot, he tried to do something. His father had gotten worse, blatantly hitting his mother in front of him. The thing that grated him the most was that he didn’t hit him. And his mother didn’t say a single thing. And she pushed him away despite his begging. And his father continued his infidelities. He did not understand that kind of blind love. And blind pain. He did not understand why his mother stayed, because it certainly wasn’t for him.

“We could go. Anywhere. It would be fine. We could make it. I could support us both-” His words were cut off as his mother’s palm connected with his cheek. It stung. The pain of being slapped by his mother would never disappear.

“Don’t ever say things like that again.” She had hissed.

And he never did.

 

Maybe Taeyong never fully understood the pain of being abused. But he understood the pain of being abandoned.

When his mother finally left, she left no note or message or even a fucking heads up; goodbye, I’m leaving.

It felt severely similar to when Jaehyun walked out that door.

 

 

 

"They found him." Doyoung panted when he got off the phone and Jaehyun sighed in relief.

"Thank god. Hurry, let's meet him there." Jaehyun tugged him to the door.

"Jae... They found his body." Doyoung said blankly and stopped him.

"What?"

"He's dead, Jae."

"What? This is some joke, right? This is some huge elaborate hidden camera you guys orchestrated and he's going to jump out of the closet and surprise me. Right?" He smiled, amused, laughing nervously and looking around like he didn't believe Doyoung's words.

"Jae..."

"Jokes over, guys! Hansol, you better come out now." He paced about.

"Jae, he's gone." Doyoung’s voice took a grim turn and he couldn’t ignore it anymore.

"Don't say that! He's going to come out. He should come out. He would never leave me to face this hellhole alone." The smile slipped from his face, and he looked at Doyoung with shaky eyes.

"They found his body by the Han River."

"Hansol would never! He wouldn't leave me like this! He would've never left without saying goodbye. He's my friend! He's your friend! So don't fucking tell me that he's gone because he's not!" Jaehyun yelled, crumbling into a mess of tears and shouting his throat hoarse.

Doyoung pulled him into an embrace but Jaehyun kept fighting against him, angry tears streaking his face.

"I'm so sorry, Jae. I know he meant the world to you."

"No no! Hansol would never leave me! He would never do this. He would say goodbye..." Jaehyun felt something being ripped away from him. As a doctor, he faced death everyday, patients died every day. But this was different. This hurt on another level. He goes limp against Doyoung as he cried, straining to contain his grief.

 

Because Hansol never told him he was hurting. Hansol never frowned or cried or hint at his inner turmoil. The Hansol he knew read weird literature that normal people didn’t get. The Hansol he knew made terrible jokes and didn’t know how to operate a camera. They would spend their nights gawking at terrible dramas. Hansol smiled and waved and wished him goodbye every time they would part.

"I didn't even get to say goodbye."

 

 

 

“Hey, I checked everywhere I could think of.” Doyoung caught up with Seulgi at the entrance of the hospital. She looked haggard and the youth seemingly wiped away from her usual bright positive energy.

“Same. He’s not anywhere. Taeil’s going around Hangang but he hasn’t spotted anyone yet.

“This is insane.” Doyoung gritted.

“Who was the last to see him?”

“That would be Taeyong. But he’s not been exactly useful.” He bit back.

“Don’t mind him. He’s on edge.” She placed a soothing hand on his shoulder even though she herself was a quiet effervenscent wreck.

“If Jae... if Jae really is... there would be news about it. There would be something. But there’s been nothing.”

“Taeyong, you have to tell us what happened when he left. How was he? Was he upset?” Seulgi asked softly, but hurriedly, eyes begging him to speak.

“I-I can’t” Taeyong stuttered, unable to piece a complete sentence. He just couldn’t think.

“No. You won’t!” Doyoung flared, temper rising by the second as he eyed Taeyong in distrust.

“Doyoung, calm down! This is not the time for this.” She pushed Doyoung back so that Taeyong focused solely on her. Grasping his hand, she willed him to look at her. “Taeyong. Taeyong, look at me. You have to tell us what happened. Please.”

“He forced himself on me. He was drunk and I think he snapped out of it and then... and then he left.” Taeyong all but managed to eke it out in a small voice.

“Fucking hell, Jae.” Doyoung cursed. “Where else could he be? This makes no sense!”

“He must be somewhere...” Seulgi assured him, squeezing Taeyong’s hand. He thought deep and fast because god knows where Jaehyun might be.

God knew.

 

“I think I know where he might be.”

 

 

 

 

He who fights monsters might take care lest thereby becomes a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.

 

Jaehyun was staring into an abyss.

It was his own personal black hole.

Contrary to popular belief, it wasn’t that hard to become a monster, no radioactive spills, or spider bites or damnation by jealous gods. Jaehyun just had to look into a mirror to find that. His own abyss was clearer than day. He was a monster. And in his rage, he had destroyed the one thing he held dear.

Jaehyun can’t seem to shake him off. If he closed his eyes, Taeyong would be there under his eyelids; waiting for him. Haunting every waking and un-waking thought. Staring at him with those accusing eyes of hurt. That hurt.

 

“Hansol-ah, are you there? Have you gone? Or are you waiting?” Jaehyun asked softly, eyes closed.

No reply.

“I’m not sure if you know. But you probably know. You know everything. I hurt someone. Someone very precious.”

Silence.

“You would’ve liked him. He’s soft spoken like you and he’s so beautiful that it’s sad. He has the nicest hands and the kindest heart and I… and I hurt him, Hansol.”

Nothing.

“I t-think I love him. That doesn’t matter now. But he matters.” He let out a sigh, a lump building up in his throat. “Loving him matters. Yes, that’s it. I love him.” Jaehyun pried his eyes open and blinked back hot tears. He felt someone sat next to him and through his bleary eyes, he saw Taeyong.

“You’re here.”

 

Oh great, now he was seeing things.

 

“Yeah. Hello. I don’t deserve to even think of you and now I’m seeing you and I’m going insane. But it’s okay, you’re not really here.”

“But I am here Jae.” He said, sitting so close to him that their thighs bumped into each other. Jaeyun must be dreaming because Taeyong doesn’t look upon him in contempt or hate. He looked confused, but there was a tenderness there; like there always was in between their quiet nights. Jaehyun felt especially stupid when he blinked and blurted out the first thing that crossed his mind:-

“You’re not a ghost.”

“Well, I’m not dead.” Taeyong shrugged. Jaehyun couldn’t stop blinking.

“I wish I was dead.”

He’s not lying.

“You don’t mean that.”

“I never mean things.”

 

Jaehyun can’t keep his eyes anywhere relatively near Taeyong so he focused on the little niche nooks of the columbarium. Hansol’s in one of them and also Taeyong’s father. It felt paradoxical to be sitting like this where it all started. Perhaps their relationship was never meant to work out. It was easier to believe their relationship was tainted by death. They met at the most depressing of circumstances; it would only be fitting if it ended here; amongst the deceased.

Though he had promised himself to never visit his dead father, Taeyong made an exception. It felt somewhat ironic that their relationship was steeped in death and heartbreak from the start. But he was still worried, actually borderline terrified that Jaehyun would have pulled some stunt. But luckily, he did not. And seeing the elder like this, like the broken soul he was; Taeyong cannot bring himself to hate him.

“Ten told me about Van Gogh recently. He said that Van Gogh used to eat yellow paint, because he thought it would lift his spirits. There’s no correlation really to eating paint and finding happiness. People thought he was crazy but strangely, I got it. It’s like doing drugs or drinking alcohol. It doesn’t matter if it’s toxic because it feels good. Really, he should have just bought some champagne. I mean he did live in the middle of France.”

Jaehyun lets out a sigh that sounds like he’s about to laugh or to give up on life entirely, but Taeyong continued his little story time, unwavering, kind of rambling nonsensically.

“It sounded stupid and I thought Ten was just too addicted to Tumblr at that point. So I researched and turned out he didn’t really eat paint to find happiness. I mean... He did eat paint. But it was because he wanted to kill himself. Even with that tragic plot twist, I still got it. It reminded me of what you said, right here, a few months back: that it is better to be consumed by something you love rather than die at the hands of something you hate. And maybe that’s why I’m still here. Maybe that’s why I stayed all this time. Because you’re the yellow paint I’m not supposed to eat. And the doctor I’m not supposed to fuck. And you’re the moon that is so very painful to look at but I still do it every night. And it makes the longing even more poignant and even more tormenting.”

Jaehyun still can’t look at him because he doesn’t think he can handle all these magnanimous feelings in his miniature heart. He was trembling. The gap between them had become so fragile.

 

“Please look at me.” Taeyong whispered. His hand hovered over Jaehyun’s unsurely.

“Looking at you will make me cry.” He can’t speak as well.

“Then cry. Because I don’t want you to look away.” Taeyong touched his cheek and tilted his head to look at him, to really look at him. It all spilled forth like a chanson from Jaehyun’s lips, those words he held back for so long.

“I love you. I lied. About everything. I lied to everyone. I lied to you. I lied to myself the most because I was so afraid that someone would leave again. And I was afraid because I would never be enough. And I’m just...” He was crying by then, tears trekking trails down his pale cheek, over Taeyong’s fingers. But he says it again, with finality because Taeyong is kismet and hurricanes and this starry-eyed boy who deserved the truth.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

 

Taeyong broke into a smile and it is heart-wrenchingly beautiful and devastatingly melancholy all at once. Jaehyun could die like that. Being held like that.

It still hurt; to know that Taeyong knew all along. That he was content with how he treated him. He had stayed. Jaehyun really was the scum of the earth and he felt immense guilt over his disregard.

Because it was love.

And Taeyong knew that.

He had always known.

 

But Jaehyun had raged against it like he could topple skyscrapers and move mountains when he couldn’t even control his damn feelings. He had tried to defy the fabric of nature and the woven tapestries of fate and he had denied Taeyong of something real. Something that was already there. And he doesn’t deserve this kind of pure innocent love.

“I’m so sorry. I hurt you. You can leave. No, you should leave. Don’t let my mistakes hamper any-“

He did not get the chance to finish his sentence because Taeyong’s lips are on his, all velvety and supple and real. He did not hesitate to kiss back, still crying, still regretting. But he does not regret this. He grasped onto this.

Taeyong pressed Jaehyun’s hand to his chest, just above his heart and he smiled up to him. It was enchanting, leaving him gasping and warm to the tips of his toes.

“This. This is how much I want to share with you. Every heartbeat, every breath, every second, we only have so much. And I don’t care. I never did. Whether you returned my feelings or not, because being happy for a little while with you has always been enough. Being happy at the little moments is how I lived. It’s how I survived. Maybe that’s a sad way to live... but it’s the only way I know how to.”

“I’m so sorry. Please don’t ever leave.” Jaehyun tightly gripped him, sobbing into his chest; overcome with emotion.

“It didn’t matter if it hurt. Because I love you. Because it’s you.” Taeyong whispered into his hair, and he is crying now too.

“I’m so sorry.”

“I forgive you.”

“I wanted you so bad. But it didn’t feel right. Like I was undeserving and you had your whole life in front of you. And I wouldn’t be able to take it if you… if you left.” Jaehyun looked up to him like a small child and Taeyong brushed his tear-stained cheeks.

“To want is very very different from to have.”

“What about both? What if I want to have you? Does that make me selfish?” Jaehyun mumbled.

Taeyong’s smile that came next is blinding. Absolutely blinding. Like the rays of the sun setting outside the window in the horizon.

“Not at all. I quite like being wanted. And I’m quite willing to be yours.” He chuckled, shaking his head adorably.

 

And Taeyong is pulled into another kiss.

It was from that moment on that their lonely hearts awoke from the deep chill of unforgiving frost, passing by the edge of winter, before blooming into a riot of wild flowers, dawning into days of spring.

They remained there.

Intertwined.


	10. Ten

Dear Jaehyunnie,

If you’re reading this, then I’m gone.

This is the part where I should say sorry for being a shitty friend. And I am sorry for being a shitty friend. To be honest, you were the only thing left, but sometimes, one person can only love so deeply and live so fully. This is where I stopped because it hurts so bad. I can’t control it anymore.

I can’t pretend and I can’t let go.

I hope you don’t blame yourself. But I know you will, you stubborn git. Don’t be sad. Burn every memory of me. Try to forget. Just promise me you’ll try.

I love you.

 

 

Jaehyun had only read it once before. And then he had shoved it away somewhere dark in the recesses of his life. But he never really forgot. It hurt him even more, when Hansol had asked him to forget that easily, being told to forget like he could. Ironically, he never managed to forget. How could he?

When there were only memories left to be relived, never new ones to create.

Jaehyun never showed anyone that letter. Not the authorities that had interrogated him after or the hospital people or even their friends. It was his to keep a secret and his secret alone. He didn’t want to share it. He didn’t want to taint the pure memory of hands shaking, tears falling, nights with them whispering in the dark. He didn’t want other people to own the piece of Hansol that only he knew.

They found his body by the side of the Han River, with too many pills to pump out. It was too late. Jaehyun drowned himself in alcohol and when that didn’t work, he literally tried to drown himself by jumping off a bridge on the same river whilst being heavily intoxicated. Doyoung had stopped him and he had cried like a mess. A drunk, broken mess who had lost his friend and then wanted to lose himself too.

 

That was the letter Jaehyun let Taeyong read that night.

 

They were curled in bed, and there is a small gap between them because Jaehyun isn’t ready to touch Taeyong again without feeling bad. Jaehyun is still hesitant to touch him and Taeyong does not force him to. They just lay there all night, telling each other sad stories. It should have been like this. They wished it could have been like this from the start.

Taeyong told Jaehyun of his mother and his father and the shouting and the hitting and the drunken spells. For once, his words were superfluous.

“My father liked to drink. Sometimes too much. He was some big shot company guy. The typical rich handsome guy who threw money around and was constantly sleeping with his temp or some tramp. Hey, that rhymes.” Jaehyun smiled and held back his laugh before nudging him to continue.

“Don’t start rapping.”

 

“He liked to hit my mother who was helplessly in love with him. I don't know what was worse; the violence or the constant ploy. After the bursts of temper, he would pour honey into her ears and buy her extravagant things - large bouquets of roses or designer shoes and perfume. Everything. He bought me things too, you know. I didn't understand. But as I got older, I came to hate them. I felt bribed.”

“Understandably.”

 

“So yeah. It was this toxic relationship. And I was this cancerous by-product of that nuclear disaster.”

“Please don’t compare your existence to cancer. And you are not a by-product.” Jaehyun whispered and caressed his cheek.

“It felt that way, you know? They were so cold and heartless. And I was… nothing.”

“You are not nothing. You are everything. You are everything to me.”

“You know sometimes I would fall asleep through it. All the shouting and the bedsprings. Sometimes, I would be just so… emotionally drained and tired… I would fall asleep. I would wake up and feel like utter shit.”

“Is that why you have insomnia?”

“Yeah… I developed the worst sleeping habits ever. Sometimes I would just sleep for hours. Some nights, I couldn’t even sleep a wink. That’s why I developed the habit of organizing things as well.”

“What do you mean?”

“It was so loud sometimes, the screaming, the fighting. It hurt to hear constantly. I would organize anything I could get my hands on, my toys, colour pencils, the freaking shampoo bottles, everything. I memorised words from a dictionary so I could zone out. When I got old enough, I just sneaked out.”

“Is that when you got involved with the wrong people?”

“Yeah… there were better ways, I know. It can’t be helped.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“But this is.” His voice cracked but Taeyong brushed his hair softly, assuring him.

“We don’t have to live remembering our mistakes, Jae. How would we move on?”

“We don’t.” He shook his head.

“Well, we should. Both of us. I hated myself the most when I slept through it. God, how could I sleep through it? But I was just so tired. I slept in class and the teachers gave up on me. They told me I’d never make it.”

“Well, they were wrong.” Jaehyun huffed, and Taeyong smiled, something bright and easy came to his mind.

 

“I never explained to you about why I choose law.”

“Yeah... you told me you would tell me one day.”

“Well, this is gonna sound sappy but the reason I wanted to get into law was to help kids like me. People always say that child and family law is where the money is at and that’s true. But isn’t that sad?” Jaehyun turned to look at him but his eyes were focused on the ceiling, so sad and soft and honest.

“It is.” He answered finally. A little bit late.

“I don’t want it to be like that for other children. All those cold nights and empty fights. I wanted to study child law and protect the other miserable kids like me... I know. It sounds stupid and naive.”

“It doesn’t; not sappy, nor naive and far from stupid. It’s very noble of you. You have such a beautiful heart, Lee Taeyong. I’m sorry for being so careless with it.” Jaehyun sobbed into the crook of his neck.

“You don’t have to apologise.”

“I have many things to apologise for.”

“I’ve forgiven you a long time ago.” He leaned down and captured Jaehyun’s lips in a chaste kiss. It was a momentary bliss of peace and serene stillness. Them. This. Together.

Jaehyun doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve someone as angelic as Taeyong in his life. He must have been a saint in his past life. But he doesn’t complain now. Maybe he didn’t believe in God or magic or unicorns but he believed in them. He believed in this.

He could make this work.

 

Because he loves Taeyong.

And for all his flaws, Taeyong loves him too.

And that was all that mattered.

 

 

That morning, they woke up in each other’s arms with sleepy smiles and shy laughter. Taeyong buried his face into the elder’s chest, inhaling his scent, content with the morning he’s always wanted. With the person he’s always wanted.

Jaehyun vetoed against trap music and David Bowie. And Taeyong said no to Jaehyun’s sappy love songs and old school jazz. They settled on listening to chill indie music that had lyrics too deep to understand whilst they played with each other’s fingers.

“Mornings like this make my week.” Jaehyun hummed happily.

“Mornings like this make my whole year.”

“Oh yeah? Having you makes my whole life complete.”

“Stop it. I’ll start blushing.” Taeyong hit him playfully but the other pulled him even more closer.

“That’s the intent.”

“You think there would be fireworks and the rolling credits and the soundtrack playing in the background by now...”

“It’s not that complicated. We’re two people who love each other. It sounds difficult and daunting and scary. But it’s easy. Being with you is easy.”

“Even if we’re both a mess?” Jaehyun asked.

“Messes collide to create art. And these feelings? They’re beyond art.” They smile at each other and it ia all fluttery and sweet like cotton candy.

“I love you. I don’t know why it was so hard to say that out loud. But it feels right.”

“We’ll take care of each other, won’t we?” Taeyong presses his nose against Jaehyun’s cheek and the other nods, cupping his face like it was the most precious thing on earth. And they make a promise from that day forth.

“Always.”

 

 

It started with a polaroid.

Taeyong had stuck it there with no grand purpose. He had just wanted Jaehyun to see the picture of them stuck on the wall. And then one day, Jaehyun had taped a cheesy poem he had ripped out of a book. Over time, memorabilia accumulated on that space of the wall. Photos, articles, quotes, dried flowers, music sheets, overlapping over one another. There was even a vinyl record of Chet Baker hung on the wall, now dubbed ‘our wall’ in ‘our house’. Jaehyun was so excited he jumped on the sofa and squealed which hurt Taeyong's little OCD soul because he just washed the cushion covers. Then he blasted Mr. Brightside all day with the surround sound system. They had turned off the lights and raved, dancing terribly before collapsing into a fit of giggles. It was no longer a cold apartment that Jaehyun felt no attachment to. It was the place that he and Taeyong shared their little bubbles of unimportant details and even more mundane lives. But that was enough. It was their space. Our space.

Yes, apparently it was ‘our’ house now.

Then that afternoon, they both went to Itaewon to scour the flea markets to search for a record player and more vinyls. Jaehyun became like a kid in a Disneyland, picking out classical sonatas as well as musical soundtracks. Taeyong, who was neither a music snob nor a fan of jazz hands, simply watched the elder talk excitably about Phantom of the Opera. He's never seen Jaehyun this hyper and it’s pretty amusing.

They unearth a compact but still ancient phonograph and they take it home like a new beloved pet. Jaehyun is excitable when he sets it up in the living room, under their makeshift montage on the wall. The first song he played was something with a lot of sax and Taeyong felt like he’s vaguely heard this in some Woody Allen movie.

He does try to pinpoint but forgets when Jaehyun pulls him into a slow dance around the living room.

Taeyong doesn’t really care about music that played in the background, because it is all majestic silence when he’s with Jaehyun.

There’s not much he can focus on when they’re together.

 

 

One day, Taeyong came back from class and was surprised to hear what sounded like drilling in the house. The noise originated from the kitchen and the place was so dusty that his hands were itching for a wet cloth and some Febreeze when he got there and dear lord, Jaehyun was standing on the island with a power drill in his hands.

“Jae, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Oh… you’re early.” He smiled blasely like it was a normal day. Which it clearly wasn’t.

“Yeah and you’re messing up the kitchen. Are you installing new lights? You suck at these things. Why didn’t you get a professional to do this?”

“I am a professional.” Jaehyun insisted and Taeyong gave him an ‘oh really?’ look.

“Yeah, at drug distribution. Not… house construction…” He gestured to the rubble around the kitchen. “Why the hell do we need spotlights in the kitchen anyway?”

“Because… think of how lovely you’d look cooking and entertaining friends.” Taeyong is kind of confused at this point.

“What friends? You only ever talk to Taeil, Doyoung, Irene or Seulgi and I only have Ten and Johnny. We aren’t exactly the most social couple.”

“Don’t ruin my fun. We will have parties.”

“What ever for?” Taeyong sighed at this ridiculousness.

“How else am I going to flaunt about our beautiful relationship and our beautiful lifestyle?”

“Dude, you’re a doctor and I’m a student. This isn’t Scrubs meets Keeping up with the Kardashians.”

“When you put it like that...”

“You’re supposed to be the older one in this relationship. What next? Plastic pink flamingos on the balcony and piñatas in the bathroom?”

“That’s so instagram worthy.”

“Please don’t say cringey stuff like that.” Taeyong groaned and inwardly face-palmed himself. Jaehyun was getting infected.

“It’s my house!”

“Well, it would be half my house if you’d let me pay the goddamn rent.”

“You don’t work anymore.”

“And whose fucking fault is that?”

Last month, Jaehyun had make a big fuss about Taeyong working two jobs and staying up all night because he didn’t have time for cuddles and shit because he was studying that hardcore law syllabus. He was pretty much living on Aderall and coffee which sounded like a bad combination. He pretty much riled the younger up for a week to get him to drop one of his jobs. And he did. But he also didn’t talk to Jaehyun for two days.

 

“Let’s just pretend to be conventional and traditional and let the husband provide for the wife okay?”

“Wowowowow... Okay. One, we’re living in the twenty-first century and that’s a really outdated and misogynistic mindset." Jaehyun rolled his eyes. "And two, why am I the wife? We’re gay!” Taeyong sputtered, glaring, arms folded in slow burning rage.

“Because you’re submissive.” He grinned.

“Get out of my kitchen.”

 

They spend the next half an hour chasing each other around the living room until Jaehyun ran out of breath because he was old and Taeyong got less mad. And Jaehyun went back to finish drilling or whatever he was pretending to be good at.

“You know why I really wanted to put in the spotlights?”

“It wasn’t for entertainment?”

“Well, more for my entertainment. I was inspired.”

“By what Abba song?” Taeyong replied sarcastically.

“Funny. It was one of your songs actually. Something about disco balls as kitchen lights and wearing all black all day. That sounds hot. We should do that.”

“Those are two different songs. And please don’t tell me you’re planning on putting a disco ball in the kitchen...”

“Why not?”

“This is the part where I should call Seulgi noona and ask her if you’ve been getting high at work again.”

“I don’t do that... anymore.”

“Yeah. Who was that dickhead that said doctors weren’t drug dealers?”

“Yah, Lee Taeyong!”

 

 

The first people they really did entertain were actually Ten and Johnny. It was partly because Ten remained a sceptic of their relationship and partly because Jaehyun wanted to show off his new kitchen. But really, he was nervous as hell because he felt pretty disconnected from that side of Taeyong who was young and fun and liberal, and he had only heard of the fabled Ten in his atrocious tales.

They were awkward but that was Ten’s fault because he kept looking at the doctor like he wasn’t sure if he should dissect him or eat him. Maybe both.

But they act somewhat civil until Ten brings up the fact that five people have asked Taeyong out in the past week. Both Taeyong and Johnny glare at him and Taeyong takes the extra mile by kicking his best friend under the dining table. He yelped and sent daggers to the other before kicking him back. Johnny gives Jaehyun an apologetic look before dragging his boyfriend and Taeyong into the kitchen.

“This is not how you act with your best friend’s beau!” He shout-whispered to Ten before turning to scold Taeyong as well. “And you do not kick people under the dining table! Dear Lord, what did I do to deserve friends like you? I’m embarrassed. Oh daddy, I didn’t move all the way to America for this!”

“He started it with the kicking!” Ten hissed and pointed to Taeyong accusingly.

“You didn’t have to make it known how many people in college want to fuck me!”

“You two are five year olds! Why are we friends?” Johnny moaned, face in his hands type of embarrassed.

“Seo Youngho!”

 

“Um, I hate to interrupt.” Jaehyun coughed awkwardly at the kitchen door. They all turn to stare at him and Johnny recoiled at the fiaso this night was turning into. But Jaehyun strode to Ten with an unflagging confidence and a wobble in his step to reveal that he was actually still quite fearful. “I know. You probably hate me a lot. And I’ve already said it to Taeyong but you probably won’t believe my words even if it came from his lips. This is not how I envisioned our first meeting, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul.”

“Dude, even I can’t remember my boyfriend's full name.” The other two were standing at the side, watching with rapt surprise. Johnny whispered to Taeyong who nodded in agreement, both mildy impressed.

“Let me introduce myself again. I’m Jung Jaehyung. I’m the guy that loves Taeyong. Nice to meet you and I’m sorry I didn’t apologise to you for breaking your best friend’s heart. I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt him again. But I promise I’ll try not to.” Jaehyun extended his hand and waited for Ten’s reaction. Ten stared at him for a second. Just plain flustered by the open nature of Jaehyun’s apology.

He begrudgingly accepted the elder's hand and Jaehyun sighed in relief.

“I forgive you. Just don’t... do it again. Fuck, where’s the alcohol at times like this?” Ten pulled his hand back and ran his fingers through his unruly hair to brush it off like a suave natural action.

“This is the sweetest shit I’ve seen in awhile. I have tears.” Johnny said dramatically, pulling Taeyong into a semi hug.

 

“I think I have just the thing.” Jaehyun popped the fridge open and took out a bottle of rum and cola.

“At least he drinks like a college guy.” Ten guffawed and nodded approvingly at Taeyong. Jaehyun passed him a glass and Ten doesn’t even hesitate to finish it in one shot.

“I just realised after drinking. Ironically... is that a disco ball?”

“Yes. Yes it is.”

“You’ve always been more observant after drinking, Ten.” Johnny reminded him and taking a glass for himself.

“Let me turn off the lights.”

 

Ten and Jaehyun end up getting themselves drunk and singing (surprisingly) great renditions of Bruno Mars songs in the kitchen. The dizzying lights illuminated their faces in garish colours. It was actually quite amusing to see the two get along after a kick of alcohol and forgiveness. Taeyong’s just relieved he doesn’t have to deal with them being too pouty when he wanted to meet the other. And it was nice to see the two people he loved most get along.

“I want to keep him.” Johnny said abruptly whilst he and Taeyong are observing their drunk boyfriends. At least one of his friends know that there should be a sober one to drive.

“Who? Jaehyun?”

“Yeah. He handles Ten well. With authority but with a familiarity of a friend as well... and plus...”

“Plus?”

“The dude made Ten apologise. That’s pretty revolutionary in my book!” He smacked Taeyong in the chest with a wide toothy grin on his face.

“I agree.”

When Ten and Jaehyun finally get too drunk to handle, Johnny thanked Jaehyun and Taeyong for the meal and proceeded to carry Ten like a princess to his car. Jaehyun had somewhat sobered up at that point but was incredibly clingy to Taeyong who was trying to clean up the mess.

 

He was washing the dishes when Jaehyung wrapped his arms around his waist whilst humming a song into his ear. Needless to say, it was very very distracting and Jaehyun knew he had an effect on the younger when he was like this.

“Tsk. You’re being difficult again.”

“Aren’t I always difficult?”

“Unfortunately yes, but now it’s just over.”

“You like it when I’m extra. No, you love it.” Jaehyun moves his hand upwards and his lips trail kisses on his neck, breathing heavily against that scent he loves so much. “You always smell like Febreeze. It’s really a turn on.” He chuckled.

“You're killing the mood. That’s not being extra. That’s just being a cocky tease.” Taeyong elbowed him but missed and Jaehyun took the opportunity to turn him around much to the other’s annoyance. ”My hands are still soapy!”

“But you like how cocky I am.” Jaehyun smirked, before leaning down. Taeyong does not resist. There’s no point in trying to because he melted into the kiss, eager and needy. Jaehyun makes him eager and needy. His wet hands are in the other’s hair, threading and tugging impatiently. When they finally do pull away to catch a breath, they shared a fervent look with all those vivid red emotions because they knew.

“Damn, you’re right.” Taeyong rolled his eyes and kissed him again. They laugh as they stumbled to the bedroom laughing, because they simply knew.

They knew.


	11. Eleven

“Come in.” Jaehyun called as he went through a few x-ray scans, pointing to certain areas to Jeno and Jaemin as they took notes in record speed.

“Hey. Am I interrupting?” Taeyong peered into his office.

“No... no, just give me a sec. Come in.” Jaehyun continued explaining to the two before dismissing them quickly. “That should be all. The reports you two did look fine. I’ll go through them tonight. You guys can go have lunch.”

“Lunch?” They chorused in surprise.

“Lunch... yes. Go eat, my little apprentices.” He shooed them away with a firm but friendly smile. Taeyong hid his laugh by coughing into his arm.

“Thank you, Dr. Jaehyun.” They said before leaving the office door; for a moment, the simply stared at each other in confusion.

“Did he just call us little apprentices?” Jeno asked, Jaemin shrugged in response and they headed to the cafeteria.

 

“Subtle.” Taeyong put the food down on his table next to a neat pile (well, admittedly not enough for Taeyong’s standards) of files and papers on his desk.

“I tried my best. They’d never leave if I didn't freak them out a little bit.” Jaehyun went around to that side of his desk, trapping Taeyong’s body in between the table and himself.

“Don’t bully them. They’re such cute little things.” Taeyong pouted.

“You think they’re cute?” The doctor raised his eyebrows curiously.

“Are you jealous?”

“No.”

“I think you’re cute when you’re like this.”

“Like what?”

“Jealous.” Jaehyun frowned before leaning in to whisper against his ear.

“I’ve always wanted to do that dramatic thing in dramas where I push everything off my desk and take you right here and now... but...”

“There’s a ‘but’? This was just getting good.” He chuckled.

“But you’d probably clean the mess before sexy time could even commence. And I just sorted those files in order of priority. Sorry.” The doctor chuckled and kissed the bridge of his nose in a small gesture of apology.

“Make it up to me at home then.”

“What about I make it up to you now?” Jaehyun pulled at his belt loops. They meet in a kiss and it turned from soft to deep in a matter of seconds. The scraping of the door forced Jaehyun to pull away, caught off guard and flustered. “Would it kill you people to knock?” Jaehyun seethed but calmly flattened his shirt and hair when he realised it was just his so called friends.

“Would it kill all the horny doctors in this hospital to lock the doors?” Seulgi snapped back.

“Taeil and Doyoung never lock the door.” Irene said, a little bit traumatised and shivered at the memory. Taeil stood next to her, slightly blushing and shaking his head.

“Okay guys... Too much info.” Taeyong laughed.

“Jeno and Jaemin told us you were here and we wanted to see you...”

“And if you brought food.” Taeil added.

“I did.” Taeyong pointed to the plastic bag, making Seulgi and Irene sigh with relief.

 

“You don’t have class?” Taeil asked as he opened the Tupperware. They gathered around Jaehyun’s large desk, careful to move the paperwork aside.

“Not today. I just have another moot to prepare for but I’m meeting at the library after this.”

“Oh I see...”

 

“Irene noona, you look tired.” Taeyong said softly.

“No, she looks like an utter mess.” Seulgi corrected.

“Yeah... I know. I still don’t have a date for the gala.”

“It’s in two days. Your parents will freak.”

“Ugh, don’t remind me. I haven’t even gotten a dress yet. I’m so swamped with work. I’m going to be grilled so bad by my parents!” Irene groaned.

“Why?” Taeyong asked.

“Because she’s old and still single.”

“There has to be a guy you can get on short notice.” Jaehyun said before taking a sip of his coffee.

“It’s Saturday tomorrow. People have plans by now.” Irene shook her head. But Taeyong said something that silenced the whole room.

“I don’t have plans.”

 

He looked to her and she was surprised by the suggestion. Jaehyun felt annoyed and he did not even try to hide it.

“No.” It is a big word but was short and snippy, proving again he was not going to share Taeyong. Fake boyfriend or not.

“I mean I don’t have plans if you need someone to help you out.”

“Taeyong.”

“I don’t mind, noona.” He ignored the elder again and Jaehyun frowned.

“I mind.” He cleared his throat.

“Are you seriously still going on with that jealousy charade?”

“It’s not a charade.” Jaehyun gritted his teeth.

“Clearly.” Taeil snickered behind his coffee making the other glare at him.

 

“It’s just a bit of acting. Irene noona obviously needs some help. And you don’t get to boss me around and tell me what I can and can’t do.”

“He’s not a patient, Dr. Jaehyun. He has a point.” Seulgi drawled with a smirk, purposely using the words ‘patient’and calling him Dr.

“Just because I agree to this doesn’t mean I like it.”

“Of course. Your level of petty jealousy isn’t exactly... discrete.” They go back to eating and the usual flow of banter continues fluidly. But Taeyong missed the looks Jaehyun sent his way; a mix of despondency and longing.

 

 

“You don’t have to do this, you know.” Jaehyun spoke loudly enough for him to hear from his bedroom.

“And you don’t have to be so worried. I choose you, remember?” There is lilt in his voice Jaehyun can hear clearly. He imagined Taeyong was buttoning his dress shirt in his bedroom, probably smiling crookedly into the mirror.

He was not jealous.

 

“Rrrrriiinggg.” The doorbell rang but Jaehyun didn’t feel like opening the damn door. It’s immature but he wants to keep Taeyong for himself. Like the selfish prick he was. All to himself.

“Answer the door.” Taeyong shouted from the next room and he grumbled as he unlocked the door.

When Jaehyun answered the door, he almost choked on his own spit. Irene was wrapped in a flowy black dress that was tucked and ruched to show off her curves yet retain the same elegant conservativeness air that she always had. Her lips were a glossy red and her wavy locks framed her face perfectly. Irene had always been pretty, even in scrubs, with mussed hair and sleeping in the doctor’s lounge. She had always been pretty.

But seeing her now in her full force of paragon-esque, unparalleled classical beauty; Jaehyun wanted to punch himself in the face for agreeing to this. He gulped nervously.

No. He was not jealous.

 

“You look too beautiful. Are you trying to seduce my-”

“Always a pleasure to see you too, Jae.” Irene rolled her eyes and for a moment her mediocrity comes through, if only momentarily.

“I thought you said you didn’t have a dress.”

“I didn’t. My cousin sent it to me from Italy.”

“My shoes are from Italy too...” He murmured under his breath, moving aside to let her inside.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

 

“Noona, do I look okay?” Taeyong emerged from his room wearing that suit that Jaehyun had bought for him. He still looked ridiculously handsome. And the jealousy hit him hard.

Fuck. Why did he agree to this?

 

“You look handsome and young and-”

“Totally fuckable?” Jaehyun supplied and Taeyong blushed before hitting him on the chest.

“Tell your bed mate to calm the eff down.” Irene glared at Jaehyun.

“Jae.”

He stopped himself from running his fingers into his hair. He stopped himself from running his fingers through Taeyong’s hair. As tempting as it was he doesn’t want to further traumatise poor Irene who really was the victim here.

He was not jealous.

 

“You look perfect.” Irene complimented.

“As do you.”

“You guys better not elope!” Jaehyun grabbed his suit jacket and swung it around his shoulders dramatically.

“Yes, Romeo.” She rolled her eyes and hooked her arms around both of them.

“Animus revertendi.” He reminded her.

 

With intention to return.

 

“Have you been going through my law books again?” Taeyong laughed.

“No…”

“The phrase refers to animals and pets.”

“Do you want a collar? Can it be pink with rhinestones? Shall I let Irene hold your leash?”

“Please do your weird shit later, Jaehyun. I’m not here to witness your pet play.”

“Fine. Let’s get going.” He huffed, clearly not comfortable with the arrangements. Taeyong leaned in to his ear and whispered, his hot breath tickling Jaehyun’s neck.

“That was hot though.”

 

“Why do I feel like this is going to be worse than third wheeling Taeil and Doyoung?” Irene groaned.

“Sorry to disappoint but those two are on another level of obscenity.”

 

 

Jaehyun watched from afar as Irene introduced Taeyong to her parents. He smiled with practised ease and shook their hands firmly. They are dazzled, that much was obvious. Maybe it’s because Taeyong was dashingly debonair and unnaturally handsome. Or maybe because he had that demeanour that all law students apparently had; some kind of sophistication and a hell of a way with words.

He clenched his fingers around the stem of his flute whilst the champagne fizzled all the way to the top.

He was not jealous.

 

“Careful. You might break it.” Doyoung chuckled as he took a sip from his own flute.

“I’m surprised he hasn’t.” Taeil chipped in. He hated their smugness. It was palpable, radiating from their very pores.

“I hope you two get married and fight often.”

“Tsk tsk. That’s not very nice, Jaehyun.”

“Where’s Seulgi?”

“Where she always is at these type of parties, chatting up a rich guy.”

“Yah! I heard that, Kim Doyoung.” Seulgi appeared from behind Jaehyun with a martini in one hand and she pinched Doyoung’s side and he flinched and recoiled.

“Remember the time she accidentally hit on Gong Myung?”

“Oh please... Jaehyun’s guilty of that too.” She snapped back at Taeil.

“Guilty of what?” Taeyong asked, approaching them with Irene by his side. Jaehyun’s nostrils flared delicately.

“Guilty of-of-“

“Depriving us of your company.” Seulgi finished with a sly smile.

“Oh. Well I’m here now.” Taeyong looked around the hall, eyes shiny at the chandeliers and the expensive bottles of champagne and the almost aristocratic world of fancy people with even fancier clothes. Jaehyun had made it a game of guessing how many figures of zeros were in people’s Swiss bank accounts. And who was in love with who. And who was cheating on who. And who was fucking who.

 

Irene came back looking more relieved than usual; she placed a hand on Taeyong’s shoulder and gave him a thankful smile.

“Tae. My dad wants to introduce you to some people.” Irene tugged at his hand.

“Should I be scared?”

“No, it means he likes you, Tae.”

“Right, of course. Excuse me.” They disappear into the crowd and Jaehyun was left feeling slightly jilted. He finished the wine in his glass and replaces it with another one from a server passing by.

 

“You hear that?” He brooded bitterly.

“What?” Doyoung replied to his moody question.

“She called him Tae. Tae.”

A roll of his eyes.

An empty flute later.

“Wow, is it the end of the world already?” Doyoung laughed.

“It must be for Jaehyun.”

Oh it certainly felt like it.

He was not jealous.

 

Mr and Mrs. Bae took turns introducing him to new people. Maybe it was a tactic. Maybe they wanted him to marry Irene. Or maybe they just liked him. Irene’s father clapped someone on the back with a familiar grin. And Taeyong snapped back into attention.

“It’s been so long, CEO Kim.” Irene’s father greeted a man with salt and pepper hair in a dark navy suit; the lines in his face are deep, reverent.

“Too long. I’ve been travelling a lot these days.”

“This is Lee Taeyong. He’s my daughter’s new suitor. Law student.”

“Ahh, like myself. Nice to meet you.” They shook hands and Taeyong can smell his heavy cologne and pomade.

“Nice to meet you too.”

“CEO Kim used to be a business attorney for all the big corporations in Seoul. Now he runs his own consultant law firm.”

“Wow.”

“What university are you studying at?”

“SNU.”

“Ah... My alma mater. Call me if you ever find yourself jobless after graduating, Taeyong. What do your parents do?”

“T-thank you. That’s very generous of you. They passed away when I was very young.”

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He patted Taeyong, just as a woman appeared behind Mr. Kim and Taeyong’s eyes widened into saucers and he stared. She wore a cream shift dress, with dangly diamond earrings hanging off her ears that probably were too heavy. Her lips were painted in dainty pink and she carried around a bag what he assumed to be very expensive judging from the lining.

“Darling.” The woman spoke softly and it made Taeyong shiver. He’s never heard it said that way. “There you are. I thought you were over with the Hong.”

“Taeyong, this is my wife.” She visibly froze at the name before whipping her head to look at him. Their eyes met and Taeyong wants to vomit.

She should be dead.

She tried to control her expression, but in the end she gave him a tight lipped smile, pained, tortured.

“Nice to meet you.”

“Pleasure to meet you, Madam.” He managed to choked the word out.

“Law student at my old school.” Mr Kim said, with an oblivious smile.

“Oh, I see...” She looked at him again and Taeyong felt like he had just been electrocuted; a tightening feeling in his chest, the unmistakable pain coming back to him- of being slapped.

“It was nice to meet you, Mr and Mrs Kim. I suddenly remembered that I promised something to Irene. If you’ll excuse me.”

“Of course.”

 

Taeyong escaped to one of the balconies. He wants to throw up. He wants to throw himself off the fucking structure. But he clenched his fists until his knuckles turned smooth white. There is a shift and the sound of clicking heels and his breathing turned haggard. No. No. No.

“You’re studying law now. At SNU. Well I’ll be damned, you’ve grown up well.” Her voice has changed. But maybe he’s just used to the shouting, he forgot what she sounded like when she spoke softly and sweetly and sanely.

“You are damned. How well is subjective. And you’ve never really cared if I grew up well.” He gritted his teeth. This could turn out really really bad. He’s not suppose to assault rich women at fancy galas.

“Taeyong, I was young.” Her voice is too buttery, light. It grates his very being. He can’t look at her.

“Yeah... well. So was I.”

“I don’t regret leaving your father but you-”

“Of course you don’t. You’re wearing a Cartier watch worth more than my life and that handbag is a Birkin and I’m sure those shoes can cover my tuition fees... And what about that dress? It’s modest enough to give off the impression that you’re not some whore of a secretary he’s sleeping with.”

“I’m still your mother, Taeyong. Such cruel words-“

“Oh, you would know. You know his cruel words very very well.” He finally turned to face her. She was beautiful. His mother was beautiful. Genetics are superficial apparently.

“I didn’t want to leave you behind. I know it was wrong.”

“Lies. I don’t have much to say. Just that he’s dead so you can sleep more peacefully at night knowing he won’t come looking for you!”

“Wait. Taeyong!”

“I won’t tell your husband. Or is he really your husband? Wait no. Don’t answer that. I don’t even care. My mother died when I was twelve when she walked out of my life. Maybe you are the same woman. Maybe you are not. But I sure as hell hope you won’t sleep peacefully at night knowing you abandoned your own son. And if you do... I wish you a happy life, you cold hearted bitch.” He spat back, trying to control his insurgent rage like the long screech of a kettle, the hot water brimming, overflowing.

“I’m your mother!” She tried to say with some semblance of dignity and old world grace.

“You forfeited that title when you left! And you left without a goodbye.” His throat is thick, his tears felt near and his voice was cracking. “So don’t think you can waltz back into my life and pretend to be my mother. I’ve never had one.”

 

 

“Irene noona, I’m sorry. I have to go. I’m- I think I’m sick.” He stumbled upon Irene and she immediately touched his cheek tenderly, worry painting her face so fast.

“You’re pale and you’re shaking.”

“I feel sick.”

“Oh dear.”

“I’m sorry. Please tell your parents. I just really- I have to get out. I can’t right now.” He can barely string a coherent sentence.

“It’s okay. Explain later.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Go.”

 

“What’s wrong?” Jaehyun struggled to keep up with Taeyong pulling him to the car. One minute Irene was explaining to him that the younger was sick then the next he is dragged away.

“We have to leave.”

“Why?”

“Just please get me out of here.”

“Why?”

“Please.”

 

It scared Jaehyun.

 

“Drive.”

“Where?” Jaehyun started the engine and his car purrs in response.

“Anywhere.” Taeyong almost begged. He does not argue and he drove into the night.

 

“I met someone.” Taeyong finally spoke to him fifteen minutes later and they are cruising by the river’s edge, there’s not a lot of traffic. He’s calmed down, breath falling into a more rhythmic lull.

“Who?”

Jaehyun doesn’t want to know the name that hurt him to this extent. Someone else. Oh this boy deserved better people in his life. He shoved the thought away. He loved Taeyong.

 

“My mother. I thought she was dead.” He finally admitted, letting go of the name like he was letting go of his breath. The streetlights flash as they past, and so does Taeyong’s eyes. All the heaviness. All the pain. He let himself shed a few tears, wiping them away with the edge of his sleeve.

 

“No... I wished she was dead.”


	12. Twelve

“No... I wished she was dead.”

 

Silence.

 

Then Jaehyun pulled up next to the river. He reached out across Taeyong’s seat and opened the door from the inside whilst unbuckling his own seatbelt.

“Get out.” He said quietly. Taeyong did not budge from his seat. “What I mean is you should cool off.” He tried again.

“I’m fine.”

“No. No you’re not.” Jaehyun replied calmly towards the younger’s fit of rage. It was understandable.

“Fine.” Taeyong snapped, nostrils flaring, eyes burning. He took angry strides towards the railing of the riverside, clutching it like a lifeline, unflinching from the cold metal. He didn’t need to turn back to know Jaehyun was observing him from the distance. A careful distance. “She should be dead. Why isn’t she dead?” He asked out loud, more for his sake rather than Jaehyun’s.

“You’re mad.”

“Furious.” He corrected with a click of his tongue.

“Not at me for once.”

“This isn’t funny, Jae.” He snapped again, turning to face him.

Jaehyun was somewhat taken aback but he hid it well. His lover never got this mad, never to this point.

“I know this isn’t. So you better stop brooding like Edward Cullen and tell me what the hell happened.” Taeyong does not respond, his mouth doesn’t even tilt into an almost-smirk at the jab at Twilight. “Tell me, Taeyong. I’m here too. I promised to be here for you, remember?” His voice takes on a more passive approach.

“I hoped she was dead.” He said quietly.

“No, you don’t.” Jaehyun whispered taking his shaky hands in his. Taeyong was shivering so much from anguish, his eyes glassy from would-be tears.

“I thought it would be easier. So why am I the one in pain? Why couldn’t she be dead?”

“Life... doesn’t work that way.” He said softly. Taeyong pulled him close into a hug, burying his face into the other’s neck, hiding his tears. It is then that Taeyong splinters.

 

“I hoped she was dead. But that’s just a childish hope. But no, she’s in there, decked in jewellery and designer clothes and she’s some CEO’s wife now. I wonder what household she ruined for that. It would have been better if she was dead.”

“No, you don’t. I see it in your eyes. You hated her. You hated both of them. But not dead. Not to that extent.” He shushed him whilst stroking his hair.

“I hate them. I wish they were dead. But they’re still alive. Both of them. They’re both still haunting me.” He sobbed, trying to control his flood of emotions.

“Shhhh... its fine. I’m here. I’m here. I’m so sorry.” Jaehyun wanted to kiss the pain away but it wasn’t as easy as that.

“That hurt more than I thought it would. I thought it would be easy to hurl barbed words to someone you hate. It felt good for one minute and then it made me feel like shit because in the end, my words don’t matter. She left. It happened. My words don’t change anything.” Jaehyun pulled away to cup his face and look at him. Really look at those swimming sad eyes that he loved.

“Words rarely do.” He began to brush the tear streaks with his thumb. “Because we have to follow through with our actions for our words to have meaning. So, the other day when I said I love you. It meant waking up with you every morning. It meant pulling you in to kiss the tip of your nose in between coffee. It meant threading my fingers through your hair in bed. And intertwining our fingers when we watch movies. And letting you put pineapple on pizza even though I think it’s gross and an abomination to pizza toppings. And coming home to eat dinner with you. So it’s okay if it hurts.”

Jaehyun paused and pulled him into a burning kiss.

“Let me hurt with you.”

He breathes as he looked at Taeyong with pleading eyes and it felt like breathing again after a long time. Exhaling and inhaling. Breathing and being breathless all at once.

 

“She left me, Jaehyun. I was a child. I never understood what they fought about. I never understood that I was the reason why.” His voice breaks a bit and so does Jaehyun’s heart.

“It was never your fault.”

“I was never a reason for her to stay...”

 

“Well, who cares about her? You’re my reason.” Jaehyun said with fiery eyes and Taeyong sniffled. Lee Taeyong was this beautiful, beautiful boy who did not deserve all the hurt he did. “I wouldn’t even care about life if you weren’t here. Now, look at me. I spent my whole day being fucking jealous of Irene.”

“Why?”

“Because she’s pretty.”

“I’m not even into girls. What’s the real reason?”

“Just seeing you two together... I mean I’ve always wondered if I’ve robbed you of your time, Taeyong.” He admitted. He was jealous. Not just of Irene, but of all the hot-blooded, youthful people who surrounded him like moths to a lamp.

“What?” He sputtered, red eyes widening in surprise.

“You’re young and intelligent and ridiculously attractive. And what I mean by that is it’s not like I’m afraid of robbing a cradle or anything. You’re legal. But you have so much time. You’re so young. I feel bad to push you into this type of commitment.”

“Shut up.”

“If you make mistakes, Taeyong. Don’t let me be yours.”

“You’re so stupid.” Taeyong muttered before tiptoeing and simultaneously pulling him into a chaste kiss. It was sudden, but so gentle that it made Jaehyun shiver from the intimacy despite being out in the open; the cold night wind brushing his cheeks harshly against the heat of Taeyong’s hand.

 

“Well, that’s one way to shut me up.” He breathed in heavily, a little bit more high than he was before.

“I swear if you say the word ‘young’ again, I’ll slap you.”

“Where?” Jaehyun’s mouth stretched into a knowing smile, teasing coquettishly.

“I didn’t think you were into that type of... kink.”

“My kink is you.” Taeyong laughed and Jaehyun felt his muscles loosen up in relief.

“Honestly, it’s moments like this that reassure and scare me at the same time.”

“I was joking. I’m just jealous. I’m sorry.” He sighed, leaning against Taeyong’s arm.

“No, you’re just Jae-lous.”

“Haha funny.”

“I’ve been Jae-less for awhile.” He admitted.

“Over. You’re overdoing it now.” Jaehyun tried to contain himself from laughing at the stupid and not-so-funny joke. But it was Taeyong, so he laughed anyway.

“Am I? Even for your level? I must have hurt you today.”

“Very very much. Don’t smile so brightly at Irene. It shakes my heart.”

“Jaehyun.” His smirk faded into a smile, and the lights by the river suddenly don’t look that dazzling or bright anymore, not in comparison.

“Yes?”

“Don’t smile so brightly at me. It shakes mine.” He said in sotto voce, hands intertwining. They kiss again and Jaehyun doesn’t give a damn who might see, and how inappropriate this was. Or what was wrong or right, real or an illusion. His thoughts were only for the person he loved.

“Okay for real though, that was a smooth as fuck pick up line. You have to agree.” Taeyong laughed and it lights up his whole entire life.

 

He was not jealous.

He had Taeyong afterall.

 

 

“It just hurt more than I thought it would; the confrontation.” Taeyong whispered, removing his tie and suit jacket and laying it on a chair in Jaehyun’s room. The older was already changing into a t-shirt and flannel pants.

“You want to talk about it?”

“No... not yet. I’m not ready to tell you everything yet.”

“Do you... want me to...” Jaehyun coughed, before sneaking up behind him, letting his hands snake up to the younger’s chest, Taeyong shivered underneath his touch. He pushed the other’s hands away, helping him unbutton his shirt before pressing kisses to the junction of his neck. “To make you forget?”

“Thanks but I’m not in the mood for sex if that’s what you mean. Sorry, I’m kind of tired.” He pulled away slowly, but placed a kiss to the tip of Jaehyun’s nose. He pouted but does not push forward, instead he thought of other alternatives on how they could spend the night so that Taeyong would be more at ease.

“We could watch a movie? Just curl up in bed and browse through Netflix? I’ll make hot chocolate and I think there's brownies in the fridge or if you want something heavier, we can order pizza. “

“I’d like that a lot.” He nodded, before pulling a white v-neck over his head.

“Good. You’re less sad now.”

“With you rambling like that, how could I be anything short of happy?” Taeyong smiled, before leaning down to kiss him again.

 

They watched Mamma Mia because... well, because Pierce Brosnan and Colin Firth was reason enough frankly. Jaehyun sang along to the songs whilst Taeyong stared at him, humming along, with an amused smile upon his face. It is when Meryl Streep was belting out ‘The Winner Takes it All’ does Jaehyun realise that Taeyong had fallen slack next to him, deep in sleep, breathing against the skin of his neck.

He took a moment to stare at the high slopes of Taeyong’s cheekbones, to the pale white of his skin and the inky strands of his hair falling over his closed eyes. Jaehyun can’t help but smile, the music of the movie blurring into the background because all he can hear is his own heart beat beating like a beast against his ribcage. And he simply knew. He couldn’t live without Taeyong.

He let his finger brush softly against his cheek down to his lips before readjusting Taeyong’s head onto the pillow. Shutting the laptop with a quick snap, he closed the lights before settling next to Taeyong. Tugging his smaller frame into his embrace, letting himself be enveloped with the scent of Febreeze, lavender and home.

Taeyong smelt of home.

 

 

There was a lightness to his steps when Taeyong padded out of the bedroom. Maybe because Jaehyun slept so soundly, he never felt like he should wake him up due to the stressful nature of his job. He deserved more time to rest. In the meantime, he’d make some breakfast.

Fifteen minutes later, the same hands from last night crept around his waist, tugging him back into a solid chest. Taeyong’s hands are wet from doing the dishes but he wipes them quickly on a tea towel next to the sink before kissing the white knuckles of Jaehyun’s hands.

“Morning.” He laughed, voice still deep from sleep.

“You’re too much. Even in the morning.”

“Especially in the morning. Because someone left the bed early so I had no one to cuddle with.” Jaehyun’s nose nudged at his hair and he chuckled when he's dragged and tickled to death till he was being straddled on the sofa.

“T-this isn’t fair!” He said in between deep, gasping breaths and uncontrollable laughter.

“Hah! Nothing in life is fair!”

 

They don’t realise the door lock clicking into place and the door swinging open. Or the boy that barged in the next second.

“Jaehyuuunnnnsss.” Jaehyun froze, hands still on Taeyong’s abdomen. The other turned to stare at the blonde haired boy now standing in the entry of the apartment, luggage behind him. “H-hyung.” He tried, flustered, unable to look at them like... well like that.

“Who are you?” Taeyong pushed Jaehyun off him, flushing pink from embarrassment due to the fact that he had just walked into them in the most compromising of positions.

“Oh man... I’m sorry I didn’t know you had... umm... company, hyung. Given that you’re always so busy and stuff. That and the fact that you’re pretty cranky all the time and such a bad-“

“Bad what? Keep going, Mark.” Jaehyun finally responded, more calmly than expected.

“Conversationalist.” The boy called Mark finished then gulped, eyes darting unsurely, but almost curiously to Taeyong. “He’s honestly such a bad conversationalist.”

“Mark.” Jaehyun warned; voice low.

“Sorry, hyung.” He looked down to his hands, suddenly very meek.

“What are you doing here? Is it that time of year again?”

“What time of year?” Taeyong asked out loud and they answer in sync.

“Spring break.”

 

“Ugh, give me a minute. I’m not awake till I have some coffee.” Jaehyun stood from the sofa and plopped back down, running his fingers through his hair.

“I’ll go fix a batch.” Taeyong said and Mark quickly dragged the luggage in before volunteering to help.

“I’ll help.”

“Thanks.”

 

“Is that a disco ball?” Mark gawked as they both entered the kitchen.

“Yes... Jaehyun put it because... reasons.” Taeyong laughed before pulling down the jar of instant coffee granules down from the cupboard. “Oh, I haven’t introduced myself. My name’s Taeyong. I guess you can call me Taeyong hyung?”

“Nice to meet you. My name’s Mark. I’m Jaehyun’s brother.” He extended his hand and they share an awkward first handshake; that is until Jaehyun’s voice pierced the awkwardness by hollering from the living room.

“Step-brother!”

“That’s cruel, hyung!” Mark pouted whilst settling the coffee on the table.

“It’s the truth, kid.”

“I never call you my step brother. You’re my brother and that’s what you are!”

“If you insist.”

“I’m just going to crash on your sofa for awhile.” Mark explained. “Till I finish a few songs and stop fighting with dad.”

“Ever considered Airbnb since you’re always in Korea? Don’t you have friends that you can freeload with?” There was a slightly cold undertone to his voice and Taeyong was shocked to find him so... apathetic.

“Jaehyun.”

“You probably have dad’s credit card with you and we all know that you know the pin so maybe a nice hotel wouldn’t be too outlandish?”

“He stays here.” Taeyong raised his voice slightly to catch both their attentions.

“What?”

“I hardly ever sleep in my bedroom anyway now, so he can crash there.”

“Says who?” Jaehyun scowled and puts down his mug of coffee.

“Says me.”

“He’s not paying the rent.”

“I’ll pay his rent.” Taeyong replied curtly and it seemed to piss the doctor off even more.

“It’s f-fine, Taeyong hyung.” Mark stuttered, putting a hand on his shoulder. The action is not missed by Jaehyun.

“No, no it’s not fine! Your brother-“

“Step-brother.” He corrected for the billionth time that morning.

“Is being an ass! Jaehyun of all people should know how much I value family.”

“What family?” He retorted back, but he immediately regretted it because of the woeful look that crossed Taeyong’s face, if only for a second. He’s crossed the line again and he bit his tongue in penitence.

“Exactly.”

 

 

“You know I didn’t mean it like that.” Jaehyun followed Taeyong to the kitchen as the other evaded him entirely, turning to wash the dishes in the sink.

“I know you didn’t mean to offend me and it was a heat of the moment kind of thing and you were mad and I was fighting back. I’m still pissed off at you for being such a jerk to your brother. But hey, what do I know? Because I obviously don’t have any family left.”

“Stop. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. You know I didn’t mean that.”

“Why don’t I know about him? How come I didn’t even know you have siblings?

“Because he’s not important.”

“I’m right here, bro.”

“I’ll deal with you later, you little s-“

“Jaehyun. You never told me.” Taeyong’s voice was insinuating and Jaehyun could tell he was hurt.

“It never cropped up in our conversations.” Taeyong merely scoffed and rolled his eyes. .“Okay... I know. I know. I’m sorry. I’m making excuses. It’s not something I talk about.”

“You could’ve just... I don’t know... mention it? Once?”

“My parents divorced when I was about nine. It wasn’t big or dramatic. They just couldn’t live with each other anymore. I was young but I understood. They never were that affectionate.”

“And you?”

“What about me?”

“You are their son, Jaehyun. How did you feel?”

“I was sad, I guess... it didn’t last long. I understood that they functioned better apart than together.”

“You’re a family.”

“Yes... Mark’s about eighteen. He was born in Canada but we grew up a together somewhat sparingly, a few years in America. He was just a baby then. Other than that, I see him when I visit my father.”

“The whole 'I lived in America for four years'?”

“Yeah. Both my parents married other people and had other children. I wasn’t the type to actively seek their approval anyway. I guess you can say my upbringing was methodical instead of warm. But they didn’t love me any less, I knew that. They moved on from each other. So did I.” He shrugged nonchalantly.

“You weren’t like... neglected?”

“It was complicated but I was never unhappy. There’s nothing to talk about.” He shrugged.

“I get it. If you didn’t want to share that part of your lif-“

“That’s not it! You know it’s not like that. I’m not embarrassed or ashamed of you... or of them for the matter. It’s just not important.”

“Then what is Mark doing here?”

“He likes to show up on my doorstep without warning every now and them, mostly during spring break. He likes the rap scene here and he’s made quite a few friends on his own. He’s going through that rebellious teen phase when he locks the doors to his bedroom and never tells his parents where he’s going... God and he spends money like it grows on trees!”

 

“Poor kid.”

“Correction. Rich kid.”

“That may be true, but he is technically running away from home.”

“Oh please, my dad will call by midday to see if he’s arrived at my place as per usual. He’ll go back when he gets bored or runs out of money to throw around.”

“He’s devoid of love.”

“He’s devoid of interest. He can’t hold a hobby or a job or his own bloody attention in maths class.”

“I’m actually good at maths.” Mark rebutted from the living room, not bothering the fact that he was eavesdropping.

“Your report card says otherwise, Mark Lee!”

 

“Jaehyun! Is that how you’ve been handling him?”

“He’s not some stray you need to worry about. Don’t argue with me on this! He’s just my step-brother.”

“That’s exactly the reason why I care. Because he’s your brother who you didn’t even care to tell me about. Who’s obviously suffering from an estranged brother and a dysfunctional family.”

“He’s not! I am not!”

“He wouldn’t be here if that was the case!”

“You know what? Fine. Take care of him. Feed him. Coddle him. I kinda hate the fact that it hasn’t even been an hour since he arrived and now he has you wrapped around his chubby little fingers.” Jaehyun sighed, putting his hands up in surrender.

“Are you jealous of your own brother?”

“Mildly. And it’s step brother.”

“You’re ridiculous!” Taeyong sputtered.

"Yes, I am.” He admitted, and they split to opposite ends of the house, whilst Mark is left to contemplate his part in triggering a lover’s spat.

 

 

“Jaehyun? Seulgi said you’re done with your patients for the morning.” Irene asked, after peering into his office with a clipboard and a bottle of asprin.

“Yes. I am done.” He nodded, looking away from his reports.

“Ummm... A friend of my father’s requested a check up from you. Specifically.”

“Me? Why?”

“You’re actually a good doctor, Jae. I know you don’t like it when people pull strings through me but can you please, please, please do me this one favour?”

“Of course. I don’t mind. I think I have time before lunch.”

“Really? Thanks, I owe you one. Well... two now. How’s Tae doing?”

“Taeyong is doing fine. He said he wanted to explain it to you personally later.”

“Okay. I hope he’s feeling better now. Let me just go get her.”

 

Five minutes later a lady walked into his office; she was rich, no doubt about that, with her styled hair and diamond earrings and modest dress. And he wondered why she went to the trouble of requesting him personally through Irene. She was beautiful despite the fact that Irene told him she was already in her forties and there was something feline and recognisable in her beauty, something he couldn’t pinpoint exactly. Perhaps he had seen her somewhere.

“Dr. Jung?”

“Yes, please have a seat. Pardon the mess.” He gestured to the seat and tried to clear the reports on his desk a bit.

“What can I help you with, Mrs. Kim? I’m sorry but I don’t have any of your medical records...”

“I’m not here for that, Jaehyun.” She addressed him with his first name and he stiffened in his seat.

“Uh... I don’t understand.”

“Let’s just get straight to the point. I’m here about Taeyong.” She replied, letting her manicured hands fold over her creaseless dress like resting doves. Jaehyun blinked for a minute before realising why her face was so flawless and familiar. Like Taeyong, she was flawless like Taeyong. She was beautiful like her son.

 

“You’re his mother.”

“Biologically.”

“That’s very cold of you to say so.” Jaehyun gripped the pen he was holding and leaned back into his seat, eyeing Taeyong’s mother distrustfully.

“We’re in a hospital. There’s no need to sugarcoat.”

“I can see why Taeyong hates you now.” He does not try to hide the disdain in his voice, face falling into a frown, the cynicism dripping off his words.

“You’re blunt. I like that. I can see why Taeyong likes you.”

“You wouldn’t know what Taeyong likes because you haven’t been with him the past decade. So stop pretending you know him.”

“And would you? Do you really know my son as much as you claim to know him, Jung Jaehyun ssi?”

“More than his own mother would.”

“I’m not here to debate about my flaws as a mother. Despite what you two may think of me, I am still his mother.”

“Biologically.” He reminded her. She slipped a piece of paper across the table. It was a cheque and Jaehyun refused to count the amount of zeros there was on it. It was probably, no doubt, worth more than his life.

“This is a cheque for Taeyong. I know he won’t accept it from me. He’d probably refuse to meet me in the first place.” She sighed heavily, looking down at her folded hands. “But he might accept it from you. I don’t particularly care what he spends it on, he is prudent, my son-“

“He is not your son. What are you trying to achieve with this money?” There was a tenacity to his words, a bite to them, because he was angry. He doesn’t understand why but he felt the rage coursing through his system. Taeyong’s mother was too much. He didn’t think he could hate someone he knew so little about. But he did.

He hated her.

 

“Nothing. It’s too late for achievements now.”

“Why go through all this trouble now? You could’ve tried to find him ages ago, get him out of that house, get him off the part time jobs. He’s only prudent because of the lifestyle you forced him to live. Did you even know what he went through? How he came into the emergency ward because he was beaten up by the loan sharks of your late husband? So why now? Because he’s smart and handsome? Successful now?”

“He’s always been handsome and smart.”

“Is it the guilt? Is this guilt money? Do you have nightmares now about the child you left behind?”

“It’s not guilt. It’s a mother burden.” She whispered and Jaehyun can detect the regret and sadness for once in her voice. But it was fleeting as the mist because her expression clouded back into a serene, elegant facade, like perfumed on arrogance.

He hated her even more.

 

“I’m sure you feel all the burden now, more than ever. But you are not his mother and he is no longer your son.”

“Believe what you may. I am his only family left.” He shook his head and picked up his pen again, turning to the reports he was checking before.

“He has me. That will always be enough.”

“Give him the money.”

“Taeyong may feel bad for being an ass to his mother but I don’t. He doesn’t need your guilt money. You’ll have to live with it, unfortunately. Sucks.” He does not look up from his paper, a silent rage bubbling underneath his still veneer. This was suffocating. She was suffocating. “Now, if you’re done with your little act... you know the way out.”

Mrs. Kim hesitated at the door, turning to him, forlorn and benign.

“Take care of him.”

“I don’t need you to tell me to do that.” He dismissed her coldly.

“Of course.”


	13. Thirteen

Taeyong was researching his next case for a moot, and wondering how the hell the defendant managed to appeal for habeas corpus in such a short time. He wrote small neat notes on the side with a blue ballpoint pen, occasionally tapping on the table with it when he couldn't quite understand.

He hadn't really made up with Jaehyun in the past two days.

They talked but it was strained and short and snippy and they were both prideful. Now they were just avoiding each other and that was pretty easy to do when he was neck deep in assignments and Jaehyun was always at work. But he never liked fighting with him for long.

"Hypnotise," Mark said. And Taeyong snapped to his direction, forgetting he was right there across the coffee table, penning down something in his notebook.  
"What?"  
"Biggie. Hypnotize. That's what you were humming. Am I right?" Taeyong blinked; suddenly Mark looked a lot like Jaehyun with his dark hair falling over his forehead and those eyes looking at him curiously.  
"Huh... yes. You like his music?"  
"I like all rap music."  
"Me too... Jaehyun finds it appalling."  
"I bet he does." Mark chuckled before scooting over next to Taeyong. "Hyung can I ask you something?"  
"Sure."

"How long have you and Jaehyun been with each other?"  
"Why do you want to know?" Taeyong asked, surprised out of all the topics he wished to discuss that it was that one.  
"No reason. Just curious I guess. He doesn't tell me anything anymore. He doesn't call, not like he used to anyway." Taeyong doesn't know how to respond the melancholy in Mark's voice so he skirts around the matter entirely. Perhaps later he would ask.  
"I moved in during winter. I had family problems and your brother kindly offered his spare room."  
"How did you meet?"  
"Oh wow, that's a long story. You sure have loads of questions."  
"I have a lot of time on my hands."  
"We met in the hospital."  
"That's romantic."

Taeyong snorted.

"He was treating my cousin. Around your age. Annoying. I should introduce you two someday; you'd make a good pair. Then after that, there were a few more bump ins. We met at a crematorium next."  
"Classy."Taeyong was beginning to understand how the constant adolescent sarcasm drove his lover mad.  
"Then he asked me for coffee and that night we fuc-" Taeyong coughed, trying to dispel the mental image of the first night and reconfigure his words for a more appropriate audience. "We talked. We talked that night." He corrected himself but Mark smiled doubtfully at him, seagull eyebrows arching up suggestively.  
"Totally. Because all adults do in the dead of the night is talk."  
"Shut it, kid. I'm giving you the pg-13 version." Mark pouted as Taeyong shoved him to the side playfully, face flushed pink. "Your brother was a dick because he never called me back."  
"What an ass."

"I know right? Then one fine day I had the unfortunate pleasure of getting beaten up by loan sharks and landed myself in his emergency room, lucky me."  
"That's kismet. Maybe a little bit dramatic but Kismet no less."  
"I'd like to think it was but I had a broken nose and a dislocated shoulder so it was less red string of fate more clinical thread stitching to my knee."  
"Do you love him?" Mark asked, unabashed, eyes wondering to meet Taeyong's intense gaze.  
"Well, that's a loaded question."  
"Do you though?"  
"Yes. Yes, I do. I love your brother." Mark smiled, and they are silent for a moment.

"Tit for tat. Tell me about Jaehyun when he was younger." Taeyong patted his knee and closed his book, turning to face Mark.  
"I don't remember the exact details because I was a toddler. But he played basketball. He was really good at it and I used to watch him play at games. He was studious and polite; he was nice, pretty popular. But he didn't bring any girls home though… I understand why now."  
"You don't find it strange?" He asked softly, biting his lip and meeting the young boy's mischievous eyes.  
"I think you're prettier than most girls anyway hyung." Taeyong blushed at his words, looking away to hide his face.

"We had a large age gap so he would hang with his friends more than he would hang with me. I never understood why he was so... detached."  
"What do you mean detached?"  
"It was the little things really, the way he would downcast his eyes at the dinner table as if he was... intruding. The way he would grimace when my mother kissed his cheek. Sometimes he'd fight with my father in the study about the future and other things. I was a child; I thought it was just... normal." Mark let out a heavy sighed that made him seem years older than he was. "He treated himself like a house guest for those four years. As I got older... I understood. He wasn't my brother. Not in the way that mattered. I didn't hate him for it. I get it. It was hard on him too."  
"The divorce?"  
"Yeah. He didn't complain. He was always smiling. He was never mean to my mother or me but I could tell. As I got older I began to understand; he was lonely. He didn't feel like he..."  
"Belonged?"  
"Yes. I suppose."  
"It's so hard to get him to talk about his feelings."  
"Yeah... I've tried. Why do you think I visit him almost every year?" Taeyong smiled, looking at the young boy in a new light.  
"So you love him too..."  
"Of course. He's my hyung. I just wished we were less estranged." He shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant.

"I see... what were you writing before?" Taeyong leant to look at the small leather notebook he was fiddling with.  
"Ah... this? It's silly." He shook his head.  
"You write lyrics? For rap I assume? Jaehyun said you liked the rap scene here."  
"He did? So he's not totally inattentive." Mark let slip as he turned to open his notebook. "Hyung, can you help me find something to rhyme with this?"  
"Sure kid."

 

"What did you talk about?" Jaehyun asked whilst loosening his tie. He had come home earlier to Taeyong and Mark laughing and writing lyrics. Maybe he was stupid for feeling jealous. But they had looked so cosy and close and he was low-key envious over their new bond.  
"Stuff. Rap music. America. Korea. You."  
"Me?"  
"Yeah."  
"What on earth did you gossip about me?" Jaehyun growled lowly, pouting and pulling the other flush against his chest. Head dropping down to Taeyong's shoulder.  
"We didn't gossip. We talked. He looks up to you, you know?"  
"That's funny." Jaehyun snorted but Taeyong shifted in his grip, before glaring at him. "Oh... you're serious."  
"He said he doesn't hate his father. Nor you. In fact, he adores you. He's sad you guys don't bond and that you're always so distant. He knows he's an annoyance but it's all purposeful because he hopes you see that he's not."  
"He's not a total annoyance."  
"He also agrees you were an ass for not calling me," Taeyong admitted, stroking his cheek with his index finger.  
"Your camaraderie with him is unsettling." He drawled.

"Jae..."  
"So what do you have planned?"  
"Planned?"  
"Pfft. I doubt you have no plans for some sort of brotherly reconciliation ala Dr Phil." Jaehyun scoffed.  
"I'm not exactly going to force you. That would defeat the entire purpose... but if you don't make up with him by the weekend I'm moving back into my old room."  
"You're bribing me with abstinence of sex? This is your great idea? Celibacy?" Jaehyun gasped, gripping onto Taeyong's arms with a renewed sense of desperation.  
"Leverage. It's leverage, not blackmail or bribery."

 

Jaehyun was in for a long haul that Friday, his shift ending at midnight. He took a sip of his steaming coffee from his favourite blue mug and began signing papers on his desk that Seulgi had prepared, miscellaneous things like lab samples and stocks of new trial drugs. He leant back into his arm chair and sighed, massaging his neck slightly from the constant ache of sitting on a desk and then working long hours.

A slip of paper caught his eye, the cheque; it is still there with all its glorious zeroes.

For a moment he wondered if he should give it to Taeyong. It was technically his choice, it was his. But he didn't want to.

 

His memories flit to his past, far gone, if only he could forget.

The study room of his father was a very antiquated room, it had a black heavy door, and a large ebony desk dominated the room; behind them were French windows that lead out to the upper floor veranda. There were piles and piles of scrolls, plans and layouts spread on the desk, held down by a plethora of paper weights, metres of blueprints all marked with the same precise handwriting. It smelled of Montecristo cigars and his father's musky cologne.  
He didn't like going into this room.

It was foreign and full of period features like the trellises by the window panes and the marble fireplace they didn't even use. It reminded of where he was: in a pre-colonial house, in suburban Connecticut where the grass was always green and the white picket-fenced neighbourhood was always picturesque and serene. And they were, essentially, the perfect family.

"We won," Jaehyun repeated for the second time because the first time he said it his father didn't even look up from his work papers. He was still panting from the adrenaline rush of the game. The sky was a lovely shade of coral, seeping into pale blue. There would be a party that night, no doubt, at the captain's house. There would be free flow beer in red solo cups and marijuana smoke billowing in the dimly lit rooms, there would be girls and boys, it didn't matter who, because they would flock to him. And he would hang with the rest of the popular kids because he was Jay, he was attractive and athletic and intelligent and polite. But he was far from happy.  
And he would get himself drunk and stoned with the rest of the team because he sure as hell didn't want to remember his father's next words.  
"So you've said." His father clicked his tongue and sipped his cognac straight from his crystal decanter.  
"You don't care." His voice took a strained turn.

It was a blunt statement.

"No. It's not like that Jay." He looked up from his papers for once, removing his reading glasses; plastering that practised sympathetic face that Jaehyun hated so much.  
"Stop pretending."  
"I've just been busy... look I'm sorr-" He stood up and tried to apologise, wiping his ink-smudge fingers onto his slacks.  
"You never call me Jaehyun or Yonooh? Why? Because it's the name my real mother choose for me? You never show up to my games. You never show any interest in what I'm doing or my hobbies or my grades or anything!"  
"Stop this. You're not five anymore." He frowned and put down the alcohol.  
"You're unbelievable."  
"If you're mad at me, fine. I get it." He raised his hands in defence before pulling a few hundred bills from a drawer and letting them drop upon his blueprints. "Here's a few hundred. I know you have a party tonight so enjoy, don't get caught by the police when you get drunk and then maybe tomorrow you can buy those Micheal Jordan's you wanted at the mall. Hmm?" He plopped back down on his swivel chair, looking just as uninterested as before.

"You're really unbelievable." Jaehyun scoffed. He stormed out of his father's study, letting the door bang shut. The vibrations reverberated in the old house and up his spine. God, he hated this house.  
There was a flicker of movement at the corner of his eyes, and he found himself face to face with a young Mark, his eyes wide, his mouth opened in an ‘O' shape.  
"Hyung." He called out but Jaehyun's hands clench into fists and his gaze hardened. Jaaehyun brushed past him coldly, ignoring his step-brother's presence again.  
He didn't hate Mark. Not really. But there was a slight jealousy there. He was young. He was naive. He knew that when his father doted on the younger, it was because he was a good kid. And he was loving and carefree and so generous with his smiles.

And Jaehyun envied that, his ability to smile at anyone and everyone. Because as much as Jaehyun tried, he can't kiss his stepmother back and he hesitated when he was asked to join on family vacations. Maybe he was just an ass for not trying to assimilate into the family he had; maybe his stubborn heart just didn't want too.  
But it didn't matter. He was going to get pissed that night anyway.

"Jaehyun. Jae!" Seulgi's voice made him snap out of his reverie.  
"I'm sorry. I was... dreaming. Did you say something?"  
"Yeah... Dr Park has a family emergency; he asked if you could take over his surgery at 2?"  
"Yeah, sure." He nodded quickly; flustered he had been caught daydreaming.  
"Are you sure you're okay?"  
"Yeah... I was just lost in thought." Jaehyun shook his head.  
"Okay..." Seulgi left with her eyebrows up but she said no more.

He looked at the cheque once again and slipped it into his briefcase.

 

"Taeyong psstttt. Taeyong. Tae." Jaehyun shook Taeyong from his sleep.  
"Hmmm? What time is it? Why are you waking me up at 4 am?" He groaned when he saw the digital clock blinking and turned on his side, realising the bedside lamps were on and Jaehyun was half-hidden in the shadows.  
"You have to wake up." He shout-whispered.  
"Is the house on fire?" Taeyong asked groggily, attempting to blink the sleep from his eyes.  
"What? No."  
"Then I'm not waking up." He slumped back onto the bed, pulling the blanket even tighter around himself.  
"Come on Taeyong! You told me to make things right with Mark and I am!"  
"What right? What? What about my right to have some peaceful sleep?"  
"Taeyongggg. Wake up! We have to go to Hangang now!"  
"Why on earth do you want to go to Hangang at 4 am!"  
"To play basketball!"

"You're insane."  
"I am! I told you." Jaehyun's laugh woke him up and for a moment he stared at the older, in the dim light. Crazy. He was batshit crazy. Why did Taeyong even love this weirdo  
"Basketball?"  
"Yes. I already woke up Mark."  
"Ugh, the things I do for love." Taaeyong groaned and kicked Jaehyun off the bed with his foot; he landed with a dull thud but merely smiled, dragging the other down from the bed too. He slid down and pushed Jaehyun simultaneously as the other was laughing like a psycho.  
"That was totally a Game of Thrones reference." He smiled.  
"Yeah, well... Winter is coming up your ass if you don't get off me."

And that was how they ended up in the courts by the Han River, playing basketball at 4 am because Jaehyun was a genius at pulling of crazy ideas like this.

"Okay but seriously... why couldn't we play basketball like in the morning or something?"  
"I felt a sense of urgency."  
"Couldn't your sense my annoyance permeating out of my pores then?"  
"Oh, I felt it alright." Jaehyun laughed before snatching the ball from him and landing a slam dunk.  
"Woah, hyung you still got it!"  
"Of course."  
"I can't believe you're cool with your brother dragging you out of bed to play basketball at this ungodly hour."  
"It's because he did all those things did I agree. He seemed hell bent on this... He's rarely ever this persistent." Mark panted as they fought over the orange ball.  
"True." Taeyong rolled his eyes.

They ate ramen by the water, at a 24-hour convenience store, the heat of the noodles quickly making up for the chilly spring breeze. Unmannerly slurps filled the quietness as they feasted on their convenient store ramen and other unhealthy snacks, they were famished from all the sudden night exercise and it was awakening to have the spice of the soup slide down their throats.  
"Ah, seriously this tastes so good."  
"It does."  
"Ah... this is the taste I can feel in Korea." Mark sighed happily, leaning back into his chair whilst sipping on banana milk.  
"I'm going to the toilet."

"Let's take a walk."  
"What about Taeyong hyung?"  
"He'll find us."

"Do you remember the time I fought with dad in the study?"  
"The one after you won state championships? Yeah... why?"  
"I bumped into you after that. Do you remember that?"  
"Yes... you were pissed. Rightfully so."  
"I got really hammered that night at a party."  
"And in the morning you were puking amongst my mother's rose bushes."  
"Yes... and you brought me inside the kitchen, sat me down, you forced me to drink orange juice and some ibuprofen. Then you made me pancakes and drizzled too much maple syrup on it because-"  
"Because you like a lot of maple syrup on your pancakes."  
Jaehyun smiled, nodding.

"I do. You paste a cooling pack on my forehead and then dragged me to my bedroom and removed my shoes. And you told me to sleep."  
"I did."  
"And that afternoon when your mother wondered who smashed her precious garden gnomes."  
"The ones with the red hats," Jaehyun recalled, a smirk pulling at his lips.  
"Yes... those. Those were ridiculous."  
"I love mum but I agree wholeheartedly."  
"You told her... that you had been carelessly messing around with the garden hose. And I never... I never thanked you for it." Mark stopped short when he realised Jaehyun's voice had taken on a softer tone.  
"You never had to. I'm your brother."  
"Yes. Yes, I do. I do have to thank you." He paused and looked him in the eyes. "I also have to say I'm sorry."  
"Jaehyun hyung..." His eyes widened.  
"I was never was the ideal big brother you wanted. I'm sorry."  
"You don't have to."  
"I was always out with friends or getting stoned or playing basketball to have had been the brother you wanted me to be."  
"I knew. I understood. It would be a lie to say I wasn't upset. But I get why you were... distant."  
"That didn't give me the right to be a jerk to you. I'm sorry."  
"You were never a jerk." Mark insisted and Jaehyun snorted.  
"You're always so nice that it's kind of aggravating. And I kind of hated you for it."  
"I'm honest." He chirped.  
"Too honest."

"You've changed." Marked laughed.  
"I'd like to think for the better." He playfully shoved his brother.  
"It's Taeyong hyung isn't it? He's making you re-evaluate things."  
"He's teaching me to love." Mark made a gagging face but smiled afterwards.  
"It is good. He is good. He's good for you."  
"You think?"  
"I know."

"Taeyong... he... he's had it rough. More than you can imagine. And the fact that he can smile at me in the morning and laugh and study law like it's interesting. And he can grin whilst being stitched and cry whilst watching Up..."  
"Everyone cried when watching Up." Mark rolled his eyes.  
"I didn't!" Jaehyun protested and Mark rolled his eyes even more at the blatant lie. "The point is... he... makes me so amazed and so regretful and so humbled to live the way I do. So very humble to have him."  
"He does. You're less... sad, more smiley. Less cautious, more insane. I mean who puts a disco ball in their kitchen?"  
"It was from a song!"

"He's good. You're good with him. We're cool, I was never mad at you. Needy perhaps, but not mad."  
"We're cool? Really?" Jaehyun was taken aback how easily he was at forgiving others. But this was Mark they were talking about.  
"Yeah."  
"Hmmm... I was expecting more teenage angst."  
"I'm not dad," Mark said lamely.  
"I hope I'm not dad."  
"You won't be. You're better."  
"You mean it?" Jaehyun's face lit up with a shy smile whilst shoving Mark to the side again.  
"well yeah."  
"Thanks, kid. I appreciate it. Come here you little-" Jaehyun grinned before pulling the other back sharply into a bone crushing hug. Mark yelped but grew flustered in the elder's embrace. Well, this was weird.  
"Hyung..."  
"Hmmm?"  
"This is awkward."  
"I know. Let's pretend this never happened." Jaehyun let him go and rubbed his neck nervously.

 

"Where's Mark?" Taeyong asked as he slid next to Jaehyun on the bench facing the river, just in front of a grove of Cypress trees.  
"I paid him to go home."  
"What?"  
"I'm kidding, he volunteered to do it himself."  
"You let him go. That poor child! My baby!"  
"I'm your baby."  
"No..."  
"Then I admit. I paid him to go away."

"Jaehyun!"  
"We made up... I'm kidding. But he was tired so I called a cab for him."  
"What about us?"  
"There's another reason I wanted to come to Hangang so early."  
"Why is that?"  
"I wanted to see the sunrise with you."  
"That's so cheesy my toes are actually curling in my shoes."  
"I know."

They lean against the railing, letting the breeze brush past and play with their hair, grazing their cold cheeks till they turned pink. Jaehyun fiddled with a piece of paper in his pocket, wondering if he should pull it out or not.  
"Taeyong there's something you should know. Your mother..." He stiffened and glanced at Jaehyun unsurely "She came by my office and she gave me this for you. I said you probably wouldn't want it. And you probably don't. But that's not for me to decide. So here." He pressed the crumpled cheque into Taeyong's hands and he looked down at the paper.

"That's a lot of zeroes."  
"It is."  
"What did she say?"  
"A lot of things. How sorry she is. How smart and beautiful you are. She told me to take care of you. I don't need to be told but perhaps I do need to be reminded how lucky I am."  
"You were right. I don't hate her."  
"Then what?"  
"I don't hate her. But... I don't need her. I don't need her money either."  
"Taeyong."  
"All I ever wanted was for someone to care. And I have that. I have you."  
"Oh, Taeyong." There is a softness Taeyong cannot fathom in his eyes. It's so inexplicable, unexplainable and downright irrational how much Taeyong loved him, how stupid this all was. He felt the waves. The burn of fire licking his wound's. The wind. The light blinding the back of his eyes. Taeyong was a shipwrecked sailor, who was lulled to sleep by the rocking of the water. Perhaps that was his destiny, to be forever lost in Jaehyun's eyes.  
He could live with that.

"You're missing the sunrise."  
"No. I'm not."  
"Yes, you are. You're staring at me instead. Look at the sunrise." His eyes do not retract from Taeyong's and his smile curved upward, more dazzling than solar rays and cosmic beams would ever be.  
"I am." He insisted, words firm as Taeyong dropped the cheque full of meaningless zeros into the Han River.

"I've forgotten what it's like to stare at the sun and have its warmth envelop you." Jaehyun sighed in relief as he snaked a hand around Taeyong's waist. The younger lets himself be pulled close, hands settling at the back of Jaehyun's neck, stroking the soft skin there languidly. It's almost strange how organic this feels; to be wrapped in Jaehyun's arms anywhere. How much he could get used to it.  
"Most people don't appreciate the sunrise and sunsets in our lives."

"Thank you."  
"For what?" Taeyong chuckled, brushing the side of his jaw lightly, sending a frisson of delight down Jaehyun's spine.  
"For everything, for making me realise... That in the night I should look at the moon, and in the day I should look at the sun. And that in my short lifespan I should stop saving people and start loving them instead."  
"You're welcome." Taeyong smiled and the circle felt complete, the cycle done.  
They do not need vocalisations anymore, just the silent ‘I love you's' conveyed by the meeting of two lips in an eloquent kiss. It was past the time for words or broken promises. This? This was a vow- that they would need nothing more than each other.

"Jaehyun?" Taeyong whispered as they parted, the golden rays bathing them in a heavenly glow, lighting the planes of their faces.  
"Hmmm?" Jaehyun hummed absentmindedly, eyes still trained on the other lips like he could not hold himself back for one more bloody minute.  
"Never wake me up at 4 am ever again though."

Jaehyun blinked and laughed. It is bright and sparkly like champagne and the other cannot help but pull him back in. Maybe Taeyong will forgive him this one time for the small discretion.

"When you're like this... I can't say I'll promise that..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooooo guys I'm so sorry, I wanted to update since forever but life is so busy and tiring and school is draining the life outta me. So hehehe it's finally done but I might add later if I have time. Thanks for all the support and love. ^^
> 
> Leave me some last comments ;)


End file.
